Lois & Clark, Episode 7: Smart Kids

Netflix synopsis: Lois and Clark save Metropolis from the rule of several children who were victims of a chemical experiment to increase their intelligence.

When will we ever learn? Don't make kids super smart.

Beckworth State School

An adorable child is holding a leash, which is attached to an adorable pig. But really all pigs are adorable, so I didn't even really need to say that. I said it anyway, though, because that's what I do. The taller boy next to her is kind of snotty and asks what Socrates is doing there and she's all, "I'm not leaving him!" and I don't blame her because again: adorable pig. Also, the girl looks really familiar.

Another kid is using some crazy bleep bloop remote thing to break into a locked door. There's also another girl there but she doesn't say anything so I guess she's not important. They're breaking into the infirmary, btw.

The kid with the bleep bloop remote is breaking into a safe or something. There are vials of some red liquid (Kool-Aid? OH YEAH) inside the safe and the tall boy says, "OK, let's get smart." Then they do shots of the red liquid out of those medicine cups you get with cough medicine. See:

Mmm, Robitussin.

Yum! They are instantly smart. Or high.

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Sports Night, Episode 1: Pilot

Synopsis from DVD: Casey’s divorce has left him unnerved and uncertain about all he holds dear in life, including his love for sports. It’s up to Dan and Dana to snap him out of his funk before the network brass loses patience. Meanwhile, Dana’s search for a new research analyst ends as she hires the devoted—if slightly overzealous—Jeremy, after a particularly grueling job interview.

Goodness, that’s an amazingly thorough synopsis. It really puts the little Netflix synopses to shame.

I’m going to do this a little differently than the Lois & Clark recaps. Since the episodes are so much shorter at only 22 minutes, the recaps themselves will be much shorter, so I’ll have some analysis and commentary sprinkled in, as well as just general thoughts and musings about the show.

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The X-Files: Squeeze

Netflix synopsis: Mulder and Scully search for a humanoid killer whose savage murder spree reoccurs every 30 years.

What I remember: AWWWWW, YEAH. LIVER! EATING! MUTANT! Ahem. Horace from Lost steals livers. Mulder and Scully are adorable. Donal Logue plays a douchebag. That is all.

YOU GUYS. I love this episode. It might be my favorite from the whole season. Anyway. Let's get to it.

BALTIMORE, MARYLAND

A dude walks out of a building. We find out later that his name is George Usher, so that's what I'm going to call him. He goes all slo-mo and we see that someone or something is watching him from a sewer. All we can see are creepy, creepy eyes THAT ARE CREEPY.

Usher (not this Usher) gets off an elevator and goes into his office. OH NO. Something is crawling up the elevator shaft. Usher makes a phone call and leaves a message for his wife to tell her he'll be at the office late, but we know that he's going to be there forever because he's about to die.

There's a close up of a small heating vent. One of the screws turns and falls out. Dirty fingers poke out of the vent. Usher goes to get some coffee and then comes back to his office, where he is savagely attacked. Luckily, we don't have to see exactly what happens, but we do see blood dripping on the carpet and Usher's totally-dead reflection. There is blood everywhere and the vent closes.

Credits!

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Scully is having lunch with one of her classmates from Quantico, an Agent Tom Colton, played douchetastically by a very young Donal Logue. They're discussing one of their classmates who got a job that Colton thinks is too good for him. Colton is jealous but Scully tells him it'll be him getting an awesome promotion someday, because she's nicer than I am. Colton makes a crack about Scully working with Spooky Mulder and she defends him, saying that Mulder's ideas might be "out there" but that he's a great agent. Also, he's way hotter than you, Colton, so STFU.

Colton tells her about a case he's working on that's "out there," which is a good way to describe a murderer who steals livers. Apparently, George Usher wasn't the only one to be violently murdered lately, though. Go figure. More than one violent murder in DC. The tricksy thing is that they can't figure out the point of entry because everyone was, like, locked up tight in their murder caves. Also, their livers were ripped from their bodies, which is kind of weird because if I've learned anything from TV and movies, it's that serial killers are meticulous and hardly ever use their bare hands to remove body parts. I just made all that up. Anyhow, Scully says it sounds like an x-file. Colton wants Scully to go to the crime scene and look around. Scully asks if she should bring Mulder and you can tell that's what Colton wanted all along but he tries to cover with, "sure, if you want...but make sure Mulder knows this is MY case." Hey. Colton. Why don't you just pee on the crime scene, that ought to do it.

Colton calls Scully, "Dana." Then he calls her Mrs. Spooky. I hate him so hard.

CRIME SCENE
GEORGE USHER'S OFFICE
BALTIMORE, MARYLAND

Mulder asks Scully why they didn't just ask him to come to the crime scene and instead went through Scully. She says they're friends of hers from the academy and probably felt more comfortable dealing with her. Mulder's all, "why do I make them uncomfortable?" She says it's because of his reputation. He pretends not to know what she's talking about, like he doesn't know he's a big weirdo who wants to be BFF with E.T.

Colton enters and Mulder and Scully have to stop flirting. Ugh. Go away, Colton. Scully makes introductions. Colton makes a crack about "little green men" and Mulder acts like a dick and it's awesome. I love when Mulder is a dick to dicks. He finds a teeny piece of...something on the ground and checks out the small vent that the killer crawled through. HE FINDS A FINGERPRINT. Take that, Colton.

Back in the basement of unsolved mysteries, Mulder is showing Scully a slide of the fingerprint he took from the office, as well as a fingerprint from an old x-file. They're a match. They're also really weird, in that they're all stretchy. Mulder's wearing glasses. Here:

Here's a little something...for the ladies.

Mulder says that the old murders match the new ones because of the undetermined points of entry. There were prints discovered at five out of the ten crime scenes for murders that took place in the 1930s and 1960s. AND there was at least one liver-disappearance in 1903. So we're looking at five murders every 30 years. Mulder says there are two more to go this year before the killer disappears. Scully wonders if they are copycat murders and Mulder's all, "remember how no two fingerprints are alike?" Duh, Scully. You're better than that.

She says she can't go tell people that these murders were done by aliens and he's like, "SIGH I know I always say things are aliens but not this time. Try and keep up, Scully." So then she asks if he thinks this is the work of a 100 year old serial killer, which is awesome because even though she's being sarcastic, she's right. Mulder's like, sure, we're looking for a really old guy AND he should stick out in a crowd with ten inch fingers. That's probably true. He's probably also pretty popular with the ladies, if you know what I'm saying and I think you do. Yeah, I went there. Anyway, Scully says this is Colton's case so they should back off, but Mulder says their x-file goes back to 1903 so it's really their case. Mulder suggests that they have their own investigation, totally separate from Colton's, and Scully can't say no to Mulder's pouty face so that's what they do. I'm sure Colton will be fine with this when he finds out.

Scully's at home, typing a profile of the killer. It's pretty boring. Anyway, later she reads her profile to Colton and his group of investigators. They look impressed and say they're going to target the sites of the previous murders. They tell Scully she's welcome to work with them, so long as she doesn't mind working in an area more "down to earth." She looks perturbed, probably because they're acting like dicks for no raisin.

CRIME SCENE

Scully is sitting alone in her car in a parking garage. She hears a suspicious noise and gets out, gun drawn. It's just Mulder, though, carrying a bag of sunflower seeds. Because it's totally normal for him to be wandering around a crime scene having a snack. And he's probably spitting the empty shells everywhere. Gross. But really he's just came to tell Scully that she's dumb for being there because there's no way the killer's coming back. Scully is annoyed and says he's jeopardizing her stakeout. Mulder's offers her a sunflower seed and then wanders away.

On his way out, he hears someone crawling around a heating vent and creepy music starts to play, so you know some shit is about to go down. Mulder runs to Scully, tells her to call for back up and then follow him. She does this because she's good at following orders. They approach the heating vent, Scully points her gun, and she orders the guy to proceed slowly down the vent. Someone crawls out, ass first. He's all dirty. It's Horace! From Lost! Anyway, they arrest him.

The ass of a killer.

Mulder tells Scully she was right because apparently he can tell right away that this is totally the guy they're looking for.

F.B.I. BUREAU
BALTIMORE, MARYLAND

They're giving the suspect a polygraph test. His name is Eugene Victor Tooms and he works for animal control. We don't know if he's lying yet but he's creepy so let's assume that he is. He says he's never removed a liver, he's never killed a human being, he's never been in George Usher's office, and that he didn't kill him. The polygraph lady asks him if he's over 100 years old. Colton mentions that it must be a control question but Mulder says he had her ask it. Anyway, Tooms says he's not over 100 years old. She asks if he's been to Powhattan Mill in 1933, which is where the previous murders from the x-file took place. Colton looks annoyed.

The polygraph lady says Tooms didn't kill those people. They also confirmed that Animal Control had been called in to see about a bad smell in the vents, which turned out to be a dead cat (aww, poor kitty), so his story checks out.

Scully still thinks it's suspicious that Tooms was crawling around a heating duct that late at night without alerting security and Mulder says she's right. One of the agents acts all annoyed and is like, "what do you got, Mulder?" because even though they think he's a weirdo, they also know that Mulder knows his shit.

Mulder says Tooms lied on some of the questions, namely the 100 year old question. The agent gets pissed. Mulder insists that Tooms is the murderer and the agent leaves in a huff. Colton asks if Scully is coming with them and she thanks him for letting her work with them, but she's officially assigned to The X-Files.

