Netflix synopsis: Mulder and Scully investigate the mysterious case of a military test pilot who disappeared after experiencing strange psychotic behavior.
It's been years and years since I've seen this episode and this is what I remember: Crazy pilots getting kidnapped, a crazy pilot pulls out his hair and makes fishing lures? Seth Green. Introduction of Deep Throat, Mulder's first informant. Lots of running from helicopters. Um...
NEAR ELLENS AIR BASE,
SOUTHWEST IDAHO
A SWAT team storms a normal suburban house in a normal suburban neighborhood. A woman crosses the police line, demanding to be let through. Her name is Mrs. Budahas and it's her house they're breaking into, thank you very much. The SWAT guy in charge tells her that they're looking for her husband, Colonel Budahas, because he did something bad with some military secrets, which is a no-no.
They break down the door and storm like a SWAT team does. Mrs. Budahas is losing her shit. They find her husband inside and see him before we do. The scared dude who finds him says Budahas is going to need a doctor. Cut to...Colonel Budahas, covered in a gross rash or burns or something. And he's in his underwear. That has to be embarrassing.
Is every episode gonna start with a weird skin thing?
Credits! First time ever! This is Mark Snow's first episode, he of the spooky music-making.
WASHINGTON, D.C.
Scully is at a bar, wearing her glasses and working on something instead of getting drunk like a normal person. You guys, Scully is such a loser sometimes. Mulder comes from behind (heh) and gets all up in her business. He offers to buy her a drink and she's all judgy because it's 2 PM. Whatever, Scully, it's five o'clock somewhere. They get a table because Mulder wants to show her something he couldn't show her at work. Heeheehee.
You're coming on a little strong, Mulder.
It's not his penis, though (bummer). He wanted to show her a file about Colonel Budahas. The Colonel's been hospitalized since we last saw him, but no one will say for what, even though Mulder has I'M SURE been asking in the nicest way possible. Mrs. Budahas hasn't seen her husband in four months and instead of being happy that she gets the whole bed to herself, she reports it to the FBI as a kidnapping.
Mulder tells Scully that six pilots have been reported missing from Ellens Air Base since 1963. He's pissed (as usual) because this case has been shelved for no reason, even though a dude is totally missing. So. They're going to Idaho. Whoo. Hoo. Scully wonders why he wants to investigate when there's nothing paranormal going on. Oh, Scully. Just wait.
Mulder goes to the bathroom, which hardly ever happens on TV shows. This is relevant, I swear. After he washes his hands (whew), he leans down to splash water on his face. When he looks up, there is a man standing behind him, the same man who gave Mulder and Scully the hairy eyeball when they were walking through the bar earlier. This man is Jerry Hardin. You might recognize him from such films as The Firm or, like, a buttload of TV shows. Or you might recognize him because he's Deep Throat on The X-Files, bitches! That's kind of a spoiler because no one calls him Deep Throat in this episode, but I didn't want to keep calling him "that guy" this whole recap.
Deep Throat tells Mulder to leave this case alone. He wants to help Mulder and has an interest in Mulder's work (that makes at least two people) but he won't tell Mulder who he is or who he works for. Deep Throat cautions Mulder that he's exposing himself and Agent Scully to risks, which seems reasonable, but we know Mulder never listens to reason so this is really the wrong tack to take with him. Deep Throat says some more cryptic-y things and leaves the restroom. Mulder rushes after him and looks frantically around the bar, but Deep Throat has disappeared.
Creepy.
F.B.I. HEADQUARTERSMARRIETTE FIELD
SOUTHWEST IDAHO
A plane lands. Mulder and Scully knock on someone's door. Mrs. Budahas answers and they introduce themselves. She invites them in and probably gives them some lemonade and cookies because she seems pretty nice. They all sit and Mrs. Budahas tells them that she first noticed her husband was acting weird about two years ago. He got a rash that they attributed to some paint at the time, but then his personality changed. One night, at a dinner party, he sprinkled fish food on his plate but I think maybe he was trying to be funny and he's just not very good at it. Then he started yelling at the kids for no reason and having seizures, which I guess is more cause for concern than the fish food thing.
She gets upset and says she wants her husband back. Scully says the government is not above the law but I think we all know that's not true, amirite? ZING! Mrs. Budahas worries that he's dead. Mulder gets impatient and sighs heavily, like he is totally bored. Don't be a dick, Mulder. He asks if this has happened to anyone else and Mrs. Budahas says it happened to Verna McClannen's husband, too.
So. They all take a trip to Verna McClannen's house and watch her husband pull hair out of his head and use the strands to tie flies to fishing lures. Sounds like a good time. Verna doesn't think he's being all that weird, he's just suffering from all the stress of being a test pilot. The fly fishing has been good for him, anyway, so they should just take off their judgy pants and get the eff out. She whisper-yells at Mrs. Budahas for bringing the FBI to her house.
What happens when he runs out of hair?
Mrs. Budahas gives Scully some numbers to call, saying that she's called them already but never gets any answers.
Mulder and Scully leave, and Mulder asks what Scully thought of Uncle Fester (nice, Mulder). She's all, "I will answer your question with science," and then she answers his question with science. DUH. Mulder doesn't think it's a good enough explanation because these are test pilots, not zoo animals (it makes sense, I swear). Scully asks if he's heard of the Aurora Project and of course he has. I haven't, though. Apparently it was an unacknowledged code name for supersecret surveillance planes. Scully posits that Colonel Budahas was one of the test pilots and washed out of the program. Mulder doesn't buy it.
