Lois & Clark, Episode 7: Smart Kids

Netflix synopsis: Lois and Clark save Metropolis from the rule of several children who were victims of a chemical experiment to increase their intelligence.

When will we ever learn? Don't make kids super smart.

Beckworth State School

An adorable child is holding a leash, which is attached to an adorable pig. But really all pigs are adorable, so I didn't even really need to say that. I said it anyway, though, because that's what I do. The taller boy next to her is kind of snotty and asks what Socrates is doing there and she's all, "I'm not leaving him!" and I don't blame her because again: adorable pig. Also, the girl looks really familiar.

Another kid is using some crazy bleep bloop remote thing to break into a locked door. There's also another girl there but she doesn't say anything so I guess she's not important. They're breaking into the infirmary, btw.

The kid with the bleep bloop remote is breaking into a safe or something. There are vials of some red liquid (Kool-Aid? OH YEAH) inside the safe and the tall boy says, "OK, let's get smart." Then they do shots of the red liquid out of those medicine cups you get with cough medicine. See:

Mmm, Robitussin.

Yum! They are instantly smart. Or high.

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Lois & Clark, Episode 6: I've Got A Crush On You

Netflix Synopsis: Lois and Clark infiltrate a criminal gang they suspect of setting destructive fires throughout Metropolis.

This seems like a good idea.


Superman prefers to fly crotch-first into danger.
The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! No, seriously, there's a building on fire. It looks pretty serious. The Metropolis fire department is working hard to put out the blaze, the sixth in the last twenty-four hours, according to the handy TV news reporter/expository character who is on hand. Superman arrives on the scene and rescues a man who was trapped in the building. Mr. Exposition asks Superman if he has any idea who's behind the fires, saying they're rumored to be gang-related. Gang-related fires? Let me be the first to say: what the hell? Some cities have drive-by shootings, but apparently Metropolis has middle-of-the-day arson. Before Superman can respond to the reporter, he hears on the police band that there's another fire across town and flies off.

Elsewhere, Johnny, an obvious Sopranos reject, is holding auditions for chorus girls in a night club. Is he a 1920s gangster? If he is, he is sorely lacking in the pinstripe suit department. The auditions are interrupted by Ms. Exposition, who needs to tell Johnny right away that there was another fire, and that the owner of the building pays "The Metro Organization" for protection. I assume that she is referring to the gang that Johnny runs, and not the series of interconnected railways in the Washington DC area. Johnny calls for the next auditioner, and who should walk out but Lois Lane, lookin' fiiiiine. Johnny takes one look at her and hires her. He didn't even make her tapdance! That's just not fair to the other applicants.


DAAAAAAAAMN, girl.
Back at the Planet, Lois is defending her decision to go undercover to Clark and Jimmy. She explains that she needs to go undercover to find out why the West River area, which is Metro Gang-controlled territory, is on fire. Honestly, yeah, it's dangerous, but I have to side with Lois on this one. If she really wants to be an investigative journalist, she's got to be willing to take risks like this, and there's really no other way to get this story than to infiltrate this gang. Good on you, Lane. I hope this works out for you. Perry agrees and says that he will back his reporters 100%, even if Clark were to go up to the roof and say that he could fly. Get it? Because Clark is Superman, so he really can fly. Anyway. Clark tells Lois that she should have consulted with him first, and Lois condescends to him with what amounts to "you win some, you lose some." She goes on to say that she would never do anything to compromise her safety or her journalistic integrity, at which point Jimmy walks up to her desk carrying a dry cleaning bag that had been delivered for her. He says the cleaners had some problems with the feathers, and pulls out what appears to be a skimpy chicken costume. Lois hides the outfit in disgust, but I'm sure she could pull it off.

Lex Luthor is holding a press conference regarding some urban renewal projects that he is investing in that just happen to be in the West River area. He doesn't seem worried about the fires, and delights in the fact that not even Superman can keep up with them. He refers to the area is a blight on Metropolis, and says that the newly-rechristened Lex Harbor will be the crown jewel of the city. Clark, who is in attendance, asks Lex about allegations of coercion made by city council members, and Lex brushes him off before abruptly leaving. Clark watches him leave and looks back at the model of Lex Harbor pensively.


"Costa Del Lex. Luthorville. Marina del Lex. Otisburg... Otisburg?"
Meanwhile, at the Metro Club, Lois is being trained as a waitress. The trainer warns Lois to watch out for the wandering hands of the men in this club. A group of suited men enter a back room of the club, and Lois offers $20 to the woman training her to let her serve the men their drinks. In the back room, the gambinos are stressing about the fires, but Johnny reassures them that he'll take care of them. Ms. Exposition interjects, asking how he plans to take care of them, and Johnny looks pissed as Lois enters with some drinks. Johnny grabs Lois's butt non-chalantly, being sure to get a really good handful there.


"Yeah, that's the stuff. That is nice, kid. You must work out.
He then goes back to berating Ms. Exposition (whom Johnny refers to as 'Ms. MBA', so I think that will be her name from now on), saying that the old-style gangster tactics that they're using now worked just fine for his father (their father? the implication is that they are siblings), and that if their father were here he would "be the first to tell you to get a good husband, start having babies, and leave the real work to the men". Ms. MBA shoots back that that's what their father did tell her, not realizing that Johnny would ruin everything. BURN! Johnny pulls a gun and fires three times at the wall, proving that he is the more level-headed of the two. Ms. MBA strolls out, and everyone else gets up from off of the floor, having hidden there when the gun made its appearance.

That evening, a mangy sailor enters the Metro Club. He wears a stocking cap, mustache, chin beard, and glasses. Yep, it's Clark. Just soak this in for a minute:


Honestly, it's a better disguise than just putting on a pair of glasses and slouching, but still. That's just damn ridiculous. Anyway. Let's move on. Clark strolls over to the bar, orders a beer, and peruses the club, immediately finding the head gangsters. He moves along the back wall of the club when, from behind a curtain, a feathered hand grabs him. Naturally it's Lois, in full skimpy chicken getup.


"You look ridiculous!"
She yells at Clark for even being there, but Clark doesn't magically disappear for some reason, probably because he wants to protect Lois. He asks her how she plans to get close to Johnny, to which Lois replies, "He's a man, I'm a woman. Do you want me to draw you a diagram?" So...she's going to have sex with him? I've seen diagrams like the ones she's talking about, and I'm pretty sure that's what she's implying. Lois gets a call to the stage, and Clark heads back out to watch the show. He strolls back up to the bar and orders two double Whiskeys, which he downs immediately, then starts to complain to the bartender about how he got thrown off of his ship today. Wow, Clark, you are a convincing sailor. Maybe you should throw in a couple of 'gash darnits' just to really drive it home. As Clark whines, the show starts, and Lois dances around in her chicken costume. It's the most not-hot thing I've ever seen. Clark asks the bartender if the club has any job openings, and the bartender says that Clark isn't the type. Clark acts all indignant, and the manager - Ms. MBA - approaches, saying they don't have any openings and that he'll need to leave, as he is violating the club's dress code policy. It is at that point that these four enter the club:


Oh my God! It's DEVO!
One of the guys in silver screams at Johnny that he's a dead man, and all four of them open fire with their flame throwers. Clark leaps across the room and knocks Johnny out of the way of the flames as the four set the place ablaze. Several gangsters shoot at the silver guys, and the four run away. Clark helps Johnny to his feet, then sees that Ms. MBA is trapped behind a wall of flames. He leaps through them and saves her, then rushes everyone else, chicken-suited Lois included, out of the club. As they all leave, he uses his super-breath to put out the fire. As the fire dies down, Lois rushes back in and asks Clark who those guys were. Clarks points to the wall, where the word 'TOASTERS' has been burned. This gang is called The Toasters. Or they really hate appliances. Either way, wow is that awful.

The next day, the club is being cleaned up. They try to paint over the burn marks, but to no avail - the word TOASTERS is still plainly visible. You know, if they renamed the place Toasters, that might actually work to their advantage. But then their club wouldn't be named after their gang, and that would just be silly. There's a secret meeting going on in the back room, and no waitresses are allowed in, so Lois can't get in to spy on them. She does the next best thing, though: she sneaks into the room adjacent and spies through the bullet holes that Johnny shot earlier, which apparently afford her a clear view of the whole room. Nice shootin', Johnny. In the meeting, Ms. MBA has organized a coup against her brother. She orders Johnny removed from the room, and tells everyone else that she plans to take their organization "out of the back room and into the board room". Corporations are evil. Throw rocks at them.