Colton says, "I'll see what I can do about that," and Mulder gives him a dark look, all, "I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY SEXY EYES IF YOU TAKE SCULLY FROM ME."

Don't you take away the precious.

Mulder and Scully leave and Scully asks why Mulder purposefully pissed them off. Mulder says he thinks Scully caught the right guy, but OK, yeah, he also gets tired of people being hostile just because his theories are out there. Also, he wanted to mess with them. I don't blame him at all, those guys were awful. Scully says he was acting territorial and he says "of course I was!" while messing with her necklace and almost groping her boobies. I guess she's lucky that Mulder didn't pee all over her, right?

Uh...

Mulder says that even though Scully doesn't always agree with him, at least she respects the journey. He says he won't hold it against her if she wants to continue working with Colton but she cutely says she wants to see what Mulder has to back up his bizarre theory.

They use a fancy-by-1993-standards computer program to examine the stretchy finger print they found in George Usher's office, as well as the fingerprints they took from Tooms. Turns out they match, but only after Mulder stretches Tooms's fingerprint. I'm not sure it'd hold up in court, but I'm convinced.

Cut to a car pulling up to a house. Someone is watching from the shadows and again, all we can see are creepy eyes.

Welcome to my nightmare.

It's Tooms! Duh. He runs up to the house and peeks in the window. He climbs up the side of the house, kind of like Spiderman. Then he crawls down the chimney. The teeny chimney. He's SQUEEZING inside because he can SQUEEZE into small spaces. Get it? Cause...Squeeze is the name of the episode. Anyway.

The guy tries to light a fire but can't get the newspaper to catch. Tooms comes out from behind him and yeah, that guy is dead.

The next day, Colton is yelling at people at the crime scene because he's cranky that he's so out of his league. He says he's willing to give any theory a shot, but when Mulder walks in, he's all, "any sane theory." Dick. Colton tries to get rid of them and Mulder asks if he's worried that Mulder's gonna solve his case. Jesus, you guys, just get a ruler and measure them already. Colton tries to physically stop Mulder from entering and Scully says that if he doesn't let them in it'll make him look bad and Colton can't have that. Colton asks Scully whose side she's on and she says, "the victim's." Also, Mulder's.

The victim's name is Thomas Werner. Scully starts to tell Mulder some facts about the crime scene but Mulder's already decided that it was Tooms. He says Tooms took something, too.

Microfiche time! Mulder is doing research and finds a Eugene Victor who lived on Exeter Street in 1933. Scully comes in and says that Tooms hasn't shown up for work since he was arrested. Mulder still thinks it was Tooms doing all the murders, including the ones from 1903, 1933, and 1963 but Scully thinks maybe it was Tooms's grandfather. What? Mulder says they need to track Tooms down now because if Tooms gets one more liver, he'll go into hibernation in 30 years. That was a weird sentence to type.

Mulder says he's going to keep doing research and asks if Scully has any Dramamine because microfiche makes him seasick. Me too. We had to learn how to use microfiche in high school and it made me dizzy. I'm so happy that Google exists.

Research, research, research. You can tell they're working hard because Mulder takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes. They don't find anything, except the current address of the man who investigated the murders in 1933.

LYNNE ACRES RETIREMENT HOME
BALTIMORE, MARYLAND

They meet with an old man in a wheelchair named Detective Briggs. He was the investigator on the 1933 murders and he says he's been waiting for them to come see him ever since. He says the Powhattan Mills murders stuck with him, because he felt true evil when he walked onto those crime scenes. Only a human monster could have done something like those murders.

Briggs asks Mulder to get a box out of the trunk. The box holds all the evidence he's collected, officially and unofficially. He says he knew the murders in 1963 were done by the same person as the murders in 1933 but could never prove it because he wasn't allowed to investigate. He says that Tooms took trophies from each victim. He shows them pictures he took of Tooms in 1933 and he looks exactly the same as he does now, except he's in front of an old-timey car.

Hey Tooms, Urkel called and he wants his look back.

Detective Briggs directs them to 66 Exeter Street, where Tooms lived in 1933. So, obviously, Mulder and Scully go there immediately.

The building is in ruins. Mulder and Scully walk around with guns and flashlights drawn. They find 103, the apartment Tooms lived in, and burst in. Hey! This part is in the credits.

Do do do do do dooooooo

They walk slowly in and Mulder says that the old man was right, you can feel the evil in the room. I'll bet evil is cold and smells weird.

Scully says there's nothing there but Mulder moves a mattress to reveal a large hole in the wall. Mulder wonders what's down there. Scully calmly says, "let's find out," and then just crawls down a ladder, into the darkness. I know I said this last week, and I'll probably say it every week, but SHE IS SO BADASS.

Mulder follows her and they find an old coal cellar. They also find a pile of junk, which turns out to be the all of the trophies that were taken from the recent victims. There's a weird nest in the wall and...it's gross. It's made out of rags and newspapers. Mulder, of course, sticks his hand in it and gets goo all over his fingers. He's pretty grossed out when Scully tells him he just stuck his hand in bile. This would be grosser if the goo didn't look so much like ectoplasm.

Should I...should I taste it?

Scully says no one could live in there but Mulder thinks the nest is where Tooms hibernates. Mulder's theory is that he's a genetic mutant who can eat five livers every 30 years and then hibernate. That sounds like a pretty terrible mutant power. No wonder Professor Xavier never invited Tooms to join his School for Gifted Youngsters.

Anyway, Scully's like, "...yeah, so anyway, at least we know where to find him now." Mulder tells Scully to go see if she can get a surveillance team to come stake out the building while Mulder keeps watch for now. As they leave, Scully's necklace gets caught on something, but she quickly untangles herself. We see a hand drop down, holding Scully's necklace. It's Tooms. Aww, shit.

66 Exeter St., 11:30 A.M.

Mulder's hanging out in his car when a couple of agents come to relieve him. Mulder shows them a picture of Tooms, so they know who to look for, and says he and Scully will be back in eight hours to relieve them. One of the agents calls Mulder "Spooky" as he leaves. Why is every other FBI agent they work with a total ass?

Scully's wrapping stuff up at the office and Colton bursts in all, "we have to talk." This should be fun. Scully blows him off and says she has to meet Mulder. Colton is pissed that they're using some of his agents to stake out an abandoned building. He says he was looking forward to working with her at first, because she was a "good agent," but that Mulder ruined her. Wait, DID Mulder pee on her? Anyway, Colton says he had the stakeout called off and Scully starts to call Mulder. Colton takes the phone from her and is all, "let ME tell Mulder the news because I haven't acted like a big enough douche and people don't hate me enough yet."

Scully says she can't wait to see Colton fall on his ass, then storms out. She goes home and we see that Tooms is watching her from the shadows.

66 EXETER ST., 7:25 P.M.

Mulder is back to relieve the surveillance team but they're already gone. He's confused because apparently either Scully never called him to tell him what Colton did, or he doesn't listen to his voicemail ever. He runs inside.

Scully is at home and OK NOW she's leaving Mulder a message about how much Colton sucks and how furious she is. She's also drinking. Good call. Do you think if Tooms eats Scully's liver and she's drunk, he gets drunk, too?

She hangs up and starts a bath. Tooms lurks outside her window.

Mulder investigates the trophy station in the coal cellar and finds Scully's necklace. See, when he was messing with her necklace before, it was important and NOT AT ALL borderline inappropriate, because now we know that Mulder knows what Scully's necklace looks like, so we know that he knows that Scully is is DANGER. Cue Mulder freak out. He's in SaveScully! mode now, which is the most frantic of all his modes.

Scully's bath is ready, so she opens a bottle of bath salts or smelly soap or whatever the hell women put in baths on TV. Some ectoplasm bile drips on her hand and she freaks out because A) that's way gross and B) her liver is in danger.

She sees that the bile is dripping from a small vent on the ceiling. She grabs her gun. Mulder's trying to call her but Tooms cut Scully's phone line, which seems like a lot of thought for a liver-eating mutant to be putting into his murders.

Tooms reaches out of a small vent near the floor and grabs Scully's foot. She falls down and he bursts the rest of the way out of the vent. Scully hits him and even digs her thumbs into his eyeballs, but he's stronger than her and is about to rip out her liver WITH HIS BARE HANDS. Mulder finally gets there and runs in to help. Tooms decides at that point to run and tries to get out the window. Scully stops him and Tooms strangles her a little. Stop being so mean, Tooms. Mulder reaches to stop Tooms but gets hit and falls on the floor. As Tooms goes for Mulder, who is lying helplessly on the floor, Scully handcuffs him to her bathtub. Tooms. Not Mulder.

Mulder asks Scully if she's alright and she nods, clearly not OK, but she's handling this a lot better than I would.

This is the face of someone rethinking her career path.

Mulder says Tooms isn't going to get his quota this year and Tooms struggles against the handcuffs. Couldn't Tooms just slide out of those? I mean, he squeezed through a teeny vent, right? So I wouldn't think handcuffs would be a problem. I don't know, maybe he's tired.

Detective Briggs reads in the newspaper that Tooms was caught and he starts crying. Aww, poor old guy. I want to give him a hug.