They go back to the hotel. Mulder's cell phone is huge and hilarious.
That's the biggest thing I've ever seen THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID
No one will meet with them, probably because Mulder's already bugged them a million times. Scully says someone named Colonel Kissell will meet with them...a week from Friday. They're not hanging around that long, though, I guess because the FBI won't pay for their Ford Taurus rental for that long. They stalk Colonel Kissell by looking him up in the phone book. Remember phone books? Colonel Kissell won't talk to them and runs into his house after telling them to get the hell out of his yard. He's like Mr. Wilson and Mulder and Scully are like Dennis the Menace.
As they stand on his porch, a man, Paul Mossinger, walks up the driveway to introduce himself. He's a local journalist and has heard that Mulder and Scully are looking into the Budahas disappearance. He's surprised to see them, honestly, because he sees more UFO nuts than FBI agents out there. He asks if they're getting anywhere in the case but Mulder No Comments and starts to get in the car. Mulder stops, though, and asks if Paul has ever seen a UFO. Paul says no and that it's all "hooey" anyway and you can tell Scully wants to jump his bones. Mulder asks where he can talk to a UFO nut. They go to a restaurant called The Flying Saucer.
I want to go to there.
They sit at the counter and eat lunch. Mmm, lunch. There are photos of UFOs along the wall and Mulder asks the waitress behind the counter about them. I shall call her Alice. Alice says she took one of the UFO pictures herself, and offers to sell them one. Mulder says to put it on his tab and Scully calls him a sucker. It's cute. Then Mulder asks how he might see a UFO and Scully leaves in a huff and it's not so cute.
Scully's outside looking at a giant map when Mulder comes out of the diner, and she tells him that Ellens Air Base isn't on it. Mulder knows and doesn't really care because Alice drew him his own map.
OUTSIDE ELLENS AIR BASE
6:04 P.M.
Mulder and Scully drive along a barbwire fence. Mulder stops the car and gets some binoculars out of the trunk. Scully is pissed that he's dragging her on a UFO hunt and snipes that this'll look REAL good on her field report. Low blow, Scully. Mulder isn't listening, though, he's climbing a hill with his binoculars.
When the night falls (my lonely heart calls), we see that Scully is sleeping in the car because she's not here to stakeout aliens, dammit. There's a loud noise and she screams as the rear windshield shatters. Mulder throws her door open, says she's gotta see something (again?) and pulls her out of the car.
9:13 P.M.
They stand on a hill overlooking the fenced-in air base and stare as two bright lights fly around the sky. They can't figure out what they are. Scully says they can't be air craft because aircraft can't move like that, so she says they must be lasers. Sure, Scully. They're lasers.
Whatever, it's just Mr. Weasley's flying car.
The lights disappear into the clouds and there's a huge burst of light. Scully OMGs because what kind of lasers do that? As they watch, another light approaches but RUH ROH, this time it's a helicopter. Two teenagers emerge from a hole in the fence. Mulder yells at them but they run away because, well, a guy in a suit is yelling at them while they sneak out of a military base. Mulder and Scully catch them, of course, because part of FBI training is being able to outrun teenagers. It turns out that the teenagers are a long-haired Seth Green and his girlfriend, Zoe. The helicopter catches up to them FINALLY (I guess Mulder and Scully can outrun helicopters as well as teenagers) but don't worry, they hide behind a tree. They all sigh with relief when it flies away and Seth Green says, "that was extreme." Oh, Seth. You're better than that.
5:02 A.M.
They go to a diner and the teenagers stuff their faces because they are obviously high. Scully asks what they were doing out there in secret-militaryland and they giggle. They explain that they sneak in to see the light show and listen to "tunes." Mulder asks if they've ever been chased out before but they haven't. Seth tells them about a place called the yellow base where they're supposed to store all of their secret UFO crap and you know Mulder is already trying to figure out how to break in. Seth says the yellow base is protected by land mines so they've never tried to make it there.
Some dude is watching from outside the diner in his car, talking conspiratorially into a walkie-talkie. That's never good.
Back in the diner, Seth is demonstrating how the UFOs fly with his hamburger.
Willow never would have dated this guy.
Mulder and Scully are totally getting a kick out of these kids. Mulder shows Seth the UFO picture he bought from Alice at The Flying Saucer.
"Do they look anything like this?" Mulder asks, hope shining out of his eyes like...a hope light.
"No," says Seth and Mulder's face falls. "They look exactly like that." Mulder's happy again. It must be hard to be Mulder.
They drop the kids off at some house. Mulder pulls Seth's scooter out of the trunk and hands it off to Seth. Mulder then says "laaaaater, duuuuude" and I'm so embarrassed for him that I bury my face in my hands. He gets back in the car, puts a tape in the car's tape player and starts rocking out. Scully is annoyed (standard) and turns it off. Mulder's all, "kids today, eh?" and it's adorable. I forgive him for saying "later, dude."