Lois rushes back to the Planet and tells Clark what she heard about Johnny's sister, Toni, taking over (finally, she has a name!). Lois sets to work on the story, and Clark tells her that Toni asked him to meet her at the club later that day. She is shocked and asks why, to which Clark replies, "I'm a man, she's a woman. Do you want me to draw you a diagram?" Again, is Clark planning on having sex with this woman? What kind of reporters are these two? The sexy kind, that's what.

The next next day, Toni is furious that the story of the Metro Gang's power shift is in the Planet. She fumes and wonders where the leak came from, as this information could only have come from inside the organization. She orders one of her lackeys to find the leak, and as she does Clark arrives in his sailor disguise. Toni offers him a bartending job, as a token of appreciation for his having saved her life. She also gives him some money to buy better clothes and to shave. Well done, Toni. Whatever that thing is on his face was really driving me crazy. As they talk, another of Toni's lackeys approaches her and tells her that the club's singer just quit and that they need to find a new one.

Later that evening, a clean-shaven Clar...er, Charlie King (That's his alias. CK, get it?) is tending bar. Lois spies him and is outraged that he is there. Toni approaches the bar and advises them against fraternization, and Clark gives Lois a nice pat on the butt as she walks away. Clark fixes Toni a drink, using his powers to freeze up some ice, and asks if she heard about The Toasters' latest hit: burning a police station to the ground. He asks Toni how she plans to stop them, and before she answers Toni turns and looks across the room, where Lex Luthor is entering the club. She tells Clark that they will talk later and she and Lex get a table. Clark listens in with his super-hearing as Toni tells Lex that everything is under control. She says that she's worried about The Toasters, and before Clark can hear more, the music starts and the announcer introduces Ms. Lola Dane - a sequin-dressed Lois Lane. As they listen to her sing, both Clark and Lex look at her with that TV show look that you know means they're both falling in love with her. The song she sings is called "I've Got A Crush On You," which finally explains the title of the episode. Lois makes eye contact with Lex and smiles, and Clark notices and gets jealous. The song ends, everyone applauds, and Lex throws Lois a rose. Clark abandons his post at the bar and meets Lois backstage. He warns Lois to get out of there, but Lois insists that she and Lex are friends. Suddenly they're ambushed by Toni, and Clark says that he found their leak: Lois Lane, reporter for the Daily Planet. Toni tells him to throw her out, which he does by slinging her over his shoulder and carrying her out of the club. He approaches two dumpsters and uses his x-ray vision to see what's in them. One has straw and other soft materials in it, while the other has rotten vegetables in it. So Clark tosses Lois into the dumpster full of rotten vegetables. Clark, I forgive you for the horrible disguise from earlier in the episode. This was the most badass thing you've ever done.


I'm sure that, some day, when they're in couples counseling,
Clark and Lois will look back on this and laugh.
Back at Clark's apartment, Lois storms in, still wearing the dress and presumably stinking like rotten tomatoes. She yells at him about blowing her cover, and Clark explains that at least now Toni won't be looking for a leak, and his cover is still safe, so la-di-frickin'-da, Lane, get over it. Before Lois can yell at him some more, there's a knock at the door. Clark sees with his x-ray vision that it's Toni, and he shoos Lois away, forcing her to hide behind a pillar in the apartment. Lois resists, and Clark accuses her of being jealous, which she denies.


I'm mostly showing you this because that pillar in Clark's
apartment looks just like Plastic Man in disguise.
Clark opens the door, and Toni enters with a bag of groceries, offering to cook Clark some homemade lasagna. According to Jennie, 'lasagna' is code for 'vagina'. Use your imagination, kids, it's totally true. Toni and Clark have some sexually-charged banter about each getting what they want, and Clark grabs Toni and kisses her, giving Lois a chance to make her exit. Lois gets home and scoffs at the idea that she is jealous of Toni. As she scarfs down ice cream from the container (just like a woman!), she realizes that she actually is jealous.


I know that women do this because I've seen it on Lifetime.
Just then, a knock comes at the door, and it's Lex Luthor, tux-clad and dashing as ever. His first words to her: "Let's do it." Apparently he's referring to the song she sang earlier, but we all know he really just wants to get on her. Lois invites Lex in and explains to him that she was undercover at the club and that she was fired. She asks Lex what he was doing at the club, and Lex explains that he was meeting with the new leader of the Metro Gang. They both have plans for the West River area, and Lex says that he doesn't trust Toni. He warns Lois to be careful, kisses her cheek, and leaves.

Back at Clark's place, he and Toni are on the balcony, having finished eating Toni's vagina lasagna. They talk about feelings and their families, and Toni says she wants to make the Metro Gang a legitimate organization, as long as they can get past The Toasters. Clark pledges to help her, but before they can get down to business time (you know what I'm sayin'), Toni says she has to leave because she has a prior engagement. She leaves Clark's apartment, and is followed by Lois, who emerges from the shadows. Toni makes her way to the West River district and sneaks into the building that was on fire at the beginning of the episode. There she meets up with The Toasters.


It's not DEVO, it's the Red Hot Chili Peppers!
Toni gives them $100,000, and berates them for botching the attempt on her brother's life. She tells them that she wants the toasters back, and I assume she's talking about the flame throwers and not about a bunch of household appliances that they borrowed from her. The gang refuses to give them back to her and instead takes her hostage. They tell her they're planning to set a string of fires leading from the wharf all the way to the Metro Club, and that she'll just have to wait until then to burn to death. Lois, having followed Toni and hidden herself inside the building, hears the whole thing.

She then proceeds to fall asleep, and is awoken by one of The Toasters trying to catch a rat. She takes this opportunity to leave and head to Clark's place. She tells Clark everything she heard the previous night, and Clarks turns on the TV to see that the wharf is already on fire. Lois runs out to head to the scene, and Clark takes off his glasses, instantly becoming Superman! He also takes off his shirt, presumably because he needs to put the rest of his costume on.


Burn it! Burn it good!
Down at the wharf, Devo The Red Hot Chili Peppers The Toasters are running amok! Superman arrives and makes a bad pun about people playing with fire. The Toasters attempt to burn Superman, but he uses his super-breath to freeze them in place. He makes several more puns about cooling people off and toasty jail cells, and just generally displays a complete lack of a sense of humor. He really needs to talk to Buffy Summers about how to properly pun.

Inside the burnt-out building, Lex Luthor finds Toni. Lex gloats about how he and Toni had a plan to reshape West River, but how Toni got careless and Lex made out like a bandit buying cheap, burnt-out real estate. As he's talking, he takes out a handkerchief and lays it on a chair so that he can sit down. He's so casually awesome that it makes my head explode. Toni threatens to reveal Lex's connection to The Toasters, but Lex scoffs, saying that no matter where she goes he has connections and that she'd better keep her mouth shut. He welcomes her to the world of big business, and leaves her tied up there. You're the man, Lex. Seriously, you're the best character on this show.

Superman flies over the area that is ablaze and uses...some sort of powers to make it rain. I'm not sure what he does, honestly. He blows some clouds around, and it starts to storm. He's Superman, just go with it. Back at the abandoned building, Clark enters and unties Toni, telling her that she let him down. She explains that she had to take control of the Metro Gang somehow, and Clark explains that he's a reporter for the Daily Planet and not Charlie King, hired goon. Toni asks what happens now as sirens approach. If this had been any other show, she would have shot herself in the head rather than go to jail, but Toni just shrugs and accepts her fate.

Back at LexCorp, Lex is celebrating his victory with a cigar. Lex Luthor, you magnificent bastard. Even when you lose, you win!


He also celebrates by talking on his Zach Morris phone.
Back at the Planet, Clark and Lois are wrapping things up on their end. There are a bunch of sports metaphors thrown around about quarterbacks and receivers and the sexual tension is palpable between the two of them even though they're at each other's throats about who actually got the story, and eventually they agree to drop the metaphors thank you baby Jesus because it was annoying. Clark smiles smugly and asks Lois again if she was at all jealous of he and Toni Taylor (her last name was Taylor! Good to know, here at the end of the episode). Lois again scoffs, saying that he just wishes it were true. The two smile longingly at each other, and they should just kiss already because they're clearly in love with each other. THE END.