Meanwhile, Tooms is in the crazy house, tearing newspaper into strips and licking each one, before throwing the pieces in the corner. He's building another nest. Mulder watches him from outside and Scully approaches.

She says she ordered some genetic tests and spews a lot of sciency talk. Basically, Tooms is a genetic mutant. Scully seems pretty accepting of it, I guess because there's science to back it up. Mulder says something about how people putting bars on their windows and buying security systems are screwed if people like Tooms are in the world. Tooms could still get in and eat their livers. Maybe with some fava beans. Or a nice chianti. Aren't you guys so impressed that it took me the whole recap to make a Hannibal Lector joke? Scully touches Mulder's arm (whoooooooooo!) and breaks him out of his depressing reverie. They walk away together.

An orderly slides a food tray through a small opening in the door to Tooms's room, then locks it. Tooms sits creepily, staring at the slot in the door, and then smiles. Eff. You guys. He freaks me out. Whenever Doug Hutchinson showed up on Lost, I spent the whole time worried that he was going to spew bile everywhere and rip out someone's liver.

Hello, Clarice.

The End except not really. To be continued in like 18 episodes.

Favorite quotes:

Mulder: Why would I make them so uncomfortable?
Scully: It probably has to do with your reputation.
Mulder: Reputation? I have a reputation?
Scully: Mulder, look, Colton plays by the book and you don't. They feel your methods, your theories are...
Mulder: Spooky? Do you think I'm spooky?

Agent Colton: So, Mulder, what do you think? Does this look like the work of little green men?
Mulder: Grey.
Agent Colton: Excuse me?
Mulder: Grey. You said green men. A Reticulan's skin tone is actually grey. They're notorious for their extraction of terrestrial human livers. Due to iron depletion in the Reticulan galaxy.
Agent Colton: You can't be serious.
Mulder: Do you have any idea what liver and onions go for on Reticula?

Scully: Oh my god, Mulder. It smells like...I think it's bile.
Mulder: Is there any way I can get it off my fingers quickly without betraying my cool exterior?

Lois & Clark, Episode 6: I've Got A Crush On You

Netflix Synopsis: Lois and Clark infiltrate a criminal gang they suspect of setting destructive fires throughout Metropolis.

This seems like a good idea.


Superman prefers to fly crotch-first into danger.
The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! No, seriously, there's a building on fire. It looks pretty serious. The Metropolis fire department is working hard to put out the blaze, the sixth in the last twenty-four hours, according to the handy TV news reporter/expository character who is on hand. Superman arrives on the scene and rescues a man who was trapped in the building. Mr. Exposition asks Superman if he has any idea who's behind the fires, saying they're rumored to be gang-related. Gang-related fires? Let me be the first to say: what the hell? Some cities have drive-by shootings, but apparently Metropolis has middle-of-the-day arson. Before Superman can respond to the reporter, he hears on the police band that there's another fire across town and flies off.

Elsewhere, Johnny, an obvious Sopranos reject, is holding auditions for chorus girls in a night club. Is he a 1920s gangster? If he is, he is sorely lacking in the pinstripe suit department. The auditions are interrupted by Ms. Exposition, who needs to tell Johnny right away that there was another fire, and that the owner of the building pays "The Metro Organization" for protection. I assume that she is referring to the gang that Johnny runs, and not the series of interconnected railways in the Washington DC area. Johnny calls for the next auditioner, and who should walk out but Lois Lane, lookin' fiiiiine. Johnny takes one look at her and hires her. He didn't even make her tapdance! That's just not fair to the other applicants.


DAAAAAAAAMN, girl.
Back at the Planet, Lois is defending her decision to go undercover to Clark and Jimmy. She explains that she needs to go undercover to find out why the West River area, which is Metro Gang-controlled territory, is on fire. Honestly, yeah, it's dangerous, but I have to side with Lois on this one. If she really wants to be an investigative journalist, she's got to be willing to take risks like this, and there's really no other way to get this story than to infiltrate this gang. Good on you, Lane. I hope this works out for you. Perry agrees and says that he will back his reporters 100%, even if Clark were to go up to the roof and say that he could fly. Get it? Because Clark is Superman, so he really can fly. Anyway. Clark tells Lois that she should have consulted with him first, and Lois condescends to him with what amounts to "you win some, you lose some." She goes on to say that she would never do anything to compromise her safety or her journalistic integrity, at which point Jimmy walks up to her desk carrying a dry cleaning bag that had been delivered for her. He says the cleaners had some problems with the feathers, and pulls out what appears to be a skimpy chicken costume. Lois hides the outfit in disgust, but I'm sure she could pull it off.

Lex Luthor is holding a press conference regarding some urban renewal projects that he is investing in that just happen to be in the West River area. He doesn't seem worried about the fires, and delights in the fact that not even Superman can keep up with them. He refers to the area is a blight on Metropolis, and says that the newly-rechristened Lex Harbor will be the crown jewel of the city. Clark, who is in attendance, asks Lex about allegations of coercion made by city council members, and Lex brushes him off before abruptly leaving. Clark watches him leave and looks back at the model of Lex Harbor pensively.


"Costa Del Lex. Luthorville. Marina del Lex. Otisburg... Otisburg?"
Meanwhile, at the Metro Club, Lois is being trained as a waitress. The trainer warns Lois to watch out for the wandering hands of the men in this club. A group of suited men enter a back room of the club, and Lois offers $20 to the woman training her to let her serve the men their drinks. In the back room, the gambinos are stressing about the fires, but Johnny reassures them that he'll take care of them. Ms. Exposition interjects, asking how he plans to take care of them, and Johnny looks pissed as Lois enters with some drinks. Johnny grabs Lois's butt non-chalantly, being sure to get a really good handful there.


"Yeah, that's the stuff. That is nice, kid. You must work out.
He then goes back to berating Ms. Exposition (whom Johnny refers to as 'Ms. MBA', so I think that will be her name from now on), saying that the old-style gangster tactics that they're using now worked just fine for his father (their father? the implication is that they are siblings), and that if their father were here he would "be the first to tell you to get a good husband, start having babies, and leave the real work to the men". Ms. MBA shoots back that that's what their father did tell her, not realizing that Johnny would ruin everything. BURN! Johnny pulls a gun and fires three times at the wall, proving that he is the more level-headed of the two. Ms. MBA strolls out, and everyone else gets up from off of the floor, having hidden there when the gun made its appearance.

That evening, a mangy sailor enters the Metro Club. He wears a stocking cap, mustache, chin beard, and glasses. Yep, it's Clark. Just soak this in for a minute:


Honestly, it's a better disguise than just putting on a pair of glasses and slouching, but still. That's just damn ridiculous. Anyway. Let's move on. Clark strolls over to the bar, orders a beer, and peruses the club, immediately finding the head gangsters. He moves along the back wall of the club when, from behind a curtain, a feathered hand grabs him. Naturally it's Lois, in full skimpy chicken getup.


"You look ridiculous!"
She yells at Clark for even being there, but Clark doesn't magically disappear for some reason, probably because he wants to protect Lois. He asks her how she plans to get close to Johnny, to which Lois replies, "He's a man, I'm a woman. Do you want me to draw you a diagram?" So...she's going to have sex with him? I've seen diagrams like the ones she's talking about, and I'm pretty sure that's what she's implying. Lois gets a call to the stage, and Clark heads back out to watch the show. He strolls back up to the bar and orders two double Whiskeys, which he downs immediately, then starts to complain to the bartender about how he got thrown off of his ship today. Wow, Clark, you are a convincing sailor. Maybe you should throw in a couple of 'gash darnits' just to really drive it home. As Clark whines, the show starts, and Lois dances around in her chicken costume. It's the most not-hot thing I've ever seen. Clark asks the bartender if the club has any job openings, and the bartender says that Clark isn't the type. Clark acts all indignant, and the manager - Ms. MBA - approaches, saying they don't have any openings and that he'll need to leave, as he is violating the club's dress code policy. It is at that point that these four enter the club:


Oh my God! It's DEVO!
One of the guys in silver screams at Johnny that he's a dead man, and all four of them open fire with their flame throwers. Clark leaps across the room and knocks Johnny out of the way of the flames as the four set the place ablaze. Several gangsters shoot at the silver guys, and the four run away. Clark helps Johnny to his feet, then sees that Ms. MBA is trapped behind a wall of flames. He leaps through them and saves her, then rushes everyone else, chicken-suited Lois included, out of the club. As they all leave, he uses his super-breath to put out the fire. As the fire dies down, Lois rushes back in and asks Clark who those guys were. Clarks points to the wall, where the word 'TOASTERS' has been burned. This gang is called The Toasters. Or they really hate appliances. Either way, wow is that awful.

The next day, the club is being cleaned up. They try to paint over the burn marks, but to no avail - the word TOASTERS is still plainly visible. You know, if they renamed the place Toasters, that might actually work to their advantage. But then their club wouldn't be named after their gang, and that would just be silly. There's a secret meeting going on in the back room, and no waitresses are allowed in, so Lois can't get in to spy on them. She does the next best thing, though: she sneaks into the room adjacent and spies through the bullet holes that Johnny shot earlier, which apparently afford her a clear view of the whole room. Nice shootin', Johnny. In the meeting, Ms. MBA has organized a coup against her brother. She orders Johnny removed from the room, and tells everyone else that she plans to take their organization "out of the back room and into the board room". Corporations are evil. Throw rocks at them.

