Lois & Clark Episode 5: Requiem for a Superhero

Netflix synopsis: When Lois discovers that her father, Dr. Sam Lane, is helping a corrupt boxing promoter create an army of cybernetic athletes, Superman steps into the boxing ring to defeat the killer robots.

Killer robots. KILLER ROBOTS.

Clark finds a baseball glove and bat on some bleachers. He starts playing baseball with himself, which sounds dirty but it isn't. This seems like a gross abuse of his powers, though, it being broad daylight and all, but I like it because it's exactly the sort of thing I'd do if I had superpowers. No one notices him floating in midair, which is lucky.

Wait...did I win or lose?

Over at The Daily Planet, Perry is mad because one of his poker buddies is flaking on that night's poker game. He asks Clark to join and it's worth noting that Clark's hair is far less mullety than it was earlier in the season. Perry basically bullies him into joining and is pretty excited when Clark says he was never good at poker.

Later that night, Clark, Lois, Jimmy, and some no-names are playing poker with Perry. He's wearing an Elvis jacket. It's ugly. Lois is wearing a stupid hat. Stacy and Clinton would have a field day with this crew.

P-p-p-poker face, p-p poker face.

They show Clark's hand and if I knew how to play poker at all, I'd probably know whether it was good or not. I don't know how to play poker, though, so I guess I'll have to wait and see. The suspense, it's killing me. I don't think Clark really knows whether it's a good hand, either.

Jimmy says Superman would be a great poker player and Perry tells him to shut up. I guess all that standing up for himself that Jimmy did a couple of episodes ago didn't really stick. They all argue about whether or not Superman would use his X-ray vision to cheat. Clark almost does, but at the last minute he folds instead of cheating. What a stand up guy. I would totally cheat but that's probably just another reason it's good that I don't have superpowers.

The next day, Perry tells Lois that she and Clark are going to be partners. She bitches and moans but Perry's not hearing it.

"Howdy, Partner," Clark greets her. Ugh, what a dork.

Perry assigns them a boxing story. Lois is mad because she's too good to report sports and boxing is boooooooring. She didn't say that, I said that. Lois asks if this assignment has anything to do with her "connections." Her father, apparently, is part of the boxing world but we already knew that from the Netflix synopsis because Netflix doesn't believe in NO SPOILERS.

They go to the Menken Gym. Clark tries to impress Lois with his boxing knowledge, but she shuts him down because she's like the Rainman of boxing information or something. Anyway, in the course of their verbal sparring (see what I did there?), it's revealed that her father is Dr. Sam Lane WHICH WE ALREADY KNEW. He does reconstructive surgery on injured athletes, which explains why he's so good at building killer robots OH WAIT sorry, spoilers.

Lois yells a question to one of the fighters, who gets pissed at her and orders her out of the gym. NO GIRLS ALLOWED. That guy's got some sand in his vagina. Some old guy named Allie runs out, tells them to ignore the angry fighter, calls Lois "pumpkin" and gives her one of those spin-around hugs you always see on TV but hardly ever in real life. Lois and Clark try to convince Allie to let them talk to the fighters who'll be fighting in the big match (I don't know) on Saturday but he's hesitant. Actually, he looks like he's about to poop his pants, but I didn't want to be crass.

Sandy Vagina throws a towel at Clark and says he'll talk to them if Clark gets in the ring. Yeah, that's a great idea. Clark climbs into the ring and the roid-case starts throwing punches. Clark is like Mr. Miyagi and doesn't want to abuse his power, so he doesn't hit back. Sandy calls Clark "princess" and taunts him a whole bunch until finally Clark pushes him. Even Superman can't control himself when someone implies that he's a girl. Sigh. Someone stops the fight before it escalates any further, but not before I get wicked bored.

The guy who stopped the fight is Max Menken. They don't tell you that yet, but I'm telling you now because I don't feel like making up a nickname for him. He says that the winner of Saturday's bout is going to fight Superman, which seems to be news to Clark. This is weird...they're advertising that one of the fighters will fight Superman without notifying Superman? Superman needs an agent.

Lois and Clark leave because they are as bored as I am and they run into Lois's dad, Dr. Sam Lane, outside the gym. Lois is definitely not happy to see Daddy Dearest. Lois wants Sam to get them access to the fighters but he says he can't help. He asks Lois if they can have dinner soon and she's noncommittal. Daddy issues.