TOP SHIP.
REVIEW: This episode was extremely entertaining. Aside from the cookie cutter gangster characters, the main villainess was a fairly interesting character, and her plot with Lex Luthor just made it all the better. I'm a big fan of the idea that Lex Luthor is somehow involved in every criminal dealing in Metropolis, and I think that was used perfectly in this episode. The showdown between Superman and The Toasters lasted all of 30 seconds, so there wasn't very much super-powered action at all in this episode, but it was great to see Lois and Clark being journalists. Lois in particular hasn't really had a chance, in my opinion, to show why she's such a highly-respected reporter - she's mostly, up until this point, been portrayed as an impulsive, stubborn, hapless buffoon - and I really enjoyed her story in this episode (and not just because she wore skimpy outfits throughout, though that certainly didn't hurt). Plus we get the beginnings of Lois having feelings for Clark, which is definitely a big milestone, as well as some foundation being laid for the Clark/Lois/Lex love triangle, which is great because anything that features Lex prominently is enjoyable. Man, this episode was enjoyable. Bring on more like this.

Lois & Clark Episode 5: Requiem for a Superhero

Netflix synopsis: When Lois discovers that her father, Dr. Sam Lane, is helping a corrupt boxing promoter create an army of cybernetic athletes, Superman steps into the boxing ring to defeat the killer robots.

Killer robots. KILLER ROBOTS.

Clark finds a baseball glove and bat on some bleachers. He starts playing baseball with himself, which sounds dirty but it isn't. This seems like a gross abuse of his powers, though, it being broad daylight and all, but I like it because it's exactly the sort of thing I'd do if I had superpowers. No one notices him floating in midair, which is lucky.

Wait...did I win or lose?

Over at The Daily Planet, Perry is mad because one of his poker buddies is flaking on that night's poker game. He asks Clark to join and it's worth noting that Clark's hair is far less mullety than it was earlier in the season. Perry basically bullies him into joining and is pretty excited when Clark says he was never good at poker.

Later that night, Clark, Lois, Jimmy, and some no-names are playing poker with Perry. He's wearing an Elvis jacket. It's ugly. Lois is wearing a stupid hat. Stacy and Clinton would have a field day with this crew.

P-p-p-poker face, p-p poker face.

They show Clark's hand and if I knew how to play poker at all, I'd probably know whether it was good or not. I don't know how to play poker, though, so I guess I'll have to wait and see. The suspense, it's killing me. I don't think Clark really knows whether it's a good hand, either.

Jimmy says Superman would be a great poker player and Perry tells him to shut up. I guess all that standing up for himself that Jimmy did a couple of episodes ago didn't really stick. They all argue about whether or not Superman would use his X-ray vision to cheat. Clark almost does, but at the last minute he folds instead of cheating. What a stand up guy. I would totally cheat but that's probably just another reason it's good that I don't have superpowers.

The next day, Perry tells Lois that she and Clark are going to be partners. She bitches and moans but Perry's not hearing it.

"Howdy, Partner," Clark greets her. Ugh, what a dork.

Perry assigns them a boxing story. Lois is mad because she's too good to report sports and boxing is boooooooring. She didn't say that, I said that. Lois asks if this assignment has anything to do with her "connections." Her father, apparently, is part of the boxing world but we already knew that from the Netflix synopsis because Netflix doesn't believe in NO SPOILERS.

They go to the Menken Gym. Clark tries to impress Lois with his boxing knowledge, but she shuts him down because she's like the Rainman of boxing information or something. Anyway, in the course of their verbal sparring (see what I did there?), it's revealed that her father is Dr. Sam Lane WHICH WE ALREADY KNEW. He does reconstructive surgery on injured athletes, which explains why he's so good at building killer robots OH WAIT sorry, spoilers.

Lois yells a question to one of the fighters, who gets pissed at her and orders her out of the gym. NO GIRLS ALLOWED. That guy's got some sand in his vagina. Some old guy named Allie runs out, tells them to ignore the angry fighter, calls Lois "pumpkin" and gives her one of those spin-around hugs you always see on TV but hardly ever in real life. Lois and Clark try to convince Allie to let them talk to the fighters who'll be fighting in the big match (I don't know) on Saturday but he's hesitant. Actually, he looks like he's about to poop his pants, but I didn't want to be crass.

Sandy Vagina throws a towel at Clark and says he'll talk to them if Clark gets in the ring. Yeah, that's a great idea. Clark climbs into the ring and the roid-case starts throwing punches. Clark is like Mr. Miyagi and doesn't want to abuse his power, so he doesn't hit back. Sandy calls Clark "princess" and taunts him a whole bunch until finally Clark pushes him. Even Superman can't control himself when someone implies that he's a girl. Sigh. Someone stops the fight before it escalates any further, but not before I get wicked bored.

The guy who stopped the fight is Max Menken. They don't tell you that yet, but I'm telling you now because I don't feel like making up a nickname for him. He says that the winner of Saturday's bout is going to fight Superman, which seems to be news to Clark. This is weird...they're advertising that one of the fighters will fight Superman without notifying Superman? Superman needs an agent.

Lois and Clark leave because they are as bored as I am and they run into Lois's dad, Dr. Sam Lane, outside the gym. Lois is definitely not happy to see Daddy Dearest. Lois wants Sam to get them access to the fighters but he says he can't help. He asks Lois if they can have dinner soon and she's noncommittal. Daddy issues.

Lex is on the phone at his house, talking to Max Menken and throwing darts at something off screen. He's blah blah blahing about how much money he has and how fast he makes money and he asks if Max sees his point. Max doesn't. I don't, either, for the record. I think he just likes to call people and threaten them for no raisin. Oh, and he's throwing darts at a cardboard cutout of Superman. You might be wondering where he got a cardboard cutout of Superman. My guess is it's left over from the last episode. Also, he's Lex Luthor, you think he can't get a cardboard cutout of Superman?

Lois has one of these at home, too.

Lois and Clark are at The Daily Planet, working for once. Lois wonders why Clark is still there and Clark says he's working. Pay attention, Lois, I just said that. Lois thinks he's still there because he's waiting for her to open up to him about her daddy troubles because IT'S ALL ABOUT HER. She insists that she doesn't want to talk about her father, so of course she then starts complaining about him and how he was too hard on her, he was never home, he only criticized her, you know, the usual. I think we're supposed to feel sorry for her, but I don't really care.

Allie calls and tells Lois he needs to talk to her. Lois wants to go alone because Allie will be more comfortable talking to someone he knows. Clark doesn't even try to argue and Lois says he surprises her sometimes. I think he just needs some "me" time, if you know what I'm saying and I think you do.

Lois goes to meet Allie, but he's hit by a truck as he crosses the street to see her. I guess he's dead? Lois doesn't try to get help or anything, she just stares sadly down at him and quietly says his name. Call 911, Lois, even if he looks dead. Or do CPR. This is TV, where CPR magically brings people back to life even after they've been hanging from a tree for who knows how long YES I'M TALKING TO YOU, LOST. [link warning: SAD LOST MUSIC AHOY] That is my least favorite TV trope and that's the most egregious example I can think of because Charlie was HANGING FROM A TREE and Jack just freaking BEATS ON HIS CHEST and then he's back, all better. Although, I was really happy at the time that Charlie didn't die. But anyway. Right, Lois and Clark.

Lex is on the phone again, being informed that Allie is dead. He hangs up the phone, crosses his arms, and starts talking to someone. He says it's an embarrassment to have someone killed, because it reflects poorly on you, which is totally what I think EVERY TIME I have to have someone killed. Having people killed is such a hassle and it makes him sad, not because the person is dead, but because it feels like he's let himself down somehow. YOU GUYS. He's not talking to anyone. There's no one else in the room. He's talking to himself...IN A MIRROR. Marry me, Lex Luthor.

Who is this handsome fellow?

Lois is back in the office, sadly teabagging some...tea. She's sad face about Allie and we learn that the police are saying he was killed by a drunk driver. Lois insists that it wasn't an accident because he sounded like he was in trouble. Perry asks if her father can help.