Lois rushes back to the Planet and tells Clark what she heard about Johnny's sister, Toni, taking over (finally, she has a name!). Lois sets to work on the story, and Clark tells her that Toni asked him to meet her at the club later that day. She is shocked and asks why, to which Clark replies, "I'm a man, she's a woman. Do you want me to draw you a diagram?" Again, is Clark planning on having sex with this woman? What kind of reporters are these two? The sexy kind, that's what.

The next next day, Toni is furious that the story of the Metro Gang's power shift is in the Planet. She fumes and wonders where the leak came from, as this information could only have come from inside the organization. She orders one of her lackeys to find the leak, and as she does Clark arrives in his sailor disguise. Toni offers him a bartending job, as a token of appreciation for his having saved her life. She also gives him some money to buy better clothes and to shave. Well done, Toni. Whatever that thing is on his face was really driving me crazy. As they talk, another of Toni's lackeys approaches her and tells her that the club's singer just quit and that they need to find a new one.

Later that evening, a clean-shaven Clar...er, Charlie King (That's his alias. CK, get it?) is tending bar. Lois spies him and is outraged that he is there. Toni approaches the bar and advises them against fraternization, and Clark gives Lois a nice pat on the butt as she walks away. Clark fixes Toni a drink, using his powers to freeze up some ice, and asks if she heard about The Toasters' latest hit: burning a police station to the ground. He asks Toni how she plans to stop them, and before she answers Toni turns and looks across the room, where Lex Luthor is entering the club. She tells Clark that they will talk later and she and Lex get a table. Clark listens in with his super-hearing as Toni tells Lex that everything is under control. She says that she's worried about The Toasters, and before Clark can hear more, the music starts and the announcer introduces Ms. Lola Dane - a sequin-dressed Lois Lane. As they listen to her sing, both Clark and Lex look at her with that TV show look that you know means they're both falling in love with her. The song she sings is called "I've Got A Crush On You," which finally explains the title of the episode. Lois makes eye contact with Lex and smiles, and Clark notices and gets jealous. The song ends, everyone applauds, and Lex throws Lois a rose. Clark abandons his post at the bar and meets Lois backstage. He warns Lois to get out of there, but Lois insists that she and Lex are friends. Suddenly they're ambushed by Toni, and Clark says that he found their leak: Lois Lane, reporter for the Daily Planet. Toni tells him to throw her out, which he does by slinging her over his shoulder and carrying her out of the club. He approaches two dumpsters and uses his x-ray vision to see what's in them. One has straw and other soft materials in it, while the other has rotten vegetables in it. So Clark tosses Lois into the dumpster full of rotten vegetables. Clark, I forgive you for the horrible disguise from earlier in the episode. This was the most badass thing you've ever done.


I'm sure that, some day, when they're in couples counseling,
Clark and Lois will look back on this and laugh.
Back at Clark's apartment, Lois storms in, still wearing the dress and presumably stinking like rotten tomatoes. She yells at him about blowing her cover, and Clark explains that at least now Toni won't be looking for a leak, and his cover is still safe, so la-di-frickin'-da, Lane, get over it. Before Lois can yell at him some more, there's a knock at the door. Clark sees with his x-ray vision that it's Toni, and he shoos Lois away, forcing her to hide behind a pillar in the apartment. Lois resists, and Clark accuses her of being jealous, which she denies.


I'm mostly showing you this because that pillar in Clark's
apartment looks just like Plastic Man in disguise.
Clark opens the door, and Toni enters with a bag of groceries, offering to cook Clark some homemade lasagna. According to Jennie, 'lasagna' is code for 'vagina'. Use your imagination, kids, it's totally true. Toni and Clark have some sexually-charged banter about each getting what they want, and Clark grabs Toni and kisses her, giving Lois a chance to make her exit. Lois gets home and scoffs at the idea that she is jealous of Toni. As she scarfs down ice cream from the container (just like a woman!), she realizes that she actually is jealous.


I know that women do this because I've seen it on Lifetime.
Just then, a knock comes at the door, and it's Lex Luthor, tux-clad and dashing as ever. His first words to her: "Let's do it." Apparently he's referring to the song she sang earlier, but we all know he really just wants to get on her. Lois invites Lex in and explains to him that she was undercover at the club and that she was fired. She asks Lex what he was doing at the club, and Lex explains that he was meeting with the new leader of the Metro Gang. They both have plans for the West River area, and Lex says that he doesn't trust Toni. He warns Lois to be careful, kisses her cheek, and leaves.

Back at Clark's place, he and Toni are on the balcony, having finished eating Toni's vagina lasagna. They talk about feelings and their families, and Toni says she wants to make the Metro Gang a legitimate organization, as long as they can get past The Toasters. Clark pledges to help her, but before they can get down to business time (you know what I'm sayin'), Toni says she has to leave because she has a prior engagement. She leaves Clark's apartment, and is followed by Lois, who emerges from the shadows. Toni makes her way to the West River district and sneaks into the building that was on fire at the beginning of the episode. There she meets up with The Toasters.


It's not DEVO, it's the Red Hot Chili Peppers!
Toni gives them $100,000, and berates them for botching the attempt on her brother's life. She tells them that she wants the toasters back, and I assume she's talking about the flame throwers and not about a bunch of household appliances that they borrowed from her. The gang refuses to give them back to her and instead takes her hostage. They tell her they're planning to set a string of fires leading from the wharf all the way to the Metro Club, and that she'll just have to wait until then to burn to death. Lois, having followed Toni and hidden herself inside the building, hears the whole thing.

She then proceeds to fall asleep, and is awoken by one of The Toasters trying to catch a rat. She takes this opportunity to leave and head to Clark's place. She tells Clark everything she heard the previous night, and Clarks turns on the TV to see that the wharf is already on fire. Lois runs out to head to the scene, and Clark takes off his glasses, instantly becoming Superman! He also takes off his shirt, presumably because he needs to put the rest of his costume on.


Burn it! Burn it good!
Down at the wharf, Devo The Red Hot Chili Peppers The Toasters are running amok! Superman arrives and makes a bad pun about people playing with fire. The Toasters attempt to burn Superman, but he uses his super-breath to freeze them in place. He makes several more puns about cooling people off and toasty jail cells, and just generally displays a complete lack of a sense of humor. He really needs to talk to Buffy Summers about how to properly pun.

Inside the burnt-out building, Lex Luthor finds Toni. Lex gloats about how he and Toni had a plan to reshape West River, but how Toni got careless and Lex made out like a bandit buying cheap, burnt-out real estate. As he's talking, he takes out a handkerchief and lays it on a chair so that he can sit down. He's so casually awesome that it makes my head explode. Toni threatens to reveal Lex's connection to The Toasters, but Lex scoffs, saying that no matter where she goes he has connections and that she'd better keep her mouth shut. He welcomes her to the world of big business, and leaves her tied up there. You're the man, Lex. Seriously, you're the best character on this show.

Superman flies over the area that is ablaze and uses...some sort of powers to make it rain. I'm not sure what he does, honestly. He blows some clouds around, and it starts to storm. He's Superman, just go with it. Back at the abandoned building, Clark enters and unties Toni, telling her that she let him down. She explains that she had to take control of the Metro Gang somehow, and Clark explains that he's a reporter for the Daily Planet and not Charlie King, hired goon. Toni asks what happens now as sirens approach. If this had been any other show, she would have shot herself in the head rather than go to jail, but Toni just shrugs and accepts her fate.

Back at LexCorp, Lex is celebrating his victory with a cigar. Lex Luthor, you magnificent bastard. Even when you lose, you win!


He also celebrates by talking on his Zach Morris phone.
Back at the Planet, Clark and Lois are wrapping things up on their end. There are a bunch of sports metaphors thrown around about quarterbacks and receivers and the sexual tension is palpable between the two of them even though they're at each other's throats about who actually got the story, and eventually they agree to drop the metaphors thank you baby Jesus because it was annoying. Clark smiles smugly and asks Lois again if she was at all jealous of he and Toni Taylor (her last name was Taylor! Good to know, here at the end of the episode). Lois again scoffs, saying that he just wishes it were true. The two smile longingly at each other, and they should just kiss already because they're clearly in love with each other. THE END.


TOP SHIP.
REVIEW: This episode was extremely entertaining. Aside from the cookie cutter gangster characters, the main villainess was a fairly interesting character, and her plot with Lex Luthor just made it all the better. I'm a big fan of the idea that Lex Luthor is somehow involved in every criminal dealing in Metropolis, and I think that was used perfectly in this episode. The showdown between Superman and The Toasters lasted all of 30 seconds, so there wasn't very much super-powered action at all in this episode, but it was great to see Lois and Clark being journalists. Lois in particular hasn't really had a chance, in my opinion, to show why she's such a highly-respected reporter - she's mostly, up until this point, been portrayed as an impulsive, stubborn, hapless buffoon - and I really enjoyed her story in this episode (and not just because she wore skimpy outfits throughout, though that certainly didn't hurt). Plus we get the beginnings of Lois having feelings for Clark, which is definitely a big milestone, as well as some foundation being laid for the Clark/Lois/Lex love triangle, which is great because anything that features Lex prominently is enjoyable. Man, this episode was enjoyable. Bring on more like this.

The X-Files: Deep Throat

Netflix synopsis: Mulder and Scully investigate the mysterious case of a military test pilot who disappeared after experiencing strange psychotic behavior.

