Sunday, August 14, 2011

The X-Files: Jersey Devil

From what I remember, Mulder falls in love with a wild woman in this episode. That's...about all I remember.


Some family is driving along a deserted road, singing Bingo, which I didn't realize existed in 1947. They're having way too much fun but don't worry, soon they blow a tire so no more fun for them! The dad knocks his flashlight into the woods while he's changing the tire. He says "darnit," though, not FUDGE. Oh, man, he straight up gets dragged into the woods while his wife watches. Sorry, wife, he's probably dead.

The next day, some dogs and men scout the area but everyone knows that the dogs do all the work in this kind of situation. They find the dead dad, minus one leg, which was eaten off. Someone barfs and it wasn't me, I swear. They find someone, "as tall as a house," in a cave or something and because they're ascared, they all shoot it a million times with a million guns.



Hey guess what, it's time for Mulder to present a crazy case to Scully so she can shoot down all of his theories. Scully enters the office and finds Mulder reading a nudie magazine. At work. Sure.

The FBI's HR department is very lenient.

This time is different because Scully's presenting MULDER with a crazy case and that is that they found some dead guy in New Jersey missing his right arm and shoulder that were eaten off by a human which is gross, right? I've watched a lot of gross stuff on TV so now I have a hard time telling when stuff is gross to normal people.

Mulder has a file on a similar case, The Jersey Devil, which is what murdered the dad earlier. You know, the "beast-man" who they shot in the cave earlier in the episode. Remember? It was like five minutes ago. Anyway, Scully says it's a myth, Mulder says he believes it, blah blah blah LET'S INVESTIGATE!

They go to Atlantic City. Whee! Gambling and salt water taffy! But no, they go to the morgue instead, which is an interesting choice. The autopsy lady tells them the guy was drunk when he was eaten. Do you think that if you eat a drunk person while they're still alive, you get drunk? Or, like, if a vampire drinks the blood of a drunk person, do they then get drunk? It's an important question, think about it and get back to me.

A Detective Thompson comes in and is a total dick for no reason. Oh, wait, jurisdiction. YAWN. What a boring reason to be a dick.

Mulder decides to stay in Atlantic City but Scully has to get back for her godson's birthday party. Mulder calls the Parks Department but unfortunately he's in New Jersey and not Pawnee, so he doesn't get to hang out with Leslie Knope. The guy he gets stuck with has a mustache but it's not as glorious as Ron Swanson's so we'll call this guy Non Swanson. Non Swanson brings up The Jersey Devil and totally believes in it so Mulder makes out with him. Then Mulder decides to walk back to town through the woods where people are being eaten alive.

And he was never seen or heard from again.

Meanwhile, at the lame-o birthday party, there are kids running around like wild animals (SYMBOLISM). Scully talks to her friend about motherhood and dating and WHATEVER, the only important thing about this scene is that we find out that Scully thinks Mulder is cute.

Later some kid's dad comes in and makes eyes at Scully. Ugh. I hate when the show tries to work in Scully's dating life (or lack thereof).


Mulder makes it back to town safely. Whew, I was worried. He gives a homeless guy some money for Jersey Devil information. The homeless guy gives him a drawing of some creature he's seen eating garbage in his alley. Mulder decides to spend the night in the alley because sure. 

Luckily, the one night Mulder decides to stake out the alley where the Jersey Devil has been sighted a few times is the exact night she shows up again! Oh, is that a spoiler? That it's a lady devil? Whatever, it doesn't matter. She rummages through the trash but runs away when she sees Mulder. He runs after her, but uh oh, then the cops show up and arrest Mulder because they think he's drunk.

Detective Thompson yells at Mulder at the station and Mulder insists that he's just seen the Jersey Devil. Detective Thompson insists that it doesn't exist which is totally Scully's job, GO AWAY DETECTIVE THOMPSON.


Mulder calls Scully from the drunk tank so she can bail him out. She takes him out to breakfast and he excitedly tells her about his run in with the Jersey Devil. They argue about it but who cares, really. We all know what's going to happen. Let's talk about how Scully has a date. Mulder asks if she can cancel and she's all, "Unlike you, Mulder, I'd like to have a life," which is way harsh, Tai.

I think she feels bad because she takes him to meet some professor (who has a ponytail so he must be a coooool professor) at the University of Maryland. It's pretty boring. Later, Mulder does some serious research. You can tell it's serious because he's wearing glasses. For whatever reason, part of this research involves is looking a drawing of Bigfoot with boobs.

Mulder has weird taste in porn.

Mulder gets a call from Non Swanson, who says he found a body who he thinks might be The Jersey Devil. Mulder gets so excited that he pees himself. Then he pages Scully (who is on her super boring date) to see if she'll bring him another pair of pants. And also to see if she'll go to New Jersey with him. But when they get to the morgue, someone has disappeared the body. STANDARD. 

Mulder, Scully, Non Swanson, and Professor Ponytail decide to trap the lady devil by shooting her with a tranquilizer gun. Nothing can go wrong with this plan! They roam around an abandoned factory, looking for clues. They're basically the Scooby Gang, minus a dog or a Buffy. Meanwhile, a SWAT team is outside the factory, looking all swatty and stuff.

Detective Thompson is there, too, looking for Mulder. Not sure why an entire SWAT team was necessary, I mean, this is a federal agent who is known for dropping his gun ALL THE TIME.

Mulder sees the lady devil so he of course jumps out a window and runs after her. Scully runs after him because she figures he'll need saving at some point. The Jersey Devil attacks Mulder because she either wants to kill him or mate with him, I'm not sure. I think Scully is familiar with that feeling. Scully finds them and scares the lady devil away. Mulder's all, "she was beautiful," but Scully doesn't care because Mulder's hurt LIKE ALWAYS.

Everyone ends up chasing The Jersey Devil into the woods. Detective Thompson wants to kill her but the Scoobies just want to tranq her and...I don't know, I don't think even they know what they're going to do after that.

Non Swanson DOES end up shooting her with his dart. Heh. BUT! She runs away and then the jerk police shoot her DEAD. Mulder and Detective Thompson have a tense confrontation but I'm too distracted by Scully's high waisted pants to pay attention.

I guess her mom jeans were dirty.


Mulder files some pictures of his dead girlfriend. Scully brings autopsy results of the male and female Jersey Devils. They decide that there were probably baby devils at some point. Mulder is all hyped up about the case and Scully asks if he'll just go out for a beer or take the day off or SOMETHING and he's all, "I can't, I have to go to the Smithsonian and bug someone about shit no one cares about." The phone rings and it's Scully's date from the other night, the human yawn. He asks her out again but she says NO because she'd rather hang out with Mulder.

Then the episode ends with this:

I smell a sequel!


kat said...

"I hate when the show tries to work in Scully's dating life (or lack thereof)."

TRUTH. everyone knows scully and mulder belong together so deal with it show.

Jennie said...

Seriously. Also, she's always going out with boring losers or guys who try to kill her.

Ashley said...

Ron Swanson was on Gilmore Girls hitting on Lorelai the other day (five years ago). It may have blown my mind.

Jennie said...

Did he have a glorious mustache?

Anonymous said...

Bingo has apparently been around since 1780.