She goes to see her father at the gym. He's sitting by himself, gazing at a picture of Allie. You think they had a torrid love affair? I'm going to assume that they did. Lois and Sam reminisce and Lois says she thinks Allie was murdered. Sam is concerned and wonders if the driver saw her. He tells her to stay away from the story. Lois says she can't because she has a duty as a reporter, this is her story, and she's stubborn as shit. Lois asks if he can help her and he says he can't. This quickly turns into a fight about their relationship. "You were hardly a father at all!" Lois shouts. Ouch. She asks again about the murder, he says he knows nothing, and she leaves sadly. This is all very Jack/Sydney Bristow.

Ooh, breaking and entering! Clark and Lois are breaking into Sam's office because Lois says he's hiding something. They go on weird dates. Anyway, she's picking a lock (she saw Jimmy do it once, so she's totally good at it) but having no luck. Clark gets tired of waiting and just rips the doorknob off without her noticing and she thinks her lock-picking skills opened the door. Aww, that's so sweet.

They pull a shitload of files and pile them on a nearby table. How long are they planning on spending there? Maybe they should be a bit quicker. They find files about how all of the fighters "made mincemeat" out of their opponents.

Clark explores a bit and uses his X-ray vision to find a hidden room behind a bookcase. He tells Lois he found it because his uncle has the same secret room in his den. Yeah, cause that's a normal thing to have. If you're a pedophile. Or Batman. In any case, Lois and Clark go in and investigate because that's what they do.

There are a bunch of weird robot skeleton things all over. They kind of look like Giant Jesus after he burned down. Clark hears something with his superhearing and goes to take a look, shutting Lois in the secret room. It's Max and Sandy Vagina! Sandy Vagina is bragging about how he could beat Superman in a fight. Clark creates an earthquake by running in place really fast, which seems like it'd be a really beneficial ability. I would use it at work all the time, just so I could go home early.

RIP

Max and Sandy leave and Clark lets Lois out of the secret room. I'd have left her in there.

Back at The Daily Planet, Jimmy is looking at the pictures Lois and Clark took at her father's office. Lois says it would be the lead story if it weren't for the earthquake and Jimmy is like, "there was no earthquake," and then makes a sex joke that is not only really obvious, but also not funny. This scene is completely pointless.

Lois works on her story and Clark asks her if she really wants to do this, since she'll be implicating her father and possibly putting him in danger.

She thinks it over and decides Clark is right, then writes Allie's death up as a normal hit and run. Perry questions her about her change of heart and is pissed that she ruined his awesome story. Clark is supportive because that's what a partner does, and Lois gives him a look like, "oh, so this is what friendship is like."

Back at the gym, Sam is fixing up one of the boxers, but with bandages, not with robot arms. Lois confronts him about the robot surgeries. She wants to know what's going on and tells him she didn't write the story. He says she should have written it and they fight some more about what a horrible father/daughter he/she is. As much as it pains me, I have to side with Lois here, because she was trying to keep her dad safe AND he's the one who told her not to write the story in the first place. Maybe he forgot about that, though. He should give himself a robot brain.

Anyway, apparently Sam started making robot parts to give to handicapped people. He was doing it for THE GOOD OF MANKIND, YOU GUYS. STOP JUDGING HIM. I don't know how the robot parts magically ended up inside of boxers. Psychic surgery?

Perry assigns Lois to cover an auto show. He says he's giving the auto show story to her to boost her confidence but you know she's being punished because Perry is a total dick. Clark is being punished, too, and is assigned a story about the police academy graduation. Also, they're not partners anymore. Lois says Clark's probably glad and he's all, no, I love you, PLEASE HANG OUT WITH ME. I mean, the guy is playing baseball BY HIMSELF, so I think he could use some friends.

Menken is meeting with Lex, DUN DUN DUUUUN. Menken is going on and on about how his fighters are the best fighters of all the fighters. Lex is forced to totally school him, which is awesome. The five fighters they created are only the beginning, he says. Those men will lead to an invulnerable army, hundreds of supermen, all under Lex's control. That seems like a great idea, I really hope this happens.

Menken goes to Sam and says he needs to make the fighters stronger. Sam doesn't want to because he'd basically be creating terminators and he can't do that because he doesn't work for Skynet. Sam wants out and Menken says he has to stay until the end of his lifetime contract. I think a good lawyer could get him out of that, though, because he definitely never signed anything. Menken threatens to kill Sam some more so Sam goes to Lois.

It turns out that Sam was recording Menken's threats. He gives them to Lois and tells Lois to write her story. He walks away, smiling, and Lois runs after him and calls him Daddy, but not in a dirty way. They have a moment and when Lois and Clark walk away, Clark puts a hand on her shoulder. When I was 11, I thought this meant they were MFEO.

This is first base, right?

Perry asks Lois for her piece on the auto show and she says she didn't write it. He gets pissed until he sees she wrote the story about the fighters and their robot junk. So, instead of getting yelled at, Perry praises her for pulling his leg and writing the good story behind his back.

They're going to run the story ASAP so Perry yells at everyone to, like, get it done already. He screams for a while and then says Lane and Clark are the greatest writing team since Woodward and Bernstein. Why isn't anyone calling 911 when Perry has so clearly had a stroke? Instead, everyone cheers.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! It's almost time for the big fight and literally TENS of people have come out to watch it. Lex is at home, I think, reading a newspaper. The headline is hilarious.

This makes me so RoboAngry!

I thought he'd be really pissed but he has a plan. He doesn't really care that the robofighter (heh) thing was exposed, he just doesn't want it to get back to him. He tells Menken to do him a favor, though, and get rid of Dr. Lane. Menken says Dr. Lane has disappeared (good idea) so Lex suggests using Lois as a way to get to him. Lois hasn't been in danger yet this episode, so I guess it's about time.

The fighters are in the locker room getting ready. Sandy Vagina punches a hole in the wall and says he's going to kill Superman. Do the robot parts make them extra aggressive or is this guy just an asshole?

The announcer says that the main fight (which I think is Superman vs. Sandy Vagina but I honestly have no idea) is canceled and everyone goes CRAZY. Especially the fighters. Sandy Vagina jumps into the ring and talks a bunch of smack. He wants to fight Superman! AHHHHHHH! HULK SMASH!

Lex shows up at The Daily Planet and runs into Lois and Clark. He tells Lois that he respects Dr. Lane and wants to help him, and Lois gets all googly eyed. She's so easy, you guys.

Menken comes in and interrupts this touching moment. He has a gun! Oh no! He takes Lois hostage because it wouldn't be an episode of Lois and Clark if Lois didn't need saving. Superman finds Menken and Lois in some alley and it looks like all will be well, until two robot fighters start beating the shit out of him. This doesn't last long, though, because he wraps them up in a fence. Yep. A fence. A little guy comes out to fight him and Superman stares him down until he scampers away.

Bish plz.

Meanwhile, Menken has run away, dragging Lois behind him. Lex emerges from the shadows with a gun. He shoots Menken, saving Lois, and then Superman shows up, asking if everyone is OK. Lois totally ignores him and goes up to Lex, all, "How can I thank you, you mysterious black clad hunk of a night thing?" She is so fickle. Lex kisses her hand and makes a crack to Superman about how it was good that at least one of them could get there in time. OH NO HE DIDN'T.

Sandy Vagina is still yelling about Superman and says Superman's too scared to fight him. So Superman shows up and they fight. Yawn. Sandy hits Superman really hard and Superman fall down go boom. Superman gets up and lets the fighter hit him a bunch of times in the face. It, of course, doesn't phase him at all and Sandy is way confused, but really I think that's his default. Confusion and roid-rage. Superman acts like he's going to hit Sandy but stops just before making contact, and instead flicks him in the forehead. The fighter falls down and gets tangled in the ropes. It's actually pretty hilarious, at least until Superman makes a really bad joke about...hanging...because the guy is "hanging" in the ropes. Sigh. He needs to take some punning lessons from Buffy.

You've got something on your forehead OH WAIT IT'S MY SUPERFINGER.

Everyone cheers. Yay.

Lex is back at his house, pouring champagne into a margarita glass. He's so slick he doesn't even need to use the right glass. He's talking to someone that we can't see...Lois perhaps? But no, he's explaining why he screwed Menken over (and, um, killed him...don't forget about that, Lex), and how it was to impress Lois and make Superman look stupid. So. He's definitely not talking to Lois.