It's been years and years since I've seen this episode and this is what I remember: Crazy pilots getting kidnapped, a crazy pilot pulls out his hair and makes fishing lures? Seth Green. Introduction of Deep Throat, Mulder's first informant. Lots of running from helicopters. Um...

NEAR ELLENS AIR BASE,
SOUTHWEST IDAHO

A SWAT team storms a normal suburban house in a normal suburban neighborhood. A woman crosses the police line, demanding to be let through. Her name is Mrs. Budahas and it's her house they're breaking into, thank you very much. The SWAT guy in charge tells her that they're looking for her husband, Colonel Budahas, because he did something bad with some military secrets, which is a no-no.

They break down the door and storm like a SWAT team does. Mrs. Budahas is losing her shit. They find her husband inside and see him before we do. The scared dude who finds him says Budahas is going to need a doctor. Cut to...Colonel Budahas, covered in a gross rash or burns or something. And he's in his underwear. That has to be embarrassing.

Is every episode gonna start with a weird skin thing?

Credits! First time ever! This is Mark Snow's first episode, he of the spooky music-making.

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Scully is at a bar, wearing her glasses and working on something instead of getting drunk like a normal person. You guys, Scully is such a loser sometimes. Mulder comes from behind (heh) and gets all up in her business. He offers to buy her a drink and she's all judgy because it's 2 PM. Whatever, Scully, it's five o'clock somewhere. They get a table because Mulder wants to show her something he couldn't show her at work. Heeheehee.

You're coming on a little strong, Mulder.

It's not his penis, though (bummer). He wanted to show her a file about Colonel Budahas. The Colonel's been hospitalized since we last saw him, but no one will say for what, even though Mulder has I'M SURE been asking in the nicest way possible. Mrs. Budahas hasn't seen her husband in four months and instead of being happy that she gets the whole bed to herself, she reports it to the FBI as a kidnapping.

Mulder tells Scully that six pilots have been reported missing from Ellens Air Base since 1963. He's pissed (as usual) because this case has been shelved for no reason, even though a dude is totally missing. So. They're going to Idaho. Whoo. Hoo. Scully wonders why he wants to investigate when there's nothing paranormal going on. Oh, Scully. Just wait.

Mulder goes to the bathroom, which hardly ever happens on TV shows. This is relevant, I swear. After he washes his hands (whew), he leans down to splash water on his face. When he looks up, there is a man standing behind him, the same man who gave Mulder and Scully the hairy eyeball when they were walking through the bar earlier. This man is Jerry Hardin. You might recognize him from such films as The Firm or, like, a buttload of TV shows. Or you might recognize him because he's Deep Throat on The X-Files, bitches! That's kind of a spoiler because no one calls him Deep Throat in this episode, but I didn't want to keep calling him "that guy" this whole recap.

Deep Throat tells Mulder to leave this case alone. He wants to help Mulder and has an interest in Mulder's work (that makes at least two people) but he won't tell Mulder who he is or who he works for. Deep Throat cautions Mulder that he's exposing himself and Agent Scully to risks, which seems reasonable, but we know Mulder never listens to reason so this is really the wrong tack to take with him. Deep Throat says some more cryptic-y things and leaves the restroom. Mulder rushes after him and looks frantically around the bar, but Deep Throat has disappeared.

Creepy.

F.B.I. HEADQUARTERSMARRIETTE FIELD
SOUTHWEST IDAHO

A plane lands. Mulder and Scully knock on someone's door. Mrs. Budahas answers and they introduce themselves. She invites them in and probably gives them some lemonade and cookies because she seems pretty nice. They all sit and Mrs. Budahas tells them that she first noticed her husband was acting weird about two years ago. He got a rash that they attributed to some paint at the time, but then his personality changed. One night, at a dinner party, he sprinkled fish food on his plate but I think maybe he was trying to be funny and he's just not very good at it. Then he started yelling at the kids for no reason and having seizures, which I guess is more cause for concern than the fish food thing.

She gets upset and says she wants her husband back. Scully says the government is not above the law but I think we all know that's not true, amirite? ZING! Mrs. Budahas worries that he's dead. Mulder gets impatient and sighs heavily, like he is totally bored. Don't be a dick, Mulder. He asks if this has happened to anyone else and Mrs. Budahas says it happened to Verna McClannen's husband, too.

So. They all take a trip to Verna McClannen's house and watch her husband pull hair out of his head and use the strands to tie flies to fishing lures. Sounds like a good time. Verna doesn't think he's being all that weird, he's just suffering from all the stress of being a test pilot. The fly fishing has been good for him, anyway, so they should just take off their judgy pants and get the eff out. She whisper-yells at Mrs. Budahas for bringing the FBI to her house.

What happens when he runs out of hair?

Mrs. Budahas gives Scully some numbers to call, saying that she's called them already but never gets any answers.

Mulder and Scully leave, and Mulder asks what Scully thought of Uncle Fester (nice, Mulder). She's all, "I will answer your question with science," and then she answers his question with science. DUH. Mulder doesn't think it's a good enough explanation because these are test pilots, not zoo animals (it makes sense, I swear). Scully asks if he's heard of the Aurora Project and of course he has. I haven't, though. Apparently it was an unacknowledged code name for supersecret surveillance planes. Scully posits that Colonel Budahas was one of the test pilots and washed out of the program. Mulder doesn't buy it.

They go back to the hotel. Mulder's cell phone is huge and hilarious.

That's the biggest thing I've ever seen THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID

No one will meet with them, probably because Mulder's already bugged them a million times. Scully says someone named Colonel Kissell will meet with them...a week from Friday. They're not hanging around that long, though, I guess because the FBI won't pay for their Ford Taurus rental for that long. They stalk Colonel Kissell by looking him up in the phone book. Remember phone books? Colonel Kissell won't talk to them and runs into his house after telling them to get the hell out of his yard. He's like Mr. Wilson and Mulder and Scully are like Dennis the Menace.

As they stand on his porch, a man, Paul Mossinger, walks up the driveway to introduce himself. He's a local journalist and has heard that Mulder and Scully are looking into the Budahas disappearance. He's surprised to see them, honestly, because he sees more UFO nuts than FBI agents out there. He asks if they're getting anywhere in the case but Mulder No Comments and starts to get in the car. Mulder stops, though, and asks if Paul has ever seen a UFO. Paul says no and that it's all "hooey" anyway and you can tell Scully wants to jump his bones. Mulder asks where he can talk to a UFO nut. They go to a restaurant called The Flying Saucer.

I want to go to there.

They sit at the counter and eat lunch. Mmm, lunch. There are photos of UFOs along the wall and Mulder asks the waitress behind the counter about them. I shall call her Alice. Alice says she took one of the UFO pictures herself, and offers to sell them one. Mulder says to put it on his tab and Scully calls him a sucker. It's cute. Then Mulder asks how he might see a UFO and Scully leaves in a huff and it's not so cute.

Scully's outside looking at a giant map when Mulder comes out of the diner, and she tells him that Ellens Air Base isn't on it. Mulder knows and doesn't really care because Alice drew him his own map.

This is way better than Clark's map.

OUTSIDE ELLENS AIR BASE
6:04 P.M.

Mulder and Scully drive along a barbwire fence. Mulder stops the car and gets some binoculars out of the trunk. Scully is pissed that he's dragging her on a UFO hunt and snipes that this'll look REAL good on her field report. Low blow, Scully. Mulder isn't listening, though, he's climbing a hill with his binoculars.

When the night falls (my lonely heart calls), we see that Scully is sleeping in the car because she's not here to stakeout aliens, dammit. There's a loud noise and she screams as the rear windshield shatters. Mulder throws her door open, says she's gotta see something (again?) and pulls her out of the car.

9:13 P.M.

They stand on a hill overlooking the fenced-in air base and stare as two bright lights fly around the sky. They can't figure out what they are. Scully says they can't be air craft because aircraft can't move like that, so she says they must be lasers. Sure, Scully. They're lasers.

Whatever, it's just Mr. Weasley's flying car.

The lights disappear into the clouds and there's a huge burst of light. Scully OMGs because what kind of lasers do that? As they watch, another light approaches but RUH ROH, this time it's a helicopter. Two teenagers emerge from a hole in the fence. Mulder yells at them but they run away because, well, a guy in a suit is yelling at them while they sneak out of a military base. Mulder and Scully catch them, of course, because part of FBI training is being able to outrun teenagers. It turns out that the teenagers are a long-haired Seth Green and his girlfriend, Zoe. The helicopter catches up to them FINALLY (I guess Mulder and Scully can outrun helicopters as well as teenagers) but don't worry, they hide behind a tree. They all sigh with relief when it flies away and Seth Green says, "that was extreme." Oh, Seth. You're better than that.

5:02 A.M.

They go to a diner and the teenagers stuff their faces because they are obviously high. Scully asks what they were doing out there in secret-militaryland and they giggle. They explain that they sneak in to see the light show and listen to "tunes." Mulder asks if they've ever been chased out before but they haven't. Seth tells them about a place called the yellow base where they're supposed to store all of their secret UFO crap and you know Mulder is already trying to figure out how to break in. Seth says the yellow base is protected by land mines so they've never tried to make it there.

Some dude is watching from outside the diner in his car, talking conspiratorially into a walkie-talkie. That's never good.

