Lois & Clark, Episode 7: Smart Kids

Netflix synopsis: Lois and Clark save Metropolis from the rule of several children who were victims of a chemical experiment to increase their intelligence.

When will we ever learn? Don't make kids super smart.

Beckworth State School

An adorable child is holding a leash, which is attached to an adorable pig. But really all pigs are adorable, so I didn't even really need to say that. I said it anyway, though, because that's what I do. The taller boy next to her is kind of snotty and asks what Socrates is doing there and she's all, "I'm not leaving him!" and I don't blame her because again: adorable pig. Also, the girl looks really familiar.

Another kid is using some crazy bleep bloop remote thing to break into a locked door. There's also another girl there but she doesn't say anything so I guess she's not important. They're breaking into the infirmary, btw.

The kid with the bleep bloop remote is breaking into a safe or something. There are vials of some red liquid (Kool-Aid? OH YEAH) inside the safe and the tall boy says, "OK, let's get smart." Then they do shots of the red liquid out of those medicine cups you get with cough medicine. See:

Mmm, Robitussin.

Yum! They are instantly smart. Or high.


Later, Lois is walking down the street carrying two grocery bags. I think she lives in Carrie Bradshaw's building. You know what's weird? There's no loaf of french bread sticking out of the bags. I thought that was mandatory for TV grocery bags. Whatever. A can falls out of one of the bags so Lois tries to pick it up. Instead she falls down. I don't even know what happened because she barely moved and then BOOM just fell down. I have no room to talk, though, because I often fall over even though I was just standing still. It's like the floor and the wall switch or something. Anyway, it's always fun to watch Lois fall on her ass.

The smart kids walk by and laugh at her. They still have the pig. Lois is all, "is that a PIG?" Um, yes, Lois. WTF? Did she hit her head? The kids laugh at her again. I love these kids. They basically call her a dumbass and walk away. Lois is having a rough night.

The Daily Planet

Clark randomly drops some knowledge about Borneo and how he saved some orangutans or something. Cat wants Clark to broaden her horizons and Jimmy thinks orangutans look wise. Compared to Jimmy, my dog's stuffed monkey toy is wise.

Perry comes in and depresses everyone by telling them that Elvis's pet monkey drank itself to death. WHAT?! Is that true?

Then they have a boring meeting. Jimmy brings something up about kids missing from the Beckworth school and Perry says it's boring and that Jimmy is stupid. Perry goes off about how there must be something interesting happening somewhere and just like that, the TV turns on, all by itself. No one runs away screaming because I guess they've never seen Poltergiest.

Anyway, it's one of the adorable children, all dressed up like a news anchor. Awwww. Their show is called Smart Kids News and, I don't know, they're supposed to be geniuses and that's the best they could come up with? I don't buy it. Smart Kid Anchor tells everyone not to look for them OR ELSE and then puts on an old Porky Pig cartoon. Then like thirty seconds later two of the other smart kids come back on and start talking about the metaphorical content of what they were just watching. It also looks like they're sitting in front of a Dalek. Random. Also, EXTERMINATE.

The newsroom is silent as everyone watches, dumbfounded. Maybe they didn't understand the Porky Pig cartoon.

Apparently the kids were on every TV in Metropolis even though Clark says it's impossible. Clark. The guy who can fly. And has heat vision. And is generally invincible. Anyway, the kids names are: Amy (girl with the pig), Phillip (the Smart Kids news anchor), Dudley (kid with the bleep bloop remote, not Dursley). We don't get the other girl's name, I guess because she hasn't had any lines yet.

Lois feels like she's seen Amy before and that's enough for Perry to give her the case. Sure.

Lex's House of Love

Some old dude in a bow tie and a plaid sports jacket is in Lex's office, all, "we must get them back!" The old guy is Dr. Carlton but I barely heard his name because I was too busy cheering when I saw Lex was going to be in the episode. The doctor keeps freaking out so Lex straight up SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE. I had to pause the episode for like five minutes because I was laughing so hard.

Happy Slapsgiving, everybody.

"Better?" asks Lex. He's so considerate. If they were in prison, Dr. Carlton would so be Lex's bitch. Wait, it doesn't matter, he's still Lex's bitch. Dr. Carlton is worried about the kids talking, and Lex says they're too smart for that, because if they talk, they don't get anymore Metamide 5. Yep. Metamide 5.