Oh, hey, there's an adorable dog in the room. Is he talking to the adorable dog?

Bark...bark?

He pours another glass of champagne. He sits down across from the dog, takes a sip of his drink, and gives the other glass to the dog. I'm not sure dogs are supposed to drink champagne but Lex Luthor does what he wants. At first I thought Lex was going to be talking to himself in the mirror again, but I think I like the fact that he was talking to the dog even better. Team Luthor.

At The Daily Planet, Perry is reading Lois's follow up to the story. He praises himself for making Lois and Clark such a great team. BUT. He then says they won't be partners all the time, only when the time is right. What? That makes no sense. Perry is the worst editor ever.

Clark pouts because Perry made fun of him for missing everything. Good thing Lex was there! Lois tells Clark not to worry about it because even Superman got there too late. Oh, ouch.

Who has sand in his vagina now?

Perry tells Clark there's another poker game that night, but Clark says he has other plans. Which are...beating the shit out of a punching bag. He punches it all the way across the room. Then he jump ropes really fast. Wheeeeee! I wonder if he can double dutch?

Review: This wasn't a terrible episode. Again, it had a lot of Lex in it, which makes everything better, especially when he's doing things like talking to himself in the mirror or having conversations with his dog. I feel sort of bad that I'm getting all the good Lex episodes and Joe's episodes are Lex-Lite. Sorry, Joe.

Also, I thought that Superman would be fighting a robot-robot, not a human with robot parts. That was disappointing. But Dean Cain made a lot of hilarious faces, so there's that. Two thumbs up!

Lois & Clark, Episode 4: I'm Looking Through You

Netflix Synopsis: Superman faces an unseen enemy when an invisible man terrorizes Metropolis, staging violent robberies and helping vicious criminals escape.

...I don't even have anything to add to the synopsis. That does not bode well for this episode being interesting at all.


DC Comics Editor Mike Carlin welcomes you to Superman Day!
It's Superman Day in Metropolis! Street vendors shill everything possible with the Superman logo on it. The crowd is made up mostly of DC Comics editors, which you would only know if you are a huge nerd like me, and now, thanks to me, you know it, too, thus making you a huge nerd. YOU'RE WELCOME. Superman swoops out of the sky, and Lois Lane, who is among the crowd, tries to get his attention, but to no avail. Don't worry, Lois, I'm sure he was just distracted by some kittens.


This is where Superman got the idea for the key
to the Fortress of Solitude.
Up on-stage (did I mention there's a stage? There's a stage), Lex Luthor (who wears the key to the city around his neck like an Olympic gold medal) introduces Superman, and the deputy mayor of Metroplis takes the key from Luthor and gives it to Superman. You can't see it, but Lex is crying on the inside about this. Superman makes a brief speech, but is overwhelmed by the amount of praise he's receiving. While the festivities continue, Lex slinks off, headed to the Everglades. "Just what the bootmaker ordered," he sneers. God, Lex, you are so fired from life for that lame-ass comment.

Having slipped away into a back alley, Superman composes himself, but begins to freak out and run away when a group of fangirls rush after him and trap him against the dead end of the alley. Could this be curtains for Superman? Felled by a throng of non-powered humans?


It's Bieber Fever! CATCH IT!
Apparently not, as when we return from the credits Clark and Lois are back at the Planet as if nothing happened. Lois is disappointed that Superman didn't notice her amid the crowd earlier that day. Continuing to ignore Lois, Clark looks out the window and spots a plane that is about to crash. He pretends to drop his pen, and while he's on the floor to pick it up he slips out of the room by crawling across the floor at superspeed. He couldn't have just excused himself to use the restroom or something? Honestly, Clark.

Jimmy has brought a copy of the National Whisper to the staff meeting. The cover story is about an "invisible Robin Hood" who has been robbing slum lords and distributing the cash to poor people. Lois and Perry mock the Whisper as being nothing but tabloid trash. Getting back to the meeting, a reporter named Friez is working on a story about the escape of an armed robber named Henry Barnes from prison. Gee, I wonder if this Barnes guy is somehow connected to the invisible Robin Hood. I'm sure they are entirely unrelated. After all, this is a complex universe that they're building here. Lois finally notices that Clark has crawled away, only to find him standing across the room, pen in hand. Clark smiles and looks out the window, where the crashing plane is now flying safely. After the meeting, a talent agent and obvious huckster named Murray Brown arrives at the Planet looking for Superman. He tells Lois he wants to represent Superman, and figures that Lois will know how to find him since she wrote about him. Naturally, because all journalists trade contact information with the subjects of their stories.


Although his wardrobe did appear in this episode,
Rodney Dangerfield was unavailable for this role.
Lois is mercifully called away to huddle around a TV with Clark and Jimmy, where they see footage of an invisible man hijacking a catering truck, which ends up at a homeless shelter. As they watch the footage, a strange woman comes up to Lois and tells her and Clark that she is the wife of the invisible man. Lois appears skeptical at first (Scully), but Clark says that he's fascinated by the paranormal (Mulder), and they decide to humor the woman.

Back at the woman's house, they find some sort of lab equipment. According to the woman, her husband is something of scientist who spent most of his time in his lab. A few weeks ago he left, having somehow turned himself invisible. The woman wants Lois & Clark to write an article about him and to find out if he's ever coming home. As they leave, Lois is still not convinced, and Clark questions whether everything has to have a logical explanation, and Lois says yes. Clark brings up Superman, a man who flies and is bulletproof. Before she can answer, Lois & Clark see a skywriting plane asking Superman to contact Murray Brown about representation. Lois is disgusted by it along with all of the other Superman publicity, and Clark questions her motives, to which Lois replies that she's afraid Superman is going to forget about her.

Having returned to the Planet, Lois & Clark arrive in time to see the invisible man's wife on television pleading for him to come home. As she speaks, we cut to another location, where a shadowy figure in a fedora and trenchcoat watches. Could this be the invisible man? Dun dun DUUUUUN. Back at the Planet, Lois still scoffs and says that there's no such thing as an invisible man. Later, at a jewelry store, the invisible man strikes! He pistolwhips people willy-nilly and steals most of the jewelry, and as he leaves he tells the people to say that the invisible man was here. Mwah hahahahahahaha! Seriously, he laughs like that. It's pretty awful.


Not a floating gun! I am paralyzed with fear!
At the crime scene later, Lois & Clark are still bickering like an old married couple about whether or not there is an invisible man when Lois receives a tip from one of the policemen, and they head off to investigate. They arrive at the invisible man's wife's house to find the lab trashed. She insists that her husband didn't do this, and afterward Lois & Clark bicker some more about multiple invisible men and about the secrets that couples keep from each other. Lois tells Clark that she has to get home, as she has a date with Superman, and Clark is surprised by this.

That evening, Lois and Cat Grant (did I ever mention that Cat Grant was in this episode? She is, but she's not ever really important) are attending a charity auction. Lex Luthor is up for bids first, and he sells for $10,000. Superman is next on the auction block, and Lois and Cat get into a bidding war over him. Eventually the price soars (like Superman!) out of their price range, selling for $50,000. Lois is crushed, and Lex can't help but notice. He's wearing new alligator-skin boots (the cad!), and he asks Lois to have lunch with him, and offer that she accepts. Way to pick up Superman's leftovers, Lex! Outside of the auction, Superman is flying off when Murray Brown, who has apparently been hanging around the auction, calls after him. The agent pushes him to sign a deal, and Superman flatly rejects him and flies away. Back inside, Clark finds Lois drowning her sorrows in champagne. She pines over Superman, and Clark tries to reassure her that he really does care about her. He being Superman, not he being Clark. Except Clark is Superman, so I suppose it's all semantics.


Cheer up, Lois. I'm sure he'd love you if you had more money.
Later that night, the invisible man breaks into some old guy's office, strangles the guy, and steals his rare gold coins. What a dick!