Back in the diner, Seth is demonstrating how the UFOs fly with his hamburger.

Willow never would have dated this guy.

Mulder and Scully are totally getting a kick out of these kids. Mulder shows Seth the UFO picture he bought from Alice at The Flying Saucer.

"Do they look anything like this?" Mulder asks, hope shining out of his eyes like...a hope light.

"No," says Seth and Mulder's face falls. "They look exactly like that." Mulder's happy again. It must be hard to be Mulder.

They drop the kids off at some house. Mulder pulls Seth's scooter out of the trunk and hands it off to Seth. Mulder then says "laaaaater, duuuuude" and I'm so embarrassed for him that I bury my face in my hands. He gets back in the car, puts a tape in the car's tape player and starts rocking out. Scully is annoyed (standard) and turns it off. Mulder's all, "kids today, eh?" and it's adorable. I forgive him for saying "later, dude."

Scully accuses him of believing it all and he's like, "of course I believe it all, have you met me?" She laughs because those kids were obviously stoned and Mulder is obviously dumb. Mulder wants to show her something AGAIN. Mulder, just whip it out already. Anyway, he shows her a photo of the UFO from Roswell (it looks like Alice's UFO picture) and she is ready to scoff. But! Mulder explains that Ellens Air Base is rumored to be one of the sites that the Roswell UFO was shipped to. He thinks the pilots are flying planes built using UFO technology. Scully pokes holes all over his theory even though it totally makes sense. Just because Scully can't explain the lights, doesn't mean she thinks they're UFOs. Yep. That's Scully in a nutshell.

Later, Scully runs into Mulder's hotel room, all excited. Here's your chance, Mulder! But no, she just wants to tell him that Colonel Budahas is home.

They drive to the House of Budahas. Mrs. Budahas answers the door crying. She invites them in and takes them to see her husband, who is just sitting in a chair playing with a model airplane. Aww, that's adorable. Mrs. Budahas claims that he's not her husband. Colonel Budahas looks up from his plane, all confused, and asks who Mulder and Scully are.

Mulder introduces himself and tells him why they're there. He asks where he's been. Budahas says he's been in the hospital. Mulder asks Budahas some simple questions, like his DOB, the names of his kids, and he answers them easily. Still, Mrs. Budahas insists that he's not her husband.

Mulder asks him a pilot question about flying that I don't understand, and apparently Budahas doesn't either because he can't answer it. That's kind of weird, him being a pilot and all. He says he can't remember and is freaked, but when he tries to go to his wife for comfort, she runs away from him. Ouch.

Mulder and Scully leave and Mulder says that someone rewired Colonel Budahas's brain. Scully doesn't believe it OF COURSE and thinks it's just amnesia. Scully says the technology to do what Mulder is suggesting doesn't exist. She also wonders why they would do it, even if they could.

They drive and discuss Colonel Budahas some more. Mulder thinks that humans can't handle flying the planes built with UFO technology, because the human body wasn't made for it. Makes sense. Scully laughs derisively and stops arguing, like she is just DONE having this conversation. Two cars approach from the opposite direction and force them to stop their car. A bunch of dudes in suits and sunglasses get out of the cars and ask them to get out of their car. Men in black, you guys!

Tell me something...do I make this look good?

They manhandle Mulder and Scully a bit, even though they play the FBI card. They don't care about their stinking badges. The MIB take all of their evidence (aww, again?) and destroy the roll of film in Mulder's camera. They cannot catch a break. Mulder asks what's going on, which is a fair question, and gets punched in the kidney. One of the MIB tells them to GTFO of town. So they go back to the hotel, presumably to pack and GTFO of town.

Scully asks who those guys were. Mulder supposes that they weren't chasing Seth and Zoe away from the base the other night, they were chasing them. Mulder admits to Scully that there's something he didn't tell her. "Something else?" she asks, all sarcastic and tired. Oh, Scully. Never change. He tells her about the man, Deep Throat, who approached him in DC and that he thinks his phone was being tapped. Scully wonders why they would bother doing that and she has a point, because (we don't know this yet but) Mulder spends most of his time calling phone sex lines.

In any case, Mulder thinks there's a conspiracy which...NO WAY. He thinks that they'll do anything to protect their secret and their secret is that they have like a billion UFOs all over that base. Mulder says that if that's true, it's basically confirmation of the existence of alien life. Scully thinks it's just a plane that the government is testing, not a UFO, and that they should back off. The kidnap victim they were investigating is back, so she says they should leave. Mulder thinks it over for .5 seconds, says he's going to shower and pack, and then they'll leave. That was... way too easy.

He leaves the room and almost immediately, Scully hears a car start. She runs outside to see Mulder driving away, all General Lee style. He's such a dumbass sometimes.

YEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAW!

Seth and Zoe show Mulder where to sneak into the base, but they won't go in with him because they've never gone in during the day before. Mulder asks how to get to the yellow base but they tell him not to go because it's too dangerous. I'm sure he will listen to reason.

Zoe tells Mulder not to go beyond the tall weeds, so of course he goes beyond the tall weeds. And waits. It gets dark. He walks out onto a runway and stands there all dumbfounded as what looks like a UFO hovers over him.

Samantha?

Mulder probably hopes that he'll get abducted so he won't have to deal Scully later because she is going to be piiiiissed. He doesn't get abducted by aliens, unfortunately, but some military guys do strap him down to a gurney and throw him in the back of one of their vehicles.

Mulder's completely restrained and they inject him with something. I would feel sorry for him but this is his own fault.

6:30 A.M.

Scully is trying to reach DC but having trouble getting an outside line. She tries to use the phone in the hotel lobby, but it's not working either. The guy at the desk blames it on the military base.

Back in Mulder's house of pain, he's being transported through an airplane hanger. He's drugged out of his mind but semi-conscious, so he sees a bit of what's going on. There are men working on ships like the one that hovered above him. It looks like a UFO but it's hard to tell because A) it's behind a plastic that's hanging everywhere and B) Mulder is totally high right now.

Scully walks across the parking lot in time to see Paul Mossinger coming out of her room. He makes an excuse, saying he was just looking for her, but she's suspicious and reaches for her gun. Unfortunately, she left it in her room. I don't think that's what they teach you in FBI school. She hears walkie-talkie noises coming from Paul's car. They eye each other and she makes a break for his car. She locks herself inside and finds a gun and security badge from the base hidden in his glove compartment, so she does the only logical thing and takes him hostage.

Seth and Zoe pull up on their scooter as Scully holds the gun on Paul Mossinger. She finds out from them that they took Mulder to the base and he snuck inside. Scully yells at Paul to get on his walkie talkie and find Mulder, now DAMMIT. She's so badass, you guys. I'd much rather have Scully on my side in a life-or-death situation than Mulder...sure she's teeny, but she's feisty and logical. Plus, Mulder drops his gun all the time. You'll see.

Meanwhile, Mulder is lying, restrained, under a bright light and some dude is messing with his eyes. No! Stop it, that freaks me out. They don't care that I'm freaked out, though, and put some weird eye drops in his eyes.

Scully is in the car with Paul, gun trained on him as he drives her to Mulder. He touches his eye like it hurts...did Scully hit him? Awesome. He says there are other ways to go about this, probably ways that don't involve him getting pistol-whipped by a dimutive redhead, but Scully's not having it. He stops the car in front of the gate leading into the base. Scully orders him to start the car again and to keep his hands on the wheel. You can tell she's nervous but she's keeping it together because she's Scully and she's badass.

A Jeep drives out of the base and stops in front of them. Mulder gets out and walks shakily toward Scully's car. Scully orders Paul out of the car and tells Mulder to get in. Mulder stares at her, all dazed and confused, but finally stumbles his way to the car. Paul walks to the Jeep and, as he passes Mulder, he says that Mulder and Scully have acted inappropriately. Mulder is so high that he doesn't understand English right now so he just turns away and gets in Scully's car.

Laaaater, duuuuude.

Scully gets in the car and quickly drives away. This is so unrealistic. That Paul guy was Mulder's height and Scully's my height (read: short) and she didn't adjust the seat at all before she drove away. I call shenanigans! Anyway, once they're a safe distance from the bad guys, Scully asks if Mulder is OK. He says he thinks so but he doesn't remember how he got there. I hope they didn't break his brain but at least his pretty face is OK.

They stop at the Budahas house because they definitely have time for that. Mrs. Budahas answers the door, they ask how Colonel Budahas is doing, and she says he's fine. She's clearly trying to get rid of them as quickly as possible. Colonel Budahas snaps from inside, "who is it now?" and she speedy quick gets rid of them by basically shutting the door in their faces.

Mulder says "they" got to her. Scully doesn't care anymore and is all, "THAT'S ENOUGH, MULDER." She says they don't know anything more than when they got there. And that's what she's gonna write in her field report. She walks away. Yeah, it's weird.

FBI HEADQUARTERS
WASHINGTON, D.C.
ONE WEEK LATER

Scully is typing her report and voiceovering for our benefit. She says Colonel Budahas is home and doesn't remember shit. She makes it sound nicer than that in her reoprt, though. She writes that Mulder thinks Budahas was flying aircraft built using UFO technology, but Scully says it's inconclusive. She CAN, however, corroborate his account of two unidentified flying objects. CASE CLOSED. Yeah, right.