Scully accuses him of believing it all and he's like, "of course I believe it all, have you met me?" She laughs because those kids were obviously stoned and Mulder is obviously dumb. Mulder wants to show her something AGAIN. Mulder, just whip it out already. Anyway, he shows her a photo of the UFO from Roswell (it looks like Alice's UFO picture) and she is ready to scoff. But! Mulder explains that Ellens Air Base is rumored to be one of the sites that the Roswell UFO was shipped to. He thinks the pilots are flying planes built using UFO technology. Scully pokes holes all over his theory even though it totally makes sense. Just because Scully can't explain the lights, doesn't mean she thinks they're UFOs. Yep. That's Scully in a nutshell.
Later, Scully runs into Mulder's hotel room, all excited. Here's your chance, Mulder! But no, she just wants to tell him that Colonel Budahas is home.
They drive to the House of Budahas. Mrs. Budahas answers the door crying. She invites them in and takes them to see her husband, who is just sitting in a chair playing with a model airplane. Aww, that's adorable. Mrs. Budahas claims that he's not her husband. Colonel Budahas looks up from his plane, all confused, and asks who Mulder and Scully are.
Mulder introduces himself and tells him why they're there. He asks where he's been. Budahas says he's been in the hospital. Mulder asks Budahas some simple questions, like his DOB, the names of his kids, and he answers them easily. Still, Mrs. Budahas insists that he's not her husband.
Mulder asks him a pilot question about flying that I don't understand, and apparently Budahas doesn't either because he can't answer it. That's kind of weird, him being a pilot and all. He says he can't remember and is freaked, but when he tries to go to his wife for comfort, she runs away from him. Ouch.
Mulder and Scully leave and Mulder says that someone rewired Colonel Budahas's brain. Scully doesn't believe it OF COURSE and thinks it's just amnesia. Scully says the technology to do what Mulder is suggesting doesn't exist. She also wonders why they would do it, even if they could.
They drive and discuss Colonel Budahas some more. Mulder thinks that humans can't handle flying the planes built with UFO technology, because the human body wasn't made for it. Makes sense. Scully laughs derisively and stops arguing, like she is just DONE having this conversation. Two cars approach from the opposite direction and force them to stop their car. A bunch of dudes in suits and sunglasses get out of the cars and ask them to get out of their car. Men in black, you guys!
Tell me something...do I make this look good?
They manhandle Mulder and Scully a bit, even though they play the FBI card. They don't care about their stinking badges. The MIB take all of their evidence (aww, again?) and destroy the roll of film in Mulder's camera. They cannot catch a break. Mulder asks what's going on, which is a fair question, and gets punched in the kidney. One of the MIB tells them to GTFO of town. So they go back to the hotel, presumably to pack and GTFO of town.
Scully asks who those guys were. Mulder supposes that they weren't chasing Seth and Zoe away from the base the other night, they were chasing them. Mulder admits to Scully that there's something he didn't tell her. "Something else?" she asks, all sarcastic and tired. Oh, Scully. Never change. He tells her about the man, Deep Throat, who approached him in DC and that he thinks his phone was being tapped. Scully wonders why they would bother doing that and she has a point, because (we don't know this yet but) Mulder spends most of his time calling phone sex lines.
In any case, Mulder thinks there's a conspiracy which...NO WAY. He thinks that they'll do anything to protect their secret and their secret is that they have like a billion UFOs all over that base. Mulder says that if that's true, it's basically confirmation of the existence of alien life. Scully thinks it's just a plane that the government is testing, not a UFO, and that they should back off. The kidnap victim they were investigating is back, so she says they should leave. Mulder thinks it over for .5 seconds, says he's going to shower and pack, and then they'll leave. That was... way too easy.
He leaves the room and almost immediately, Scully hears a car start. She runs outside to see Mulder driving away, all General Lee style. He's such a dumbass sometimes.
YEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAW!
Seth and Zoe show Mulder where to sneak into the base, but they won't go in with him because they've never gone in during the day before. Mulder asks how to get to the yellow base but they tell him not to go because it's too dangerous. I'm sure he will listen to reason.
Zoe tells Mulder not to go beyond the tall weeds, so of course he goes beyond the tall weeds. And waits. It gets dark. He walks out onto a runway and stands there all dumbfounded as what looks like a UFO hovers over him.
Samantha?
Mulder probably hopes that he'll get abducted so he won't have to deal Scully later because she is going to be piiiiissed. He doesn't get abducted by aliens, unfortunately, but some military guys do strap him down to a gurney and throw him in the back of one of their vehicles.
Mulder's completely restrained and they inject him with something. I would feel sorry for him but this is his own fault.
6:30 A.M.
Scully is trying to reach DC but having trouble getting an outside line. She tries to use the phone in the hotel lobby, but it's not working either. The guy at the desk blames it on the military base.
Back in Mulder's house of pain, he's being transported through an airplane hanger. He's drugged out of his mind but semi-conscious, so he sees a bit of what's going on. There are men working on ships like the one that hovered above him. It looks like a UFO but it's hard to tell because A) it's behind a plastic that's hanging everywhere and B) Mulder is totally high right now.
Scully walks across the parking lot in time to see Paul Mossinger coming out of her room. He makes an excuse, saying he was just looking for her, but she's suspicious and reaches for her gun. Unfortunately, she left it in her room. I don't think that's what they teach you in FBI school. She hears walkie-talkie noises coming from Paul's car. They eye each other and she makes a break for his car. She locks herself inside and finds a gun and security badge from the base hidden in his glove compartment, so she does the only logical thing and takes him hostage.