The next day at the Planet, Lois is working on the latest robbery story. Clark arrives with a sample of cloth from the invisible man's lab that he has had tested at STAR Labs. The cloth is designed to use flourescent light to make someone appear to be invisible, and Lois counts this as a victory in the "there's no such thing as an invisible man" argument because the guy isn't actually invisible, he just appears that way. What is it going to take to convince this broad? Does the guy's skin have to be invisible? Because, if I recall correctly, there's an episode of The X-Files about that, and the guy gets hit by a car because he can't ever turn visible again and he wanders out into traffic. And also because he's an idiot. Anyway.

That night, Lois and Jimmy are working late at the office, Jimmy having collected as much information as possible about armed robberies over the last 10 years. What they hope to prove with this information is beyond me. As they look through the info, someone dressed like Claude Rains approaches them and pronounces dramatically that he is the invisible man. Lois pulls the bandage off of his perfectly visible nose and tells him to get lost, and he scampers off in shame. Lois spies three more people waiting for her, all dressed exactly the same, and decides to go home, leaving Clark alone at his desk.


It's shit like this that makes Lois Lane a laughing stock.
Later, Clark has a nightmare in which he is taunted by Planet staffers dressed as Superman. They fly around, cackle, and are just generally meany poopheads to him.


Welcome to your nightmare, dear reader.
Meanwhile, at Lois's apartment, a knock comes at the door, rousing her from bed. She goes to the door to find no one there, but when she re-enters the apartment a disembodied head greets her. It's the invisible man! Lois screams and faints. I think I would probably do the same in that situation, so I can't mock her for this. And I applaud her for keeping control of her bladder.


Hey, it's that guy's head!
The next day, Clark & Lois are talking to the invisible man, whose name is Alan. He explains that he became the invisible man in order to help people, but that whoever is committing crimes in his name is not him. He explains that someone must have stolen one of his backup suits, and asks Lois & Clark to help him stop whoever did it. Lois says that they really need Superman's help, but that he's probably getting ready to appear on his own TV show by now. "Superman on TV?" Clark says, "I don't think so." Meta! And, also, I agree, Clark. Clark and Alan leave Lois's apartment, but not before getting a glimpse of her Superman pajamas. So let me get this straight. Throughout the episode Lois has bitched and bitched about how Superman is selling out and going all commercial - she remembers his earlier work, back when he had standards, man - but, at the same time, she's supporting that commercialism by buying Superman pajamas? This just in: Lois Lane is a hypocrite.


This image = my boyhood fantasies.
That same night, a figure in a fedora and trenchcoat is walking down the rainy street. He passes a wanted poster for Henry Barnes, the escaped thief mentioned at the beginning of the episode, and as he steps into the light you can see that it's Barnes himself. How convenient for the viewer! Though it might have also helped if he was wearing prison stripes and a nametag. Back at Clark's apartment, Clark and Alan are chillin' like two cool dudes do. Alan says that Clark can't imagine having someone not see the part of him that he wants them to see, but Clark says that he understands. Then, rather abruptly, Clark has to leave, probably to do Superman stuff, leaving Alan alone.

He didn't have to do Superman stuff, though, he just had to go to Smallville to whine to his parents about how popular the Superman brand has become. He's afraid that he won't be able to keep up with it, and that he's losing himself to the Superman suit. Of course, his parents aren't helping, having collected a nice assortment of memorabilia themselves. It's nothing compared to my collection, but it's not a bad start. They assure him, though, that it's not the suit, but the man underneath it that counts.


I just...I don't even know.
The next day, Lois, Clark, Jimmy, and Perry see a news report about the invisible man having released a bunch of criminals. Lois worries that Superman won't be able to stop an army of invisible criminals. The invisible gang plans to rob a huge gold supply, and Lois and Clark determine where they plan to strike next: The Fort Metroplis Gold Repository! Fort Metropolis? Seriously? This show is insulting to my intelligence. I'm sure I thought that this was awesome when I was 10 and I saw this for the first time, but good lord, show, you are just awful.

Clark and Lois head back to Clark's apartment to find Invisible Alan asleep on Clark's couch. He's like their small child, except he's older than both of their ages combined. They share a cup of tea and muse about which powers they would rather have, invisibility or flight. Lois says she always wished she could be invisible, while Clark says he would rather be able to fly. Lois says that they have something in common: Superman (Clark wants to fly like him, she wants to fly with him). It's some awful dialogue, but I have to mention it because they're bonding and I guess that's the point of the show.

The next morning, Lois awakes on Clark's floor to find herself pregnant! Not really, but wouldn't that be a kick in the pants? And so much more interesting than the actual show. Anyway, she really just finds Superman standing before her, which I guess is exciting for Lois, at least. He says he ran into Clark at the courthouse, and that Clark told him they could use his help. He says that she doesn't need to bid for his attention, and that she will always be special to him. Alan wakes up on the couch, and the three set out to figure out a way to stop Barnes and the other inviso-crooks. Superman seems to have an idea of how to do it and he leaves without explaining it to them, and Lois talks Alan into letting her take one of the invisibility suits. Alan agrees, but only if he can go with her.


Dear Invisible Gang, it would help you if
you stayed all the way invisible while wearing
your invisibility suits. Best wishes, Joe.
Lois and Alan come upon the gang robbing the gold repository, where the gang captures them rather easily. Barnes locks Lois and Alan in an air-tight safe and leaves them for dead along with a few other hostages. The invisible men make their escape, opening fire on a bunch of police, when Superman arrives with a bag of phosphorous, which he pours on the invisible crooks, making them visible again.


Superman demonstrates his newest power: Super-Pouring.
As the air runs out in the vault, Superman bursts in and saves Lois, Alan, and the others. As Superman carries her out of the vault, Lois asks Superman how he stopped the crooks, and Superman explains that, in a flourescent light bulb, invisible light becomes visible when it passes through a coating of phosphorous. He stopped them with SCIENCE. Stay in school, kids! Lois swoons that it's the second time Superman has saved her life, and Superman doesn't really return her affection. He prepares to fly off when he is accosted by talent agent Murray Brown yet again. He finally agrees to allow his likeness to be licensed, and Lois is ready to berate him for being a TOTAL SELLOUT, MAN, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, but Superman adds that all the proceeds have to go to charity, so Lois backs off.

The next day, Lois and Clark are with the newly reunited Alan and his wife, who it turns out is named Helene and not just 'invisible man's wife'. Lois & Clark are so happy to see them together again, and Helene whispers something in Lois's ear. The two giggle, and Helene says that Alan is back to his old self again. What did she whisper?! What could it have been?! Will this be like the end of Lost in Translation, and we're left to decide for ourselves what it was?! I can't take this! And no, it doesn't look like any explanation is coming. I will assume that it's something unbelievably dirty and sexual, since that's what Sex & The City has taught me that women talk about when they don't think that men can hear them. Alan says it's nice to be visible again, and Clark says that it's the man beneath the suit that always mattered. Hey, that's what his mom and dad told him! Awww, Clark learned a lesson in this episode. Isn't that special.


"He did what to your what in the where?"
Later at the Planet, Lois gloats over Clark that she was right all along about there being no such thing as an invisible man. She heads back to her desk, and Clark looks after her longingly. "Yes, there is, Lois. Yes, there is." OUCH.

...

Because Clark is invisible to her. Get it? It's pretty much the only somewhat subtle thing in this whole godforsaken episode, and it still can't help but hit you over the head like Buffy's purse with a brick in it. Try to keep up, please.

REVIEW: Ugh. No, this was just not good. It's not even so much that it was bad, it was just...boring. I couldn't get excited about this episode at all, and I think that, once again, it's because of a lack of Lex Luthor (and yes, I know he was the main baddie in the last episode, but I didn't get to review that one, so maybe it's just my bad luck). As I've said before, Lex is Superman's number one villain, but we spent this whole episode on invisible men and oh my god I just fell asleep because it's so boring. Why couldn't Alan be an employee at LexCorp when he develops the invisibility suit, and after he creates it Lex takes it from him and gives it to one of his goons so that the goon can take on Superman? Look what I did there? I just made the story better.

I can't go on anymore. It was just so dull. I really, really hope the next one is an improvement. And I just read the synopsis, and it looks like Superman boxes robots in the next episode. Because of fucking course he does.

Lois & Clark, Episode 3: Neverending Battle

Note: I think there was some confusion as to how we're doing these reviews. Joe and I reviewed the pilot together and are alternating episodes from now on. We'll also start reviewing some other shows on our own soon. WHOO!

