The episode begins where the last one ended, with Rose running straight into the TARDIS. The Doctor asks if she wants to go to the past or to the future and here is where Rose and I differ: I would pick going to the past (because of dinosaurs) but she chooses to go to the future. They start by going 100 years into the future, then 10,000 (to the new Roman empire), but the Doctor says that's totally boring. Rose teases the Doctor all, "You think you're so impressive," and he's like, "I AM so impressive," which...yeah. He takes the bait, though, and sets the TARDIS for KICKASS.
They end up in what looks like a spa. But then big window appears and it turns out they are in the best spa ever, floating high above the Earth. IN SPACE. They're 5 billion years in the future, which is way more than 100 years (MATH). They watch the sun rise over the Earth and the Doctor welcomes Rose to the end of the world. Uh, downer. Nice view, though.
It turns out they're on some space station called Platform One that's orbiting the Earth. Everyone is there for the big Earth Death party. In the future, rich people watch planets burn up for funsies and the Earth is set to burn in half an hour. You know, this seems like an odd place to take Rose for the first time. That's her home and it's about to burn up in the sun. Anyway, the Doctor explains this all to Rose very matter-of-factly, and Rose wonders whether that's what the Doctor does...runs in and saves the Earth at the last minute. Which...yes, but not this time. He says the Earth's time is up, but not to worry, because all the people have left. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE DUCKS? WHAT OF THE POOR, BABY ANIMALS?!
Someone from the blue man group bursts into the room and demands to know who they are and what they're doing. The Doctor holds up a bit of paper and explains that they were invited. Rose is his plus one. Aww.
The blue man, who I'm going to call Tobius, is the steward. He totally buys the Doctor's explanation, even though the paper he showed Tobius was blank. Tobius leaves and the Doctor explains to Rose about psychic paper. Psychic paper is this paper you show people when you want to lie to them, and they believe whatever you tell them. If I had psychic paper, I would tell everyone it was money so they would give me free stuff. Anyway, Rose is more concerned with the fact that the guy they just lied to is blue. Oh, just you wait, Rose Tyler.
It's alien intro time! A bunch of weird looking aliens come in. They are weird looking and aliens. That's pretty much all you need to know.
Some tree people (two men and a lady) give the Doctor a gift and he's all, "here's a gift for you, air from my lungs," and then blows in the tree lady's face. She thinks it's hot, because maybe that's a weird mating ritual in the future? Or! It could be because the Doctor has minty fresh breath. Maybe that's a benefit of being a Time Lord. Along with having two hearts and living, like, forever, you also never have bad breath.
The next alien to make his entrance is the Face of Boe. He's a giant face. A blue, squatty alien spits on Rose and some dementors give them a weird silver ball thing. The dementors have hands that kind of look like Dr. Claw's.
Then they introduce "the last human," who is NOT (surprise!) Rose, but this person named Cassandra. Ugh. Cassandra. Just wait. She's basically a piece of skin all stretched out, but she still has eyes and a mouth. I wish she didn't have a mouth. She has minions around to moisturize her and no, it's not as dirty as what you're thinking.
Rose gets closer because wouldn't you want a better look at that? Cassandra says she brought gifts and hands out some ostrich eggs. Ostriches, she says, had a wingspan of 50 feet and breathed fire. What's awesome is that she's describing dragons so I'm choosing to believe that she's not just wrong about ostriches, but that at some point in the future, ostriches will evolve into dragons.
Cassandra then brings out a jukebox, which she says was called an iPod. They play a song by "one of Earth's most famous composers," which turns out to be Tainted Love. True story. The Doctor bobs his head adorably.
At this point, Rose is getting a bit overwhelmed, probably because she's basically in what amounts to the Star Wars cantina, but the lighting is better so she can really see all the weirdo aliens. She rushes out of the room, while the dementors pass out silver balls (heh) to everyone. This is important REMEMBER THIS MOMENT.