Seth and Zoe pull up on their scooter as Scully holds the gun on Paul Mossinger. She finds out from them that they took Mulder to the base and he snuck inside. Scully yells at Paul to get on his walkie talkie and find Mulder, now DAMMIT. She's so badass, you guys. I'd much rather have Scully on my side in a life-or-death situation than Mulder...sure she's teeny, but she's feisty and logical. Plus, Mulder drops his gun all the time. You'll see.
Meanwhile, Mulder is lying, restrained, under a bright light and some dude is messing with his eyes. No! Stop it, that freaks me out. They don't care that I'm freaked out, though, and put some weird eye drops in his eyes.
Scully is in the car with Paul, gun trained on him as he drives her to Mulder. He touches his eye like it hurts...did Scully hit him? Awesome. He says there are other ways to go about this, probably ways that don't involve him getting pistol-whipped by a dimutive redhead, but Scully's not having it. He stops the car in front of the gate leading into the base. Scully orders him to start the car again and to keep his hands on the wheel. You can tell she's nervous but she's keeping it together because she's Scully and she's badass.
A Jeep drives out of the base and stops in front of them. Mulder gets out and walks shakily toward Scully's car. Scully orders Paul out of the car and tells Mulder to get in. Mulder stares at her, all dazed and confused, but finally stumbles his way to the car. Paul walks to the Jeep and, as he passes Mulder, he says that Mulder and Scully have acted inappropriately. Mulder is so high that he doesn't understand English right now so he just turns away and gets in Scully's car.
Laaaater, duuuuude.
Scully gets in the car and quickly drives away. This is so unrealistic. That Paul guy was Mulder's height and Scully's my height (read: short) and she didn't adjust the seat at all before she drove away. I call shenanigans! Anyway, once they're a safe distance from the bad guys, Scully asks if Mulder is OK. He says he thinks so but he doesn't remember how he got there. I hope they didn't break his brain but at least his pretty face is OK.
They stop at the Budahas house because they definitely have time for that. Mrs. Budahas answers the door, they ask how Colonel Budahas is doing, and she says he's fine. She's clearly trying to get rid of them as quickly as possible. Colonel Budahas snaps from inside, "who is it now?" and she speedy quick gets rid of them by basically shutting the door in their faces.
Mulder says "they" got to her. Scully doesn't care anymore and is all, "THAT'S ENOUGH, MULDER." She says they don't know anything more than when they got there. And that's what she's gonna write in her field report. She walks away. Yeah, it's weird.
FBI HEADQUARTERS
WASHINGTON, D.C.
ONE WEEK LATER
Scully is typing her report and voiceovering for our benefit. She says Colonel Budahas is home and doesn't remember shit. She makes it sound nicer than that in her reoprt, though. She writes that Mulder thinks Budahas was flying aircraft built using UFO technology, but Scully says it's inconclusive. She CAN, however, corroborate his account of two unidentified flying objects. CASE CLOSED. Yeah, right.
She leans back, looks at Mulder's UFO picture, and...that's it. This voiceover at the end was added because Fox (the network, not the Mulder) wanted more closure for the episode, thinking the average viewer was too stupid to understand it otherwise. They...may have been right. I don't know. In any case, this show ends up using the report-voiceover technique a whole lot, which is fine, but it's super boring to recap.
While Scully's working, Mulder is running because I guess he doesn't have to write reports yet. Maybe that changes when Skinner starts YOU GUYS WHERE IS SKINNER? Anyway, he needs to stay in shape for the next time he sneaks onto an air base so I guess running is a better use of his time.
So...wanna race?
Deep Throat approaches and says their lives may be in danger because they've seen things they weren't supposed to. Oh, just you wait, Mister. Deep Throat says he can provide Mulder with information as long as it's in his best interest, which is vague and annoying. Mulder says he saw something but they erased it from his brain. Mulder asks what it was. Deep Throat doesn't really answer, though, and they have this exchange:
Deep Throat: Mister Mulder, why are those like yourself, who believe in the existence of extraterrestrial life on Earth, not entirely dissuaded by all the evidence to the contrary?
Mulder: Because, all the evidence to the contrary is not entirely dissuasive.
Deep Throat: Precisely.
Mulder: They're here, aren't they?
Deep Throat: Agent Mulder, they've been here for a long, long time.
Which leads me to...
Favorite quotes:
Scully: You believe it all, don't you?
Mulder: Why wouldn't I?
Scully: Mulder, did you see their eyes? If I were that stoned -
Mulder: Oooh...if you were that stoned, what?
Mulder: Tell me I'm crazy.
Scully: Mulder...you're crazy.
Man in Black: Please step out of the car.
Mulder: (to Scully) Do you think if we ignore them they'll go away?
Man in Black: Please step out of the car.
Mulder: Guess not.
It's been years and years since I've seen this episode and this is what I remember: Crazy pilots getting kidnapped, a crazy pilot pulls out his hair and makes fishing lures? Seth Green. Introduction of Deep Throat, Mulder's first informant. Lots of running from helicopters. Um...
NEAR ELLENS AIR BASE,
SOUTHWEST IDAHO
A SWAT team storms a normal suburban house in a normal suburban neighborhood. A woman crosses the police line, demanding to be let through. Her name is Mrs. Budahas and it's her house they're breaking into, thank you very much. The SWAT guy in charge tells her that they're looking for her husband, Colonel Budahas, because he did something bad with some military secrets, which is a no-no.