Lex asks just how smart these kids are and Dr. Carlton says their IQs have risen by...a lot, basically. Lex wonders how long it will be until the kids reach Stage 2. Dr. Carlton says the only way to figure that out is...vivisection. Awesome. Lex is totally OK with that and that is why we like Lex. Less than two minutes on screen and he's already A) slapped a guy in the face and B) endorsed the vivisection of children.

Some Taxi Somewhere

There's a traffic jam. I bet the kids did it. Lois, Clark, and Jimmy are stuck in a cab in the traffic jam. Clark reads them stuff about Beckworth school, which is basically a school for "problem kids" who are also orphans. Lois calls them brats and Clark is more sympathetic, probably because he's also an orphan.

They go to the Beckworth school and question someone who works there. If Voldemort grew up in America, I bet he would have lived at Beckworth. Lois tries to get into the infirmary but apparently no one is allowed in there except Dr. Carlton. Clark uses his x-ray vision to see that a guy is inside the infirmary shredding a bunch of papers. The guy brings a bag out of the room, full of shredded paper, and Clark speedy quick grabs a handful. I'll bet you anything that tiny handful of paper has really important information on it.

Lois stops in front of a bulletin board and a little girl throws something at her butt. It's been a rough episode for Lois's ass. The girl's name is Inez and she's Amy's little sister. She wants Lois's help. She thinks Amy will come back for her, but if she does, "he'll" catch her. She won't say who HE is because kids are unhelpful.

Smart Kids Headquarters

Phillip is worried because they don't have much money left on their credit card. He and Dudley take an elevator down to their secret, underground lair. There's a popcorn machine and games and IT LOOKS AWESOME, but Phillip bitches about what a mess it is. Amy's all, "duh, we're kids." Seriously, Phillip, I thought you were supposed to be smart.

They're almost out of "smart stuff" and Amy says she'll get more when she rescues Inez. Phillip is all, "no!" and Amy's like, "you can't stop me!" and I'm like, "yeah, fuck you, Phillip!" because seriously, he's annoying. Dudley comes over all happy because he figured out what to do about money and that is...

I don't know because they cut to Lois and Clark waiting in line at an ATM. Clark saves a guy from being crushed by his car right in front of Lois while they're waiting in line and she doesn't even notice.

Lois thinks there's no such thing as being too smart and Clark's all, "uh, yuh-huh," but Lois insists that "they're just kids." Then she tries to get some cash out of the ATM and pulls out what looks like monopoly money. Except it says Smart Bucks on it. Heh. Clark's all, "they're just KIDS remember," and Lois fumes. These two just need to have some Anger Sex already.

Mo money, mo problems.

Back at Beckworth school, Amy is sneaking in the front gate with the bleep bloop remote. Her face has black streaks on it, like she tried to camouflage it but ran out of paint. WTF, I thought they solved their money problems? Anyway, a scary guard captures her.

Lois is at her apartment, reading the newspaper in her bathrobe, and starts a bath. The bathwater comes out green and slimy. Ectoplasm! She is the gatekeeper!

Inez calls Lois. After some annoying banter, Inez tells Lois that the policeman caught Amy and talks more about some dude that's going to "get" her. Lois says she'll take care of it with her...magical powers, I guess.

Lois and Clark go to the school the next day to get custody of Amy. Dr. Carlton argues against it, obviously, because he has to dissect her or Lex will slap him again. Lois is taking Amy into custody which hopefully will backfire in an awesome fashion.

They leave the school and Lois thinks she's totally got the story now, because all she has to do is ask Amy where the other kids are and BOOM case closed. She doesn't know there are still 25 minutes left in the episode. Anyway, Clark says it'll be harder than she thinks, because kids don't automatically open up, she'll have to earn Amy's trust. Lois is like, "the day I can't outsmart an 11-year-old is the day I hang up my press pass." This should be good.

Clark asks if Lois has ever taken care of a child and Lois brags about how great she is at it, so it's not much of a surprise when she ends up tied up in her apartment:

This is how her first date with Lex ended, too.

I don't understand how this happened. Amy might be smarter than Lois (who isn't, really?) but Lois is still bigger and stronger. Amy has figured out exactly why Lois took custody of her (to get the story) but Lois insists she just wants to help.