Netflix Synopsis: The staff of The Daily Planet is assigned to uncover more about Superman. Lex Luthor threatens to cause an endless succession of disasters in Metropolis to prove that Superman can't save everyone simultaneously.

Oh, that Lex Luthor, he's incorrigible.

The episode opens, as it so often does, on The Daily Planet office. Perry comes in all, "where are my pictures of Superman?" and Jimmy's like, "wah wah, we don't have them," and Perry says, for realsies, "GREAT SHADES OF ELVIS." What does that even mean? I think he's trying to be intimidating, but he's no J. Jonah Jameson. He calls for a meeting at 6 AM (what?) with blow ups, and I don't know what those are, so I'm going to assume they're blow up dolls.

Meanwhile, Lois and Clark (hey, that's the name of the show!) are working with an artist who is trying to sketch a picture of Superman. Clark! Take off your glasses! That might help. They discuss whether or not Superman ever wants to "get down" if you know what I'm saying and I think you do. Cat, of course, says she wants to take him for a test drive, which is gross, and Lois tries to pretend she wasn't thinking the same thing. Also, she's mean to Clark a whole bunch. I feel like I shouldn't have to say that anymore. From now on, if Lois and Clark are in the same scene, let's assume that Lois is being mean to him.

Superman is Hulking out.

Lex Luthor is on his balcony looking at pigeons with what looks like a viewfinder. A bird dive bombs into the cement and dies. Suicide bird! Did Lex kill that bird with his mind powers? I know this episode aired like a billion years ago but still...topical.

How do you change the picture?

Lex reads some newspapers and they're all about Superman. He's totally jealous. He is the Gretchen Wieners to Superman's Regina George.  Also, it turns out he didn't make any birds commit suicide, but his hawk did eat all the pigeons Lex had been looking at. I'm sorry that I misled you all.

Back to The Daily Planet! It's the 6 AM meeting but there are no blow up dolls anywhere. What a tease. Perry is yelling at everyone for not getting the Superman story yet. Why doesn't Clark just put on his outfit and go find someone at The Daily Planet who can take some pretty pictures of him or something? Sort of like how Peter Parker used to take pictures of himself being Spidey. Peter Parker is way smarter than Clark Kent, yes?

Lois yells at everyone that SUPERMAN IS HERS. Because he saved her that one time. Clark and Cat make fun of her. I approve of this. Then Cat hits on Clark and puts a magnifying glass up to her cleavage. Subtle.

LOVE ME.

Clark gets a phone call from, we're assuming, someone tipping him off to Superman's whereabouts. Lois overhears and follows him. Naturally. It turns out he's just checking out an apartment that he's thinking about renting.The apartment is gross. The water runs black, there are cobwebs everywhere, and the floor is littered with garbage. Clark, your prison cell is better than this place. Lois burts in demanding to see Superman, and of course he's not there (well...he is...because Clark is there...but you know what I mean) and Clark is all, "Ur dum. You cannot has Superman."  Clark thinks in LOLcat sometimes.  Not a lot of people know that.

Meanwhile, Lex is holding some sort of focus group or something on Superman. They're all in a dark room. It looks sort of like the war room in that movie Joe's always trying to get me to watch. Lex wants to know how powerful Superman is. More powerful than an avalanche? A locomotive? Can he leap tall buildings in a single bound?  (Probably, probably, and why would he do that when he can fly?)

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the war room.

Some lady is all, "he's still a man," because she wants to ride Superman's locomotive. All women do, amirite, ladies? Actually, she's just pointing out that Superman, because he is a man, is weak. Lex explains that he's going to test Superman. The lady is all, "can't we just shoot him?" and Lex is like, "no, and I'll explain why we can't just shoot him by using a lot of words so Jennie gets really bored."

Over at the newsroom, Lois overhears something on her police scanner. There's trouble! Right here in River City! Lois assumes that Superman will show up, which is actually pretty smart, because he likes to save people and stuff.  This dude is threatening to jump off of a building and I guess that's bad, although it really doesn't seem like anyone's business except the dude threatening to jump but WHATEVER.  Hey! That dude is one of Lex's dudes! He was also in Juwanna Man. You're welcome.

Superman music! He flies down and tells the jumper all the normal stuff...you don't want to do this, you have so much to live for, blah blah blah. The jumper was never going to actually jump ANYWAY so he's all, "sweet, let's go get some cappuccino."

Lex is watching from, like, a dark cave or something and he tells one of his minions to push the annoying lady from earlier off of another building. She screams, like I assume one does when one is thrown off of a building. Superman saves her. Obviously. Yawn. Lex says that Superman saved her, "faster than a speeding bullet." Oh no they didn't.

Clark, of course, pretends that he saw the whole thing once Lois finally shows up. He says he's going to call the story in, but Lois convinces him to just start writing it instead. Without telling anyone. Oh, she's up to something. That wily minx.

The next day, Lucy Lane brings Lois some lunch at The Daily Planet. Lois yells at Lucy for being out all night (With Jimmy, perhaps?  Ooh la la!) and Lucy shames Lois for stealing Clark's story. SISTERS. So Lois stole Clark's story. Of course. But she feels really bad about it. She uses her Lois!Logic and somehow blames it on Superman. And then she refuses to apologize to Clark.

Clark comes over to yell at her and she insists that one day he'll thank her for being a total see you next Tuesday. He storms off and some random dude walks up to Lois, asking for Eduardo Somethingsomething. He pretends to be all annoyed and mentions that he's going to another newspaper with his story about Superman.

Lois follows him, of course. She bullies him into a conference room and Clark bitches to Jimmy about Lois. He asks if Lois is always so aggressive when going after a story, and Jimmy says, "yeah, pretty much," but then admits that she's being even worse about the Superman story. Probably because Superman is all dreamy but that's just a guess.  Clark says someone ought to teach her a lesson. Jimmy says that Godzilla could teach Lois a lesson (huh?), which I suppose is true if the lesson they want to teach her is...don't get stepped on? I don't know.  Jimmy's kind of a tool.

Perry has Jimmy fixing his foot massager and it makes Jimmy sad. He's a journalist! Not Mr. Fixit! Clark advises him to stand up for himself but, let's face it, Jimmy is the Zeppo and will never stand up for himself.  Perry sends Clark and some random guys out to cover a story about a bomb. Jimmy tries to go but Perry yells at him and GUESS WHAT Jimmy just slinks away like a kicked puppy.

Lois is interviewing the random dude from earlier, whose name is Mr. Cleveland. He says that Superman is an alien, from the planet Tropax. He says he's been on the ship. So...Mr. Cleveland nuts, basically. He tells Lois that he's up for reelection and that his first name is Grover. Uuuuuugh.  Sometimes I want to punch this show in the face.

While Lois is preoccupied with Faux-ver Cleveland, Superman shows up at the bomb site. Lex blows up the building after Superman runs inside. Superman comes out of the building, looking fine (awww yeah), and Lex calls him a "man of steel." I wish they'd stop doing that.

They find Lex's cameras inside the building and deduce that someone lured Superman there in order to set off the bomb. Lois gets all sad for poor Superman, probably because of their "connection." "Who would want to kill Superman?" she asks. Clark doesn't say anything, I guess because he's wondering the same thing. He's probably a bit more invested, though, since he's the dead one in the "LET'S KILL SUPERMAN!" scenario.

Later, Clark is on the phone with his mom, asking her how to get the bomb stains out of his costume. Sure. His dad is totally worried about Clark, thinking that someone is trying to kill his son, and it's adorable. Clark tells them he's fine and gets to renovating his craphole apartment. He turns on some crappy 90s music and uses his powers to make his apartment less craphole. There are some hijinks involving his landlord sort of witnessing this mysterious renovation, but it's too stupid to spend time on. So. Moving on.

Clark's back in the newsroom, doing whatever it is journalists do when they're not being almost blown up or sneaking onto space stations or stealing stories. It looks boring. Lois tries to worm herself into working with Clark. And it works. Because she's pretty, I guess. It's sure not because of her charm. They discuss the two would-be jumpers that Superman saved and, well, there's weird stuff going on. Obviously.

Jimmy comes over and says he has an idea for how to track Superman but Perry yells at him about...soda...before he can tell them. Jimmy storms into his office, looking like he's going to yell and finally stand up for himself, but instead tells Perry that he's a huge Elvis fan. That leads to an Elvis speech from Perry and I'd tell you what he said but I fell asleep.