She leans back, looks at Mulder's UFO picture, and...that's it. This voiceover at the end was added because Fox (the network, not the Mulder) wanted more closure for the episode, thinking the average viewer was too stupid to understand it otherwise. They...may have been right. I don't know. In any case, this show ends up using the report-voiceover technique a whole lot, which is fine, but it's super boring to recap.

While Scully's working, Mulder is running because I guess he doesn't have to write reports yet. Maybe that changes when Skinner starts YOU GUYS WHERE IS SKINNER? Anyway, he needs to stay in shape for the next time he sneaks onto an air base so I guess running is a better use of his time.

So...wanna race?

Deep Throat approaches and says their lives may be in danger because they've seen things they weren't supposed to. Oh, just you wait, Mister. Deep Throat says he can provide Mulder with information as long as it's in his best interest, which is vague and annoying. Mulder says he saw something but they erased it from his brain. Mulder asks what it was. Deep Throat doesn't really answer, though, and they have this exchange:

Deep Throat: Mister Mulder, why are those like yourself, who believe in the existence of extraterrestrial life on Earth, not entirely dissuaded by all the evidence to the contrary?
Mulder: Because, all the evidence to the contrary is not entirely dissuasive.
Deep Throat: Precisely.
Mulder: They're here, aren't they?
Deep Throat: Agent Mulder, they've been here for a long, long time.

Which leads me to...

Favorite quotes:

Scully: You believe it all, don't you?
Mulder: Why wouldn't I?
Scully: Mulder, did you see their eyes? If I were that stoned -
Mulder: Oooh...if you were that stoned, what?

Mulder: Tell me I'm crazy.
Scully: Mulder...you're crazy.

Man in Black: Please step out of the car.
Mulder: (to Scully) Do you think if we ignore them they'll go away?
Man in Black: Please step out of the car.
Mulder: Guess not.

Lois & Clark Episode 5: Requiem for a Superhero

Netflix synopsis: When Lois discovers that her father, Dr. Sam Lane, is helping a corrupt boxing promoter create an army of cybernetic athletes, Superman steps into the boxing ring to defeat the killer robots.

Killer robots. KILLER ROBOTS.

Clark finds a baseball glove and bat on some bleachers. He starts playing baseball with himself, which sounds dirty but it isn't. This seems like a gross abuse of his powers, though, it being broad daylight and all, but I like it because it's exactly the sort of thing I'd do if I had superpowers. No one notices him floating in midair, which is lucky.

Wait...did I win or lose?

Over at The Daily Planet, Perry is mad because one of his poker buddies is flaking on that night's poker game. He asks Clark to join and it's worth noting that Clark's hair is far less mullety than it was earlier in the season. Perry basically bullies him into joining and is pretty excited when Clark says he was never good at poker.

Later that night, Clark, Lois, Jimmy, and some no-names are playing poker with Perry. He's wearing an Elvis jacket. It's ugly. Lois is wearing a stupid hat. Stacy and Clinton would have a field day with this crew.

P-p-p-poker face, p-p poker face.

They show Clark's hand and if I knew how to play poker at all, I'd probably know whether it was good or not. I don't know how to play poker, though, so I guess I'll have to wait and see. The suspense, it's killing me. I don't think Clark really knows whether it's a good hand, either.

Jimmy says Superman would be a great poker player and Perry tells him to shut up. I guess all that standing up for himself that Jimmy did a couple of episodes ago didn't really stick. They all argue about whether or not Superman would use his X-ray vision to cheat. Clark almost does, but at the last minute he folds instead of cheating. What a stand up guy. I would totally cheat but that's probably just another reason it's good that I don't have superpowers.

The next day, Perry tells Lois that she and Clark are going to be partners. She bitches and moans but Perry's not hearing it.

"Howdy, Partner," Clark greets her. Ugh, what a dork.

Perry assigns them a boxing story. Lois is mad because she's too good to report sports and boxing is boooooooring. She didn't say that, I said that. Lois asks if this assignment has anything to do with her "connections." Her father, apparently, is part of the boxing world but we already knew that from the Netflix synopsis because Netflix doesn't believe in NO SPOILERS.

They go to the Menken Gym. Clark tries to impress Lois with his boxing knowledge, but she shuts him down because she's like the Rainman of boxing information or something. Anyway, in the course of their verbal sparring (see what I did there?), it's revealed that her father is Dr. Sam Lane WHICH WE ALREADY KNEW. He does reconstructive surgery on injured athletes, which explains why he's so good at building killer robots OH WAIT sorry, spoilers.

Lois yells a question to one of the fighters, who gets pissed at her and orders her out of the gym. NO GIRLS ALLOWED. That guy's got some sand in his vagina. Some old guy named Allie runs out, tells them to ignore the angry fighter, calls Lois "pumpkin" and gives her one of those spin-around hugs you always see on TV but hardly ever in real life. Lois and Clark try to convince Allie to let them talk to the fighters who'll be fighting in the big match (I don't know) on Saturday but he's hesitant. Actually, he looks like he's about to poop his pants, but I didn't want to be crass.

Sandy Vagina throws a towel at Clark and says he'll talk to them if Clark gets in the ring. Yeah, that's a great idea. Clark climbs into the ring and the roid-case starts throwing punches. Clark is like Mr. Miyagi and doesn't want to abuse his power, so he doesn't hit back. Sandy calls Clark "princess" and taunts him a whole bunch until finally Clark pushes him. Even Superman can't control himself when someone implies that he's a girl. Sigh. Someone stops the fight before it escalates any further, but not before I get wicked bored.

The guy who stopped the fight is Max Menken. They don't tell you that yet, but I'm telling you now because I don't feel like making up a nickname for him. He says that the winner of Saturday's bout is going to fight Superman, which seems to be news to Clark. This is weird...they're advertising that one of the fighters will fight Superman without notifying Superman? Superman needs an agent.

Lois and Clark leave because they are as bored as I am and they run into Lois's dad, Dr. Sam Lane, outside the gym. Lois is definitely not happy to see Daddy Dearest. Lois wants Sam to get them access to the fighters but he says he can't help. He asks Lois if they can have dinner soon and she's noncommittal. Daddy issues.

Lex is on the phone at his house, talking to Max Menken and throwing darts at something off screen. He's blah blah blahing about how much money he has and how fast he makes money and he asks if Max sees his point. Max doesn't. I don't, either, for the record. I think he just likes to call people and threaten them for no raisin. Oh, and he's throwing darts at a cardboard cutout of Superman. You might be wondering where he got a cardboard cutout of Superman. My guess is it's left over from the last episode. Also, he's Lex Luthor, you think he can't get a cardboard cutout of Superman?

Lois has one of these at home, too.

Lois and Clark are at The Daily Planet, working for once. Lois wonders why Clark is still there and Clark says he's working. Pay attention, Lois, I just said that. Lois thinks he's still there because he's waiting for her to open up to him about her daddy troubles because IT'S ALL ABOUT HER. She insists that she doesn't want to talk about her father, so of course she then starts complaining about him and how he was too hard on her, he was never home, he only criticized her, you know, the usual. I think we're supposed to feel sorry for her, but I don't really care.

Allie calls and tells Lois he needs to talk to her. Lois wants to go alone because Allie will be more comfortable talking to someone he knows. Clark doesn't even try to argue and Lois says he surprises her sometimes. I think he just needs some "me" time, if you know what I'm saying and I think you do.

Lois goes to meet Allie, but he's hit by a truck as he crosses the street to see her. I guess he's dead? Lois doesn't try to get help or anything, she just stares sadly down at him and quietly says his name. Call 911, Lois, even if he looks dead. Or do CPR. This is TV, where CPR magically brings people back to life even after they've been hanging from a tree for who knows how long YES I'M TALKING TO YOU, LOST. [link warning: SAD LOST MUSIC AHOY] That is my least favorite TV trope and that's the most egregious example I can think of because Charlie was HANGING FROM A TREE and Jack just freaking BEATS ON HIS CHEST and then he's back, all better. Although, I was really happy at the time that Charlie didn't die. But anyway. Right, Lois and Clark.

Lex is on the phone again, being informed that Allie is dead. He hangs up the phone, crosses his arms, and starts talking to someone. He says it's an embarrassment to have someone killed, because it reflects poorly on you, which is totally what I think EVERY TIME I have to have someone killed. Having people killed is such a hassle and it makes him sad, not because the person is dead, but because it feels like he's let himself down somehow. YOU GUYS. He's not talking to anyone. There's no one else in the room. He's talking to himself...IN A MIRROR. Marry me, Lex Luthor.

Who is this handsome fellow?

Lois is back in the office, sadly teabagging some...tea. She's sad face about Allie and we learn that the police are saying he was killed by a drunk driver. Lois insists that it wasn't an accident because he sounded like he was in trouble. Perry asks if her father can help.

She goes to see her father at the gym. He's sitting by himself, gazing at a picture of Allie. You think they had a torrid love affair? I'm going to assume that they did. Lois and Sam reminisce and Lois says she thinks Allie was murdered. Sam is concerned and wonders if the driver saw her. He tells her to stay away from the story. Lois says she can't because she has a duty as a reporter, this is her story, and she's stubborn as shit. Lois asks if he can help her and he says he can't. This quickly turns into a fight about their relationship. "You were hardly a father at all!" Lois shouts. Ouch. She asks again about the murder, he says he knows nothing, and she leaves sadly. This is all very Jack/Sydney Bristow.