Amy tells Lois that they broke out of the school by themselves so they don't need adults. Lois asks why Amy doesn't just go back to the Smart Kids HQ, but Amy's worried about being followed. Lois tries to bond with her by telling her that her parents are divorced which is a LITTLE bit different than being dumped in an orphanage by your still-living mother, so Amy gets angry. Lois somehow sweet talks her way out of her predicament because Amy squirts some lotiony stuff on Lois and the green rope dissolves.

Beckworth School

Clark and Lois question Dr. Carlton. During questioning, Clark stops listening and uses his superpowers to swipe stuff from the lab. Dr. Carlton says he can't really tell them anything he does because they're too dumb to comprehend anything he says. Which...is probably true.

They leave Dr. Carlton and Clark shows Lois the Metamide 5 that he stole from the lab. Lois pretends to be mad but it's a fake-out because really she's totally turned on that Clark would break the rules like that.

Lex's House of Love

Lex is getting a massage that sounds painful. Like, the masseuse (who I shall call Helga) is just hitting him on the back. Lex's phone rings and he answers, giving Helga his credit card for payment. She slaps him on the ass and walks away.

Lex's talking to Dr. Carlton, who is probably telling him about how Lois and Clark came to see him and didn't even bring him any cookies. Lex tells him he should leave town for a while, but to stop by for his final payment. Yeah, Lex is totally going to kill him.

Helga comes back and says Lex's credit card was refused. Lex is all, "haha, whatevs," and messes with his towel. Helga crushes the credit card and I guess Lex is going to have to make payment another way.

Refuse THIS, Helga.

Superman flies around the city. He flies over a carnival because apparently Metropolis is a popular stomping ground for carnies. Then he flies over a baseball field. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS? He lands in an alley, goes offscreen, and has changed back into Clark when he reappears. The smart kids see this and figure out that Clark is Superman, so they send him this note:

Amateur hour

Clark is worried.

The next day, everyone at The Daily Planet is watching Smart Kids News, and Phillip says to leave them alone or they'll mess with more of Metropolis's shit. Jimmy says no one could figure out what Metamide 5 is, but that it stimulates cerebral material in lab rats. Well, I'm glad they figured that out. Guess the episode is over. What? Twenty more minutes. UGH.

Lois tries to reach Dr. Carlton but he's taken a leave of absence. Clark asks about Amy and Lois says she won't talk to her. She won't trust Lois because she's a grown up. I think Amy won't trust Lois because she's a good judge of character. Clark tries to get Lois to identify with Amy because the best way to get Lois to do anything is to make it all about her. Clark then creepily says, "I bet you were a cute kid."

Lois says, "I'm still a cute kid." What is happening right now?

Some guy brings Clark a big package. Heh. No really, it's a huge package. There's a note inside (and some balloons?) from the Smart Kids, telling him to meet them at 2 PM wearing his Superman costume.

Then, for no reason, we are treated to a scene of Clark playing ping pong with himself, because apparently every episode needs to show him gratuitously using his powers (coughFILLER). My question is, why is he wearing his glasses? Anyway, as pointless as this scene is, I like it because there's banjo music playing and then Clark breaks something and makes a hilarious face.

This face is why Lois won't go out with you.

He notices it's almost 2 and walks over to a camera that says "Do Not Touch" because it's only for sex games or something. Not really, the Smart Kids put it there. He makes his apartment look like a shithole because everyone knows Superman is a neat freak.

The TV turns on and the kids ask why he's not wearing his suit. Clark takes a bite of pizza and tells them he's not Superman. Phillip ignores this and reads their demands, which are:

An F-18 fighter jet (painted red and yellow)
4 mountain bikes
an emerald (10K, at least)
3 aqualungs
100 pounds of gooey bears
an island

I have to say, those are pretty good demands. I would have asked for a pet monkey, but I guess they already have the pig and what if the pig and the monkey don't get along?

Clark tries to cover his ass and tells the kids he was just meeting Superman that night in the alley, so OBVIOUSLY he's not Superman. He tells them that Superman is worried about them. Clark fake drops a glass and dips his finger in some ketchup so it looks like he's bleeding. He basically acts like a bumbling idiot so the kids don't think he's Superman.