They break down the door and storm like a SWAT team does. Mrs. Budahas is losing her shit. They find her husband inside and see him before we do. The scared dude who finds him says Budahas is going to need a doctor. Cut to...Colonel Budahas, covered in a gross rash or burns or something. And he's in his underwear. That has to be embarrassing.
Is every episode gonna start with a weird skin thing?
Credits! First time ever! This is Mark Snow's first episode, he of the spooky music-making.
WASHINGTON, D.C.
Scully is at a bar, wearing her glasses and working on something instead of getting drunk like a normal person. You guys, Scully is such a loser sometimes. Mulder comes from behind (heh) and gets all up in her business. He offers to buy her a drink and she's all judgy because it's 2 PM. Whatever, Scully, it's five o'clock somewhere. They get a table because Mulder wants to show her something he couldn't show her at work. Heeheehee.
You're coming on a little strong, Mulder.
It's not his penis, though (bummer). He wanted to show her a file about Colonel Budahas. The Colonel's been hospitalized since we last saw him, but no one will say for what, even though Mulder has I'M SURE been asking in the nicest way possible. Mrs. Budahas hasn't seen her husband in four months and instead of being happy that she gets the whole bed to herself, she reports it to the FBI as a kidnapping.
Mulder tells Scully that six pilots have been reported missing from Ellens Air Base since 1963. He's pissed (as usual) because this case has been shelved for no reason, even though a dude is totally missing. So. They're going to Idaho. Whoo. Hoo. Scully wonders why he wants to investigate when there's nothing paranormal going on. Oh, Scully. Just wait.
Mulder goes to the bathroom, which hardly ever happens on TV shows. This is relevant, I swear. After he washes his hands (whew), he leans down to splash water on his face. When he looks up, there is a man standing behind him, the same man who gave Mulder and Scully the hairy eyeball when they were walking through the bar earlier. This man is Jerry Hardin. You might recognize him from such films as The Firm or, like, a buttload of TV shows. Or you might recognize him because he's Deep Throat on The X-Files, bitches! That's kind of a spoiler because no one calls him Deep Throat in this episode, but I didn't want to keep calling him "that guy" this whole recap.
Deep Throat tells Mulder to leave this case alone. He wants to help Mulder and has an interest in Mulder's work (that makes at least two people) but he won't tell Mulder who he is or who he works for. Deep Throat cautions Mulder that he's exposing himself and Agent Scully to risks, which seems reasonable, but we know Mulder never listens to reason so this is really the wrong tack to take with him. Deep Throat says some more cryptic-y things and leaves the restroom. Mulder rushes after him and looks frantically around the bar, but Deep Throat has disappeared.
Creepy.
F.B.I. HEADQUARTERSMARRIETTE FIELD
SOUTHWEST IDAHO
A plane lands. Mulder and Scully knock on someone's door. Mrs. Budahas answers and they introduce themselves. She invites them in and probably gives them some lemonade and cookies because she seems pretty nice. They all sit and Mrs. Budahas tells them that she first noticed her husband was acting weird about two years ago. He got a rash that they attributed to some paint at the time, but then his personality changed. One night, at a dinner party, he sprinkled fish food on his plate but I think maybe he was trying to be funny and he's just not very good at it. Then he started yelling at the kids for no reason and having seizures, which I guess is more cause for concern than the fish food thing.
She gets upset and says she wants her husband back. Scully says the government is not above the law but I think we all know that's not true, amirite? ZING! Mrs. Budahas worries that he's dead. Mulder gets impatient and sighs heavily, like he is totally bored. Don't be a dick, Mulder. He asks if this has happened to anyone else and Mrs. Budahas says it happened to Verna McClannen's husband, too.
So. They all take a trip to Verna McClannen's house and watch her husband pull hair out of his head and use the strands to tie flies to fishing lures. Sounds like a good time. Verna doesn't think he's being all that weird, he's just suffering from all the stress of being a test pilot. The fly fishing has been good for him, anyway, so they should just take off their judgy pants and get the eff out. She whisper-yells at Mrs. Budahas for bringing the FBI to her house.
What happens when he runs out of hair?
Mrs. Budahas gives Scully some numbers to call, saying that she's called them already but never gets any answers.
Mulder and Scully leave, and Mulder asks what Scully thought of Uncle Fester (nice, Mulder). She's all, "I will answer your question with science," and then she answers his question with science. DUH. Mulder doesn't think it's a good enough explanation because these are test pilots, not zoo animals (it makes sense, I swear). Scully asks if he's heard of the Aurora Project and of course he has. I haven't, though. Apparently it was an unacknowledged code name for supersecret surveillance planes. Scully posits that Colonel Budahas was one of the test pilots and washed out of the program. Mulder doesn't buy it.
They go back to the hotel. Mulder's cell phone is huge and hilarious.
That's the biggest thing I've ever seen THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID
No one will meet with them, probably because Mulder's already bugged them a million times. Scully says someone named Colonel Kissell will meet with them...a week from Friday. They're not hanging around that long, though, I guess because the FBI won't pay for their Ford Taurus rental for that long. They stalk Colonel Kissell by looking him up in the phone book. Remember phone books? Colonel Kissell won't talk to them and runs into his house after telling them to get the hell out of his yard. He's like Mr. Wilson and Mulder and Scully are like Dennis the Menace.