Lex is on the phone at his house, talking to Max Menken and throwing darts at something off screen. He's blah blah blahing about how much money he has and how fast he makes money and he asks if Max sees his point. Max doesn't. I don't, either, for the record. I think he just likes to call people and threaten them for no raisin. Oh, and he's throwing darts at a cardboard cutout of Superman. You might be wondering where he got a cardboard cutout of Superman. My guess is it's left over from the last episode. Also, he's Lex Luthor, you think he can't get a cardboard cutout of Superman?

Lois has one of these at home, too.

Lois and Clark are at The Daily Planet, working for once. Lois wonders why Clark is still there and Clark says he's working. Pay attention, Lois, I just said that. Lois thinks he's still there because he's waiting for her to open up to him about her daddy troubles because IT'S ALL ABOUT HER. She insists that she doesn't want to talk about her father, so of course she then starts complaining about him and how he was too hard on her, he was never home, he only criticized her, you know, the usual. I think we're supposed to feel sorry for her, but I don't really care.

Allie calls and tells Lois he needs to talk to her. Lois wants to go alone because Allie will be more comfortable talking to someone he knows. Clark doesn't even try to argue and Lois says he surprises her sometimes. I think he just needs some "me" time, if you know what I'm saying and I think you do.

Lois goes to meet Allie, but he's hit by a truck as he crosses the street to see her. I guess he's dead? Lois doesn't try to get help or anything, she just stares sadly down at him and quietly says his name. Call 911, Lois, even if he looks dead. Or do CPR. This is TV, where CPR magically brings people back to life even after they've been hanging from a tree for who knows how long YES I'M TALKING TO YOU, LOST. [link warning: SAD LOST MUSIC AHOY] That is my least favorite TV trope and that's the most egregious example I can think of because Charlie was HANGING FROM A TREE and Jack just freaking BEATS ON HIS CHEST and then he's back, all better. Although, I was really happy at the time that Charlie didn't die. But anyway. Right, Lois and Clark.

Lex is on the phone again, being informed that Allie is dead. He hangs up the phone, crosses his arms, and starts talking to someone. He says it's an embarrassment to have someone killed, because it reflects poorly on you, which is totally what I think EVERY TIME I have to have someone killed. Having people killed is such a hassle and it makes him sad, not because the person is dead, but because it feels like he's let himself down somehow. YOU GUYS. He's not talking to anyone. There's no one else in the room. He's talking to himself...IN A MIRROR. Marry me, Lex Luthor.

Who is this handsome fellow?

Lois is back in the office, sadly teabagging some...tea. She's sad face about Allie and we learn that the police are saying he was killed by a drunk driver. Lois insists that it wasn't an accident because he sounded like he was in trouble. Perry asks if her father can help.

She goes to see her father at the gym. He's sitting by himself, gazing at a picture of Allie. You think they had a torrid love affair? I'm going to assume that they did. Lois and Sam reminisce and Lois says she thinks Allie was murdered. Sam is concerned and wonders if the driver saw her. He tells her to stay away from the story. Lois says she can't because she has a duty as a reporter, this is her story, and she's stubborn as shit. Lois asks if he can help her and he says he can't. This quickly turns into a fight about their relationship. "You were hardly a father at all!" Lois shouts. Ouch. She asks again about the murder, he says he knows nothing, and she leaves sadly. This is all very Jack/Sydney Bristow.

Ooh, breaking and entering! Clark and Lois are breaking into Sam's office because Lois says he's hiding something. They go on weird dates. Anyway, she's picking a lock (she saw Jimmy do it once, so she's totally good at it) but having no luck. Clark gets tired of waiting and just rips the doorknob off without her noticing and she thinks her lock-picking skills opened the door. Aww, that's so sweet.

They pull a shitload of files and pile them on a nearby table. How long are they planning on spending there? Maybe they should be a bit quicker. They find files about how all of the fighters "made mincemeat" out of their opponents.

Clark explores a bit and uses his X-ray vision to find a hidden room behind a bookcase. He tells Lois he found it because his uncle has the same secret room in his den. Yeah, cause that's a normal thing to have. If you're a pedophile. Or Batman. In any case, Lois and Clark go in and investigate because that's what they do.