Ooh, breaking and entering! Clark and Lois are breaking into Sam's office because Lois says he's hiding something. They go on weird dates. Anyway, she's picking a lock (she saw Jimmy do it once, so she's totally good at it) but having no luck. Clark gets tired of waiting and just rips the doorknob off without her noticing and she thinks her lock-picking skills opened the door. Aww, that's so sweet.

They pull a shitload of files and pile them on a nearby table. How long are they planning on spending there? Maybe they should be a bit quicker. They find files about how all of the fighters "made mincemeat" out of their opponents.

Clark explores a bit and uses his X-ray vision to find a hidden room behind a bookcase. He tells Lois he found it because his uncle has the same secret room in his den. Yeah, cause that's a normal thing to have. If you're a pedophile. Or Batman. In any case, Lois and Clark go in and investigate because that's what they do.

There are a bunch of weird robot skeleton things all over. They kind of look like Giant Jesus after he burned down. Clark hears something with his superhearing and goes to take a look, shutting Lois in the secret room. It's Max and Sandy Vagina! Sandy Vagina is bragging about how he could beat Superman in a fight. Clark creates an earthquake by running in place really fast, which seems like it'd be a really beneficial ability. I would use it at work all the time, just so I could go home early.

RIP

Max and Sandy leave and Clark lets Lois out of the secret room. I'd have left her in there.

Back at The Daily Planet, Jimmy is looking at the pictures Lois and Clark took at her father's office. Lois says it would be the lead story if it weren't for the earthquake and Jimmy is like, "there was no earthquake," and then makes a sex joke that is not only really obvious, but also not funny. This scene is completely pointless.

Lois works on her story and Clark asks her if she really wants to do this, since she'll be implicating her father and possibly putting him in danger.

She thinks it over and decides Clark is right, then writes Allie's death up as a normal hit and run. Perry questions her about her change of heart and is pissed that she ruined his awesome story. Clark is supportive because that's what a partner does, and Lois gives him a look like, "oh, so this is what friendship is like."

Back at the gym, Sam is fixing up one of the boxers, but with bandages, not with robot arms. Lois confronts him about the robot surgeries. She wants to know what's going on and tells him she didn't write the story. He says she should have written it and they fight some more about what a horrible father/daughter he/she is. As much as it pains me, I have to side with Lois here, because she was trying to keep her dad safe AND he's the one who told her not to write the story in the first place. Maybe he forgot about that, though. He should give himself a robot brain.

Anyway, apparently Sam started making robot parts to give to handicapped people. He was doing it for THE GOOD OF MANKIND, YOU GUYS. STOP JUDGING HIM. I don't know how the robot parts magically ended up inside of boxers. Psychic surgery?

Perry assigns Lois to cover an auto show. He says he's giving the auto show story to her to boost her confidence but you know she's being punished because Perry is a total dick. Clark is being punished, too, and is assigned a story about the police academy graduation. Also, they're not partners anymore. Lois says Clark's probably glad and he's all, no, I love you, PLEASE HANG OUT WITH ME. I mean, the guy is playing baseball BY HIMSELF, so I think he could use some friends.

Menken is meeting with Lex, DUN DUN DUUUUN. Menken is going on and on about how his fighters are the best fighters of all the fighters. Lex is forced to totally school him, which is awesome. The five fighters they created are only the beginning, he says. Those men will lead to an invulnerable army, hundreds of supermen, all under Lex's control. That seems like a great idea, I really hope this happens.

Menken goes to Sam and says he needs to make the fighters stronger. Sam doesn't want to because he'd basically be creating terminators and he can't do that because he doesn't work for Skynet. Sam wants out and Menken says he has to stay until the end of his lifetime contract. I think a good lawyer could get him out of that, though, because he definitely never signed anything. Menken threatens to kill Sam some more so Sam goes to Lois.

It turns out that Sam was recording Menken's threats. He gives them to Lois and tells Lois to write her story. He walks away, smiling, and Lois runs after him and calls him Daddy, but not in a dirty way. They have a moment and when Lois and Clark walk away, Clark puts a hand on her shoulder. When I was 11, I thought this meant they were MFEO.

This is first base, right?

Perry asks Lois for her piece on the auto show and she says she didn't write it. He gets pissed until he sees she wrote the story about the fighters and their robot junk. So, instead of getting yelled at, Perry praises her for pulling his leg and writing the good story behind his back.

They're going to run the story ASAP so Perry yells at everyone to, like, get it done already. He screams for a while and then says Lane and Clark are the greatest writing team since Woodward and Bernstein. Why isn't anyone calling 911 when Perry has so clearly had a stroke? Instead, everyone cheers.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! It's almost time for the big fight and literally TENS of people have come out to watch it. Lex is at home, I think, reading a newspaper. The headline is hilarious.

This makes me so RoboAngry!

I thought he'd be really pissed but he has a plan. He doesn't really care that the robofighter (heh) thing was exposed, he just doesn't want it to get back to him. He tells Menken to do him a favor, though, and get rid of Dr. Lane. Menken says Dr. Lane has disappeared (good idea) so Lex suggests using Lois as a way to get to him. Lois hasn't been in danger yet this episode, so I guess it's about time.

The fighters are in the locker room getting ready. Sandy Vagina punches a hole in the wall and says he's going to kill Superman. Do the robot parts make them extra aggressive or is this guy just an asshole?

The announcer says that the main fight (which I think is Superman vs. Sandy Vagina but I honestly have no idea) is canceled and everyone goes CRAZY. Especially the fighters. Sandy Vagina jumps into the ring and talks a bunch of smack. He wants to fight Superman! AHHHHHHH! HULK SMASH!

Lex shows up at The Daily Planet and runs into Lois and Clark. He tells Lois that he respects Dr. Lane and wants to help him, and Lois gets all googly eyed. She's so easy, you guys.

Menken comes in and interrupts this touching moment. He has a gun! Oh no! He takes Lois hostage because it wouldn't be an episode of Lois and Clark if Lois didn't need saving. Superman finds Menken and Lois in some alley and it looks like all will be well, until two robot fighters start beating the shit out of him. This doesn't last long, though, because he wraps them up in a fence. Yep. A fence. A little guy comes out to fight him and Superman stares him down until he scampers away.

Bish plz.

Meanwhile, Menken has run away, dragging Lois behind him. Lex emerges from the shadows with a gun. He shoots Menken, saving Lois, and then Superman shows up, asking if everyone is OK. Lois totally ignores him and goes up to Lex, all, "How can I thank you, you mysterious black clad hunk of a night thing?" She is so fickle. Lex kisses her hand and makes a crack to Superman about how it was good that at least one of them could get there in time. OH NO HE DIDN'T.

Sandy Vagina is still yelling about Superman and says Superman's too scared to fight him. So Superman shows up and they fight. Yawn. Sandy hits Superman really hard and Superman fall down go boom. Superman gets up and lets the fighter hit him a bunch of times in the face. It, of course, doesn't phase him at all and Sandy is way confused, but really I think that's his default. Confusion and roid-rage. Superman acts like he's going to hit Sandy but stops just before making contact, and instead flicks him in the forehead. The fighter falls down and gets tangled in the ropes. It's actually pretty hilarious, at least until Superman makes a really bad joke about...hanging...because the guy is "hanging" in the ropes. Sigh. He needs to take some punning lessons from Buffy.

You've got something on your forehead OH WAIT IT'S MY SUPERFINGER.

Everyone cheers. Yay.

Lex is back at his house, pouring champagne into a margarita glass. He's so slick he doesn't even need to use the right glass. He's talking to someone that we can't see...Lois perhaps? But no, he's explaining why he screwed Menken over (and, um, killed him...don't forget about that, Lex), and how it was to impress Lois and make Superman look stupid. So. He's definitely not talking to Lois.

Oh, hey, there's an adorable dog in the room. Is he talking to the adorable dog?

Bark...bark?

He pours another glass of champagne. He sits down across from the dog, takes a sip of his drink, and gives the other glass to the dog. I'm not sure dogs are supposed to drink champagne but Lex Luthor does what he wants. At first I thought Lex was going to be talking to himself in the mirror again, but I think I like the fact that he was talking to the dog even better. Team Luthor.

At The Daily Planet, Perry is reading Lois's follow up to the story. He praises himself for making Lois and Clark such a great team. BUT. He then says they won't be partners all the time, only when the time is right. What? That makes no sense. Perry is the worst editor ever.

Clark pouts because Perry made fun of him for missing everything. Good thing Lex was there! Lois tells Clark not to worry about it because even Superman got there too late. Oh, ouch.

Who has sand in his vagina now?

Perry tells Clark there's another poker game that night, but Clark says he has other plans. Which are...beating the shit out of a punching bag. He punches it all the way across the room. Then he jump ropes really fast. Wheeeeee! I wonder if he can double dutch?

Review: This wasn't a terrible episode. Again, it had a lot of Lex in it, which makes everything better, especially when he's doing things like talking to himself in the mirror or having conversations with his dog. I feel sort of bad that I'm getting all the good Lex episodes and Joe's episodes are Lex-Lite. Sorry, Joe.

Also, I thought that Superman would be fighting a robot-robot, not a human with robot parts. That was disappointing. But Dean Cain made a lot of hilarious faces, so there's that. Two thumbs up!