As they stand on his porch, a man, Paul Mossinger, walks up the driveway to introduce himself. He's a local journalist and has heard that Mulder and Scully are looking into the Budahas disappearance. He's surprised to see them, honestly, because he sees more UFO nuts than FBI agents out there. He asks if they're getting anywhere in the case but Mulder No Comments and starts to get in the car. Mulder stops, though, and asks if Paul has ever seen a UFO. Paul says no and that it's all "hooey" anyway and you can tell Scully wants to jump his bones. Mulder asks where he can talk to a UFO nut. They go to a restaurant called The Flying Saucer.
I want to go to there.
They sit at the counter and eat lunch. Mmm, lunch. There are photos of UFOs along the wall and Mulder asks the waitress behind the counter about them. I shall call her Alice. Alice says she took one of the UFO pictures herself, and offers to sell them one. Mulder says to put it on his tab and Scully calls him a sucker. It's cute. Then Mulder asks how he might see a UFO and Scully leaves in a huff and it's not so cute.
Scully's outside looking at a giant map when Mulder comes out of the diner, and she tells him that Ellens Air Base isn't on it. Mulder knows and doesn't really care because Alice drew him his own map.
OUTSIDE ELLENS AIR BASE
6:04 P.M.
Mulder and Scully drive along a barbwire fence. Mulder stops the car and gets some binoculars out of the trunk. Scully is pissed that he's dragging her on a UFO hunt and snipes that this'll look REAL good on her field report. Low blow, Scully. Mulder isn't listening, though, he's climbing a hill with his binoculars.
When the night falls (my lonely heart calls), we see that Scully is sleeping in the car because she's not here to stakeout aliens, dammit. There's a loud noise and she screams as the rear windshield shatters. Mulder throws her door open, says she's gotta see something (again?) and pulls her out of the car.
9:13 P.M.
They stand on a hill overlooking the fenced-in air base and stare as two bright lights fly around the sky. They can't figure out what they are. Scully says they can't be air craft because aircraft can't move like that, so she says they must be lasers. Sure, Scully. They're lasers.
Whatever, it's just Mr. Weasley's flying car.
The lights disappear into the clouds and there's a huge burst of light. Scully OMGs because what kind of lasers do that? As they watch, another light approaches but RUH ROH, this time it's a helicopter. Two teenagers emerge from a hole in the fence. Mulder yells at them but they run away because, well, a guy in a suit is yelling at them while they sneak out of a military base. Mulder and Scully catch them, of course, because part of FBI training is being able to outrun teenagers. It turns out that the teenagers are a long-haired Seth Green and his girlfriend, Zoe. The helicopter catches up to them FINALLY (I guess Mulder and Scully can outrun helicopters as well as teenagers) but don't worry, they hide behind a tree. They all sigh with relief when it flies away and Seth Green says, "that was extreme." Oh, Seth. You're better than that.
5:02 A.M.
They go to a diner and the teenagers stuff their faces because they are obviously high. Scully asks what they were doing out there in secret-militaryland and they giggle. They explain that they sneak in to see the light show and listen to "tunes." Mulder asks if they've ever been chased out before but they haven't. Seth tells them about a place called the yellow base where they're supposed to store all of their secret UFO crap and you know Mulder is already trying to figure out how to break in. Seth says the yellow base is protected by land mines so they've never tried to make it there.
Some dude is watching from outside the diner in his car, talking conspiratorially into a walkie-talkie. That's never good.
Back in the diner, Seth is demonstrating how the UFOs fly with his hamburger.
Willow never would have dated this guy.
Mulder and Scully are totally getting a kick out of these kids. Mulder shows Seth the UFO picture he bought from Alice at The Flying Saucer.
"Do they look anything like this?" Mulder asks, hope shining out of his eyes like...a hope light.
"No," says Seth and Mulder's face falls. "They look exactly like that." Mulder's happy again. It must be hard to be Mulder.
They drop the kids off at some house. Mulder pulls Seth's scooter out of the trunk and hands it off to Seth. Mulder then says "laaaaater, duuuuude" and I'm so embarrassed for him that I bury my face in my hands. He gets back in the car, puts a tape in the car's tape player and starts rocking out. Scully is annoyed (standard) and turns it off. Mulder's all, "kids today, eh?" and it's adorable. I forgive him for saying "later, dude."
Scully accuses him of believing it all and he's like, "of course I believe it all, have you met me?" She laughs because those kids were obviously stoned and Mulder is obviously dumb. Mulder wants to show her something AGAIN. Mulder, just whip it out already. Anyway, he shows her a photo of the UFO from Roswell (it looks like Alice's UFO picture) and she is ready to scoff. But! Mulder explains that Ellens Air Base is rumored to be one of the sites that the Roswell UFO was shipped to. He thinks the pilots are flying planes built using UFO technology. Scully pokes holes all over his theory even though it totally makes sense. Just because Scully can't explain the lights, doesn't mean she thinks they're UFOs. Yep. That's Scully in a nutshell.
Later, Scully runs into Mulder's hotel room, all excited. Here's your chance, Mulder! But no, she just wants to tell him that Colonel Budahas is home.