The tree lady is trying to identify what species the Doctor is on her handheld computer. When the result appears, she says it's impossible. IMPOSSIBLE! I mean, I don't know, if she's getting her information from Wikipedia or something, there's every possibility that it could be wrong. Case in point: Esperanza Quesadilla. Stupid Bieber fans. Can you imagine the wealth of (completely wrong) information that will be on the internet in the year 5 billion?
Meanwhile, a Minority Report spider bursts out of one of the silver balls the dementors were handing out. I hope this doesn't mean Tom Cruise is nearby. He's the creepiest alien of them all.
Rose, all alone in another room, stares out the window at the Earth. A blue lady comes in to fix something. Rose makes friends with her because Rose makes friends with everyone. The blue lady asks where Rose is from and Rose gets a bit freaked as she talks about how she just hitched a ride with a strange guy. In his magic blue box. That travels through time. And space.
Rose leaves the room and the blue lady crawls into the heating vent because she sees two of the spider things. She thinks they're cute until more come after her. They drag her into the vent somehow. Poor blue lady. I liked her.
Tobius is in his office with his silver ball, which soon bursts forth a spider creature. He doesn't see it, though, and instead gets on his PA system to ask the owner of the blue box to come to his office. Ooooh, the Doctor is in TROUBLE.
Rose is in another room by herself, waiting for Earth Death. Why is she off by herself right now? Should the Doctor be letting her wander around unsupervised? He knows how stupid humans are. A spider comes out of the Doctor's ball (heh) but Rose doesn't notice because she's too busy feeling sorry for
The Doctor finds Rose pouting. She ponders the aliens, which are SO ALIEN (her words), but speak English. The Doctor explains that, no, they don't speak English, she just HEARS English, because there's a psychic translation field around the TARDIS, which is the coolest fucking thing in the entire fucking universe, OK? Cooler than the Babel fish, even.
The Doctor is lounging like he's about to hit on Rose, which is gross because he's way older than her. By like 900 years. (Note: I will not always feel this way AHEMDAVIDTENNANT.)
Rose asks him who he is and where he's from, and he gets cranky because what is this, the Spanish Inquisition? You'd think the Doctor of all people would expect that. Badum-bum. Sorry. Again. Rose apologizes and jokes about not being able to get a signal on her cell phone. The Doctor cheers up and futzes with her phone and suddenly she can call anywhere, so she calls her mum. Aww.
There's a rumble in the Platform, and the Doctor says that's not supposed to happen. Something weird is going on! What? On this show? Never.
Tobius is in his office, trying to figure out what's happening. He sees the spiders when he runs a scan of the Platform. Then one crawls up to him and you know he's about to die. Sorry, Tobius. The spider pushes a button and the sun filter on the window deactivates. Tobius burns up, just like the Earth is going to.
But don't worry, the Doctor is on the case. He talks to Jabe, the lady tree person, who thinks Rose is the Doctor's wife/partner/concubine/prostitute. Rose gets offended (naturally) and sends them off to investigate while she goes to talk to Cassandra. Yes, by all means, SPLIT UP AGAIN. These two. Sigh.
Poor Rose is talking to Cassandra, who is pointing to the Earth and saying she grew up as a little boy right down there. Wait...what? Did I hear that right? She grew up a little boy? I'm going to assume that's what she said because I don't feel like rewinding.
Anyway, it turns out that Cassandra isn't necessarily the last HUMAN, really, but the last PURE human (her words). She thinks it's totally gross that humans would "mingle" with other species. Holy shit, she's a Death Eater! Rose calls Cassandra a bitchy trampoline. Heh.
The Doctor and Jabe are, like, crawling around ducts or something. Jabe tells the Doctor that she knows what he is. She knows where he's from. She says it's remarkable that he even exists, and that she's sorry. The Doctor has tears in his eyes. WTF, what is happening? Just kidding, I totally know, I just didn't want to rub it in your faces.