There are a bunch of weird robot skeleton things all over. They kind of look like Giant Jesus after he burned down. Clark hears something with his superhearing and goes to take a look, shutting Lois in the secret room. It's Max and Sandy Vagina! Sandy Vagina is bragging about how he could beat Superman in a fight. Clark creates an earthquake by running in place really fast, which seems like it'd be a really beneficial ability. I would use it at work all the time, just so I could go home early.

RIP

Max and Sandy leave and Clark lets Lois out of the secret room. I'd have left her in there.

Back at The Daily Planet, Jimmy is looking at the pictures Lois and Clark took at her father's office. Lois says it would be the lead story if it weren't for the earthquake and Jimmy is like, "there was no earthquake," and then makes a sex joke that is not only really obvious, but also not funny. This scene is completely pointless.

Lois works on her story and Clark asks her if she really wants to do this, since she'll be implicating her father and possibly putting him in danger.

She thinks it over and decides Clark is right, then writes Allie's death up as a normal hit and run. Perry questions her about her change of heart and is pissed that she ruined his awesome story. Clark is supportive because that's what a partner does, and Lois gives him a look like, "oh, so this is what friendship is like."

Back at the gym, Sam is fixing up one of the boxers, but with bandages, not with robot arms. Lois confronts him about the robot surgeries. She wants to know what's going on and tells him she didn't write the story. He says she should have written it and they fight some more about what a horrible father/daughter he/she is. As much as it pains me, I have to side with Lois here, because she was trying to keep her dad safe AND he's the one who told her not to write the story in the first place. Maybe he forgot about that, though. He should give himself a robot brain.

Anyway, apparently Sam started making robot parts to give to handicapped people. He was doing it for THE GOOD OF MANKIND, YOU GUYS. STOP JUDGING HIM. I don't know how the robot parts magically ended up inside of boxers. Psychic surgery?

Perry assigns Lois to cover an auto show. He says he's giving the auto show story to her to boost her confidence but you know she's being punished because Perry is a total dick. Clark is being punished, too, and is assigned a story about the police academy graduation. Also, they're not partners anymore. Lois says Clark's probably glad and he's all, no, I love you, PLEASE HANG OUT WITH ME. I mean, the guy is playing baseball BY HIMSELF, so I think he could use some friends.

Menken is meeting with Lex, DUN DUN DUUUUN. Menken is going on and on about how his fighters are the best fighters of all the fighters. Lex is forced to totally school him, which is awesome. The five fighters they created are only the beginning, he says. Those men will lead to an invulnerable army, hundreds of supermen, all under Lex's control. That seems like a great idea, I really hope this happens.

Menken goes to Sam and says he needs to make the fighters stronger. Sam doesn't want to because he'd basically be creating terminators and he can't do that because he doesn't work for Skynet. Sam wants out and Menken says he has to stay until the end of his lifetime contract. I think a good lawyer could get him out of that, though, because he definitely never signed anything. Menken threatens to kill Sam some more so Sam goes to Lois.

It turns out that Sam was recording Menken's threats. He gives them to Lois and tells Lois to write her story. He walks away, smiling, and Lois runs after him and calls him Daddy, but not in a dirty way. They have a moment and when Lois and Clark walk away, Clark puts a hand on her shoulder. When I was 11, I thought this meant they were MFEO.

This is first base, right?

Perry asks Lois for her piece on the auto show and she says she didn't write it. He gets pissed until he sees she wrote the story about the fighters and their robot junk. So, instead of getting yelled at, Perry praises her for pulling his leg and writing the good story behind his back.

They're going to run the story ASAP so Perry yells at everyone to, like, get it done already. He screams for a while and then says Lane and Clark are the greatest writing team since Woodward and Bernstein. Why isn't anyone calling 911 when Perry has so clearly had a stroke? Instead, everyone cheers.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! It's almost time for the big fight and literally TENS of people have come out to watch it. Lex is at home, I think, reading a newspaper. The headline is hilarious.

This makes me so RoboAngry!

I thought he'd be really pissed but he has a plan. He doesn't really care that the robofighter (heh) thing was exposed, he just doesn't want it to get back to him. He tells Menken to do him a favor, though, and get rid of Dr. Lane. Menken says Dr. Lane has disappeared (good idea) so Lex suggests using Lois as a way to get to him. Lois hasn't been in danger yet this episode, so I guess it's about time.