They drive to the House of Budahas. Mrs. Budahas answers the door crying. She invites them in and takes them to see her husband, who is just sitting in a chair playing with a model airplane. Aww, that's adorable. Mrs. Budahas claims that he's not her husband. Colonel Budahas looks up from his plane, all confused, and asks who Mulder and Scully are.
Mulder introduces himself and tells him why they're there. He asks where he's been. Budahas says he's been in the hospital. Mulder asks Budahas some simple questions, like his DOB, the names of his kids, and he answers them easily. Still, Mrs. Budahas insists that he's not her husband.
Mulder asks him a pilot question about flying that I don't understand, and apparently Budahas doesn't either because he can't answer it. That's kind of weird, him being a pilot and all. He says he can't remember and is freaked, but when he tries to go to his wife for comfort, she runs away from him. Ouch.
Mulder and Scully leave and Mulder says that someone rewired Colonel Budahas's brain. Scully doesn't believe it OF COURSE and thinks it's just amnesia. Scully says the technology to do what Mulder is suggesting doesn't exist. She also wonders why they would do it, even if they could.
They drive and discuss Colonel Budahas some more. Mulder thinks that humans can't handle flying the planes built with UFO technology, because the human body wasn't made for it. Makes sense. Scully laughs derisively and stops arguing, like she is just DONE having this conversation. Two cars approach from the opposite direction and force them to stop their car. A bunch of dudes in suits and sunglasses get out of the cars and ask them to get out of their car. Men in black, you guys!
Tell me something...do I make this look good?
They manhandle Mulder and Scully a bit, even though they play the FBI card. They don't care about their stinking badges. The MIB take all of their evidence (aww, again?) and destroy the roll of film in Mulder's camera. They cannot catch a break. Mulder asks what's going on, which is a fair question, and gets punched in the kidney. One of the MIB tells them to GTFO of town. So they go back to the hotel, presumably to pack and GTFO of town.
Scully asks who those guys were. Mulder supposes that they weren't chasing Seth and Zoe away from the base the other night, they were chasing them. Mulder admits to Scully that there's something he didn't tell her. "Something else?" she asks, all sarcastic and tired. Oh, Scully. Never change. He tells her about the man, Deep Throat, who approached him in DC and that he thinks his phone was being tapped. Scully wonders why they would bother doing that and she has a point, because (we don't know this yet but) Mulder spends most of his time calling phone sex lines.
In any case, Mulder thinks there's a conspiracy which...NO WAY. He thinks that they'll do anything to protect their secret and their secret is that they have like a billion UFOs all over that base. Mulder says that if that's true, it's basically confirmation of the existence of alien life. Scully thinks it's just a plane that the government is testing, not a UFO, and that they should back off. The kidnap victim they were investigating is back, so she says they should leave. Mulder thinks it over for .5 seconds, says he's going to shower and pack, and then they'll leave. That was... way too easy.
He leaves the room and almost immediately, Scully hears a car start. She runs outside to see Mulder driving away, all General Lee style. He's such a dumbass sometimes.
YEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAW!
Seth and Zoe show Mulder where to sneak into the base, but they won't go in with him because they've never gone in during the day before. Mulder asks how to get to the yellow base but they tell him not to go because it's too dangerous. I'm sure he will listen to reason.
Zoe tells Mulder not to go beyond the tall weeds, so of course he goes beyond the tall weeds. And waits. It gets dark. He walks out onto a runway and stands there all dumbfounded as what looks like a UFO hovers over him.
Samantha?
Mulder probably hopes that he'll get abducted so he won't have to deal Scully later because she is going to be piiiiissed. He doesn't get abducted by aliens, unfortunately, but some military guys do strap him down to a gurney and throw him in the back of one of their vehicles.
Mulder's completely restrained and they inject him with something. I would feel sorry for him but this is his own fault.
6:30 A.M.
Scully is trying to reach DC but having trouble getting an outside line. She tries to use the phone in the hotel lobby, but it's not working either. The guy at the desk blames it on the military base.
Back in Mulder's house of pain, he's being transported through an airplane hanger. He's drugged out of his mind but semi-conscious, so he sees a bit of what's going on. There are men working on ships like the one that hovered above him. It looks like a UFO but it's hard to tell because A) it's behind a plastic that's hanging everywhere and B) Mulder is totally high right now.
Scully walks across the parking lot in time to see Paul Mossinger coming out of her room. He makes an excuse, saying he was just looking for her, but she's suspicious and reaches for her gun. Unfortunately, she left it in her room. I don't think that's what they teach you in FBI school. She hears walkie-talkie noises coming from Paul's car. They eye each other and she makes a break for his car. She locks herself inside and finds a gun and security badge from the base hidden in his glove compartment, so she does the only logical thing and takes him hostage.
Seth and Zoe pull up on their scooter as Scully holds the gun on Paul Mossinger. She finds out from them that they took Mulder to the base and he snuck inside. Scully yells at Paul to get on his walkie talkie and find Mulder, now DAMMIT. She's so badass, you guys. I'd much rather have Scully on my side in a life-or-death situation than Mulder...sure she's teeny, but she's feisty and logical. Plus, Mulder drops his gun all the time. You'll see.
Meanwhile, Mulder is lying, restrained, under a bright light and some dude is messing with his eyes. No! Stop it, that freaks me out. They don't care that I'm freaked out, though, and put some weird eye drops in his eyes.