Rose, meanwhile, gets kidnapped by dementors.
The Doctor pulls a panel from the wall and a spider comes out. They catch it and the Doctor says it's on board for sabotage. No! Not sabotage!
Oh, holy shit, you guys. This is about to get awesome. Cassandra is making another speech, which (finally) ends with her saying they should mourn the Earth with a traditional ballad. And that ballad is...Toxic, by Britney Spears. I love this show.
The Doctor and Jabe find the charred Tobius and the Doctor sees that a sun filter is set to deactivate in another room. And guess who's in that room! If you guessed Rose, then you're right. Good job. Have you seen this episode before?
Rose wakes up on the floor to hear a robot voice saying "sun filter descending," which is probably not a comforting thing to wake up to. She starts pounding on the door and the Doctor hears her. Yay! I'm pretty sure he'll probably save her. He starts fiddling with his sonic screwdriver (heh) and the sun filter goes back up. But wait! Then it starts going back down again. Things look pretty bleak for our heroes. Oh wait, the filter goes up all the way...somehow...but they still can't get the door open.
The Doctor goes back to the main party, where Jabe is telling everyone that they should probably stick their heads between their knees and kiss their asses goodbye, which is kind of insensitive because not everyone there even HAS knees. Or asses. The Doctor sets one of the spiders loose and tells it to go to its master who turns out to be...Cassandra, duh. Oh wait, no, it goes to the dementors. The Doctor is too smart for that, though, and realizes that the dementors are just droids. Droids that belong to...DUN DUN DUN...Cassandra. She sucks.
So, it turns out that Cassandra was planning on holding everyone hostage so she could get money for more surgeries. Gross. Now that she's found out, though, she's just planning on killing them and teleporting off of the Platform. She destroys the force fields so when the Earth explodes, so will they. How RUDE.
The Doctor and Jabe run back downstairs. They have to get past some giant, rotating fans in order to push a button that will, I don't know, fix stuff and save them all. Jabe has to stay on one side and hold down some lever (I can't remember why), which means she'll die. Poor tree lady. The Doctor makes it past one of the fans, but the windows are starting to shatter and the heat levels are rising. Tree lady catches on fire and lets go of the lever, so the Doctor is stuck between two fans that are spinning super fast.
Then he uses The Force to get past the fan. I'm totally serious. Do you think the Doctor might be a Jedi?
Anyway, he gets through and raises the shields just in time for the Earth to explode all over the place. Yay, they're safe!
Rose gets out of her room, finally, and meets the Doctor in the main party area. The Doctor tells Jabe's tree friends that she died. He figures out how to bring Cassandra back and she is so going to get in trouble because DAD IS PISSED.
She tries to sweet talk her way out of a lecture but the Doctor isn't having it. She soon discovers that her minions aren't there, which means there is no one to moisturize her, so she dries out and explodes. Just like the Earth. BAM, Cassandra, I hope you're hungry because YOU JUST GOT SERVED. Rose asks the Doctor to help Cassandra but he refuses, which is kind of dickish, but I don't care because Cassandra was annoying.
Rose and the Doctor watch pieces of the Earth float by the window. Rose is upset because no one was even paying attention when it was destroyed. She's pretty distraught because, you know, her home is floating around in millions of tiny pieces right now. Can't say that I blame her. The Doctor takes Rose's hand and tells her to come with him.
He takes her back to her time, where there are tons of humans roaming around, and it's pretty much exactly where she needs to be. He finally explains to her that his planet is gone, that it burned, just like the Earth, but before its time. He says there was a war and they lost. Rose asks about his people. The Doctor says he's a Time Lord, and the last of them. He travels on his own because there's no one else.
"There's me," Rose answers. He asks if she wants to go home or if she wants to keep traveling with him. She can't decide, so in the meantime, they go for chips. Good call.
Next time: Charles Dickens! And Gwen Cooper, but not really.