The fighters are in the locker room getting ready. Sandy Vagina punches a hole in the wall and says he's going to kill Superman. Do the robot parts make them extra aggressive or is this guy just an asshole?

The announcer says that the main fight (which I think is Superman vs. Sandy Vagina but I honestly have no idea) is canceled and everyone goes CRAZY. Especially the fighters. Sandy Vagina jumps into the ring and talks a bunch of smack. He wants to fight Superman! AHHHHHHH! HULK SMASH!

Lex shows up at The Daily Planet and runs into Lois and Clark. He tells Lois that he respects Dr. Lane and wants to help him, and Lois gets all googly eyed. She's so easy, you guys.

Menken comes in and interrupts this touching moment. He has a gun! Oh no! He takes Lois hostage because it wouldn't be an episode of Lois and Clark if Lois didn't need saving. Superman finds Menken and Lois in some alley and it looks like all will be well, until two robot fighters start beating the shit out of him. This doesn't last long, though, because he wraps them up in a fence. Yep. A fence. A little guy comes out to fight him and Superman stares him down until he scampers away.

Bish plz.

Meanwhile, Menken has run away, dragging Lois behind him. Lex emerges from the shadows with a gun. He shoots Menken, saving Lois, and then Superman shows up, asking if everyone is OK. Lois totally ignores him and goes up to Lex, all, "How can I thank you, you mysterious black clad hunk of a night thing?" She is so fickle. Lex kisses her hand and makes a crack to Superman about how it was good that at least one of them could get there in time. OH NO HE DIDN'T.

Sandy Vagina is still yelling about Superman and says Superman's too scared to fight him. So Superman shows up and they fight. Yawn. Sandy hits Superman really hard and Superman fall down go boom. Superman gets up and lets the fighter hit him a bunch of times in the face. It, of course, doesn't phase him at all and Sandy is way confused, but really I think that's his default. Confusion and roid-rage. Superman acts like he's going to hit Sandy but stops just before making contact, and instead flicks him in the forehead. The fighter falls down and gets tangled in the ropes. It's actually pretty hilarious, at least until Superman makes a really bad joke about...hanging...because the guy is "hanging" in the ropes. Sigh. He needs to take some punning lessons from Buffy.

You've got something on your forehead OH WAIT IT'S MY SUPERFINGER.

Everyone cheers. Yay.

Lex is back at his house, pouring champagne into a margarita glass. He's so slick he doesn't even need to use the right glass. He's talking to someone that we can't see...Lois perhaps? But no, he's explaining why he screwed Menken over (and, um, killed him...don't forget about that, Lex), and how it was to impress Lois and make Superman look stupid. So. He's definitely not talking to Lois.

Oh, hey, there's an adorable dog in the room. Is he talking to the adorable dog?

Bark...bark?

He pours another glass of champagne. He sits down across from the dog, takes a sip of his drink, and gives the other glass to the dog. I'm not sure dogs are supposed to drink champagne but Lex Luthor does what he wants. At first I thought Lex was going to be talking to himself in the mirror again, but I think I like the fact that he was talking to the dog even better. Team Luthor.

At The Daily Planet, Perry is reading Lois's follow up to the story. He praises himself for making Lois and Clark such a great team. BUT. He then says they won't be partners all the time, only when the time is right. What? That makes no sense. Perry is the worst editor ever.

Clark pouts because Perry made fun of him for missing everything. Good thing Lex was there! Lois tells Clark not to worry about it because even Superman got there too late. Oh, ouch.

Who has sand in his vagina now?

Perry tells Clark there's another poker game that night, but Clark says he has other plans. Which are...beating the shit out of a punching bag. He punches it all the way across the room. Then he jump ropes really fast. Wheeeeee! I wonder if he can double dutch?

Review: This wasn't a terrible episode. Again, it had a lot of Lex in it, which makes everything better, especially when he's doing things like talking to himself in the mirror or having conversations with his dog. I feel sort of bad that I'm getting all the good Lex episodes and Joe's episodes are Lex-Lite. Sorry, Joe.

Also, I thought that Superman would be fighting a robot-robot, not a human with robot parts. That was disappointing. But Dean Cain made a lot of hilarious faces, so there's that. Two thumbs up!