Scully is in the car with Paul, gun trained on him as he drives her to Mulder. He touches his eye like it hurts...did Scully hit him? Awesome. He says there are other ways to go about this, probably ways that don't involve him getting pistol-whipped by a dimutive redhead, but Scully's not having it. He stops the car in front of the gate leading into the base. Scully orders him to start the car again and to keep his hands on the wheel. You can tell she's nervous but she's keeping it together because she's Scully and she's badass.
A Jeep drives out of the base and stops in front of them. Mulder gets out and walks shakily toward Scully's car. Scully orders Paul out of the car and tells Mulder to get in. Mulder stares at her, all dazed and confused, but finally stumbles his way to the car. Paul walks to the Jeep and, as he passes Mulder, he says that Mulder and Scully have acted inappropriately. Mulder is so high that he doesn't understand English right now so he just turns away and gets in Scully's car.
Laaaater, duuuuude.
Scully gets in the car and quickly drives away. This is so unrealistic. That Paul guy was Mulder's height and Scully's my height (read: short) and she didn't adjust the seat at all before she drove away. I call shenanigans! Anyway, once they're a safe distance from the bad guys, Scully asks if Mulder is OK. He says he thinks so but he doesn't remember how he got there. I hope they didn't break his brain but at least his pretty face is OK.
They stop at the Budahas house because they definitely have time for that. Mrs. Budahas answers the door, they ask how Colonel Budahas is doing, and she says he's fine. She's clearly trying to get rid of them as quickly as possible. Colonel Budahas snaps from inside, "who is it now?" and she speedy quick gets rid of them by basically shutting the door in their faces.
Mulder says "they" got to her. Scully doesn't care anymore and is all, "THAT'S ENOUGH, MULDER." She says they don't know anything more than when they got there. And that's what she's gonna write in her field report. She walks away. Yeah, it's weird.
FBI HEADQUARTERS
WASHINGTON, D.C.
ONE WEEK LATER
Scully is typing her report and voiceovering for our benefit. She says Colonel Budahas is home and doesn't remember shit. She makes it sound nicer than that in her reoprt, though. She writes that Mulder thinks Budahas was flying aircraft built using UFO technology, but Scully says it's inconclusive. She CAN, however, corroborate his account of two unidentified flying objects. CASE CLOSED. Yeah, right.
She leans back, looks at Mulder's UFO picture, and...that's it. This voiceover at the end was added because Fox (the network, not the Mulder) wanted more closure for the episode, thinking the average viewer was too stupid to understand it otherwise. They...may have been right. I don't know. In any case, this show ends up using the report-voiceover technique a whole lot, which is fine, but it's super boring to recap.
While Scully's working, Mulder is running because I guess he doesn't have to write reports yet. Maybe that changes when Skinner starts YOU GUYS WHERE IS SKINNER? Anyway, he needs to stay in shape for the next time he sneaks onto an air base so I guess running is a better use of his time.
So...wanna race?
Deep Throat approaches and says their lives may be in danger because they've seen things they weren't supposed to. Oh, just you wait, Mister. Deep Throat says he can provide Mulder with information as long as it's in his best interest, which is vague and annoying. Mulder says he saw something but they erased it from his brain. Mulder asks what it was. Deep Throat doesn't really answer, though, and they have this exchange:
Deep Throat: Mister Mulder, why are those like yourself, who believe in the existence of extraterrestrial life on Earth, not entirely dissuaded by all the evidence to the contrary?
Mulder: Because, all the evidence to the contrary is not entirely dissuasive.
Deep Throat: Precisely.
Mulder: They're here, aren't they?
Deep Throat: Agent Mulder, they've been here for a long, long time.
Which leads me to...
Favorite quotes:
Scully: You believe it all, don't you?
Mulder: Why wouldn't I?
Scully: Mulder, did you see their eyes? If I were that stoned -
Mulder: Oooh...if you were that stoned, what?
Mulder: Tell me I'm crazy.
Scully: Mulder...you're crazy.
Man in Black: Please step out of the car.
Mulder: (to Scully) Do you think if we ignore them they'll go away?
Man in Black: Please step out of the car.
Mulder: Guess not.
2 comments:
1. I can't tell you how much I love the detail that Mulder has a porn habit. It makes him so human.
2. Reading the phrase "diminutive redhead" immediately made me think of fanfic. Admit it. You so read X-Files fanfic.
3. That Paul guy was Mulder's height and Scully's my height (read: short) and she didn't adjust the seat at all before she drove away. I call shenanigans! Remember in season three when Mulder and Scully were fighting and Mulder told her that he never lets her drive because her "little feet don't reach the pedals"? HA HA HA HA.
4. Am I the only one who has completely random words and phrases from this show embedded in their memory in weird places? Like "Budahas" and "Ellens Air Force Base" are just two of them. And "Bellfleur." It's probably because of fanfic. Let's just blame everything on fanfic.
5. Skinner shows up in "Tooms," I believe. That episode is awesome.
Every time I look at the clock and it's 10:13 or 11:21, I think of TXF. I think TXF takes up a lot of space in my brain.
It was so hard not to watch Tooms right away. I love that episode.
I really want to skip the bad episodes and just go straight to my favorites, like Syzygy and Bad Blood. Bad Blood!
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