Back at Lois's, Amy is freaking out and crying because the Metamide 5 is wearing off and she's getting dumb again. Lois gives her a hug and is actually really nice to her, probably because she knows how hard it is to be really dumb. Amy is still crying and I want to give her a hug, too. She asks if Lois wants to know how the smart stuff works. She tells Lois that it makes you know everything, but if you stop taking it, you get dumber again. Uh, we know that already, Amy. I guess she really is getting dumber.

Lex's House of Love

Lex is standing in front of a roaring fire, holding a cigar, and talking to someone we can't see. Oh, please let it be that cute dog again. Nope. It's Dr. Carlton. He is nowhere near as cute as the dog. Especially after what Lex did to him which was...drug him. Using a funnel. And some purple liquid, which turns out to be Metamide 6. Seems kind of unsophisticated for Lex Luthor, but whatever.

That's not how you bong a beer.

Lex tells the incapacitated Dr. Carlton that he's leaving because he has a busy evening of Strip Charades planned. Of course he does. I love him. There's a knock at the door. It's the kids. They spray him with a super soaker. Remember super soakers? I loved those. Anyway, I guess whatever they sprayed him with wasn't water because Lex passes out and they kidnap him.

The Daily Planet

Lois wonders why they kidnapped Lex. The Smart Kids come on the TV and say they'll release Lex Luthor if they get Amy back. And an island. With some palm trees. And also 1000 pounds of gooey bears. They have 24 hours to comply or they'll give Lex a nuclear wedgie or something.

Jimmy tells them the scientists discovered that if the kids take too much Smart Stuff, it basically destroys their brains. Clark is so mad, he crushes a pencil. Sure.

Lois tells Amy that it isn't a game anymore and they need to know where the kids are. Amy still doesn't trust them. Lois is like, "sure, fine, whatever," and tells her to do what she feels is right. Amy agrees to tell just Lois and Clark, and takes them to the lair. Dudley tries to shoot them with his super soaker but Amy stops him. The girl with no name is there, too. She still hasn't had any lines. Amy tells them they have to stop taking Metamide 5 because it'll turn to poison if they keep taking it.

Dudley and the still nameless girl are easily swayed and point them in the direction of Phillip and Lex. Lois stays with Amy, Dudley, and No Name, while Clark goes after Phillip and Lex. Of course, once Clark is out of sight, he changes into Superman. Does that ever get NOT fun to watch? I don't think so.

Superman finds Phillip and Lex. Lex is tied up in a weird chair with syringes all around him and Phillip is gloating in stupid sunglasses. He says he's going to inject Lex with a buttload of Metamide if Metropolis doesn't meet his demands.

Also, Phillip's taken the Metamide 6 and now he's super SUPER smart. Superman tries to get Phillip to go back to being normal, but Phillip wants to stay different. Superman tells him different is bad because HE'S different and what's so awesome about that? I mean, sure, he can fly and he's super strong and stuff, but...yeah, his speech isn't really working because being different sounds AWESOME.

Lex says that Phillip isn't different, he's "special," and that he had no idea Dr. Carlton was using them as lab rats. Superman is all, "don't believe Lex," and Lex is all, "I'm on your side," and Superman is like, "no, I am!" Take it outside, boys.

Superman and Lex argue some more, both trying to get Phillip to do what they want. Phillip has to choose between being a kid (Superman) and GREATNESS (Lex). Phillip is all, "it's not easy being a kid," and then acts like he's going to inject Lex with the Metamide 5, but then just squirts it all over him and ruins his shirt. You idiot! That shirt was probably expensive.

So, Lex had a bad day, but Lois is still on his side. The next day she tells Clark and Jimmy that Lex is awesome because he destroyed all of Dr. Carlton's notes and paid off the credit card the kids used. They walk around the school's playground, and Amy waves to Lois. Aww, she's cute. Then they walk by Dudley and Phillip, who have written this on the ground:

Yep. Definitely not smart anymore.

Right in front of Lois. She doesn't realize, though. Because it's too soon. Oops, spoiler. Sorry. The pig is still there, too. I don't know what kind of school lets you keep a pig as a pet, but I wish I'd gone there.

Review: Lex + adorable pig = Good, so A+ for this episode. Yes, I am half-assing my reviews, what of it?