Lois and Clark discover that both jumpers worked for LexCorp. DUN DUN DUUUUUN.

Lex is busy picking out some new suits. He orders a dozen. He likes to suit up, just like Barney.

Superman shows up to yell at Lex for putting people in danger.  "You want to know how strong I am?" he asks, and bends a sword in half, which is really no big deal. Any bending robot can do the same thing.

"You want to know how fast I am?" he asks, picks up a gun, shoots at a wide-eyed Luthor, and then catches the bullet before it can hit him.  That's a dangerous game.  Can you imagine if he'd juuuust missed that bullet?  SuperOopsies. 

Lex calmly asks if that concludes his demonstration, because Lex is a badass. Superman tells him the tests are over but Lex is all, "I'm not saying it was me, but it was totally me and I'm not going to stop, ever, because my daddy didn't love me." He has daddy issues, right? Lex tells Superman that as long as he stays in Metropolis, innocent people will die.

This sends Clark into a tailspin of guilt, even though it's totally not his fault, and he doesn't know what to do. His parents are nice to him and offer to help, but he's still all emo when he leaves their house. He flies around the city for a bit and then goes back to his not-so-craphole apartment. He gets out a suitcase and folds his Superman outfit into it. No! What will give you purpose now, Clark?

The next day, Lois is sketching Superman's S symbol onto a piece of paper and wonders where Superman has been because no one has seen him for three days. Cat says Clark looks depressed and tries to cheer him up with her boobs but Clark is NOT. IN. THE. MOOD. Lois asks Jimmy how they should find Superman but his idea is totally stupid. Just like Jimmy. Anyway, his idea is that Superman is an alien, right? So he must have a spaceship. If they find his spaceship, they find Superman. Oh, Jimmy. Go away.

Lois and Clark look sad some more. Lois walks away with her sad pad of paper and sits at her desk.  She makes a phone call to get some satellite images, I guess to find Superman's alien spaceship. Clark is all, "We're listening to Jimmy now? OH, FML." He sits at his desk and devises the stupidest plan imaginable. He draws a map, superfast, and it looks like a 10 year old drew it. Just...here.

And you know my name is Simon...and I like to do drawrings.

He calls someone to get a messenger to pick up his map and take it to Lois's apartment later. This...this is just so stupid. I mean, Lois is a reporter, right? So I'm thinking she could easily track this map back to Clark, given that he just called for a messenger to pick this map up FROM HIS DESK.

Lex is staring off of his balcony, rejoicing in the fact that Superman hasn't shown up in so long. His manservant is all, "shall I bring your guest in?" and Lex is all, "sure, fine, whatever," and there's a cheerleading outfit sitting on a chair nearby. WHAT. This is never explained so I think we can safely assume that Lex has a cheerleader fetish.

Lois is watching a riot or something on TV. Superman isn't around to save anyone so SHIT IS GOING CRAZY. Lois wishes that Superman would come back and Clark thinks it just so she can get a great story. But Lois HAS LAYERS and insists that she doesn't even care about that story, it's that Metropolis needs Superman. She gives Clark an inspirational speech and it's a good thing Clark is Superman, because I bet it helped. She leaves and Clark goes home to get his pretty costume out and he flies around the city, looking for trouble or kittens in trees.

There are some men outside The Daily Planet, hanging up a new sign. This isn't going to end well, right? A little old lady and two adorable blond girls are holding hands and laughing and OH NO the sign is going to fall on them! One of the girls drops her teddy bear as they run to safety, and of course she goes back to get it. You know what? Maybe this is controversial but if that little girl is stupid enough to run after her bear and get crushed by a sign...maybe we should just let it crush her. Survival of the fittest, you know? This is also why I think school zones are stupid, too. Let's thin the herd, the world is overpopulated.

Superman saves the little girl, of course, and it's pretty cute. Lex decides to stop his testing because...I don't now, he's probably bored. I know I am. Anyway, he decides that Superman is the opponent he's been waiting for. Also, I think he has a crush on Superman. He says that Superman is tough, but not unbeatable, because he has morals and Lex doesn't. Lex Luthor is no one's bitch.

Lex sends his hawk, Faust, out to hunt. "Let's go kill some pigeons," he says and Faust is all, "CAW!" or whatever hawks say.  Why does Lex hate pigeons so much? 

Everyone is happy happy joy joy back in the newsroom. Especially when Lois comes in, covered in mud and carrying her broken heel. Oh. Right. Clark's map to Superman's spaceship. Lois got it and followed it. All she found was a Godzilla doll dressed as Superman. Remember how Jimmy said Godzilla was the only one who could teach Lois a lesson? Har har, show.

So. Lois is pretty pissed. She's even more pissed to see that Clark got the Superman story. Clark is smug and Lois is mad and everyone else is happy. I guess they used up their party planning money in the pilot, though, because there are no balloons around. Maybe only Lois Lane's stories get a party.

Lesson learned: don't follow maps drawn by 10-year-olds.

Clark's "lesson" to Lois inspires Jimmy to finally stand up for himself. Perry's all, "good for you, kid," and he's not mad at all so Jimmy probably should have done that a long time ago.

A calmer Lois approaches Clark later and congratulations him for winning. Then she's mean to him again. And refuses to work with him as a team. She's all, "we'll never be a we," and he's like, "we'll see," and she says, "how long can you hold your breath?" and walks away. He grins and says, "a very long time," and it's totally cheesy but I'm sure I loved it when I was 12 and wanted Lois and Clark to get married and have all the babies.

REVIEW: This episode wasn't all that terrible, really, probably because Lex Luthor was in it and he makes everything more entertaining. I like his hair, it's very curly. Really, since he's the number one bad guy and Superman's arch nemesis, it would make sense for him to be in every episode, so hopefully he'll be around a lot more as the season progresses. I still don't know what he has against pigeons, though.

Lois & Clark, Episode 2: Strange Visitor (From Another Planet)

Netflix Synopsis: Lois and Clark become the targets of a military UFO investigator who is determined to destroy Superman.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. In this episode, Lois and Clark meet Mulder and Scully. Though I don't think Mulder was ever really out to destroy aliens. Maybe it's Doggett, not Mulder. Either way, this will hopefully be entertaining.

As the episode opens, Clark is in the office writing a story about adopted kids, and Lois mocks him, saying that it's all been done before. She doesn't say that she thinks orphans are stupid or anything, but you can tell she just thinks they're boring. Clark explains that his angle is that it must be hard for adopted kids to not know who their parents were or where they came from. It's obvious to anyone with eyes that Clark is talking about himself, but Lois completely misses it.

Suddenly, federal agents burst into the Daily Planet with a warrant to seize whatever they want, and to arrest Lois and Clark. The lead agent is looking for Superman. But Clark is Superman! How will he get out of this one?

That was the cold open, and now we have our first appearance of the actual credits to the series. They would be all well and good if they didn't include the absolutely awful green screen scene from the pilot of Clark saving Lois and Jimmy from the exploding warehouse. Honestly, that scene just looks terrible. There was a similar scene in the opening credits to Smallville for years that always annoyed the hell out of me. The effect is anything but seamless, they might as well have shown you the wires everyone is wearing. Ugh. Four seasons of seeing that scene in the credits might just drive me insane.


Yep. That's the one.

Back to live action, and Clark and Lois are debating letting the feds force them to take polygraph tests. Clark is worried about the polygraph because DUH he's Superman, and one of his super-powers is clearly not 'controlling my heart rate so that I can beat a lie detector'. Fun fact: the polygraph was co-created by William Moulton Marston, who also created Wonder Woman. Who carries a lasso of truth. WHOA. I just blew your mind. You're welcome.

Eventually they agree to submit to the test, and Lois goes first. In the course of the questioning, the feds discover that Lois is in love with Superman. That one time that they flew around the city together in the last episode was all it took, apparently. Next it's Clark's turn. While calibrating the machine, the lead federal investigator (who still does not have a name at this point, that's how completely generic a character he is) asks Clark if he is Superman. Superman Clark answers yes, and the needle doesn't move because he's telling the truth. The feds are baffled, so they ask the question again. Clark answers yes, and this time he uses his super-breath to make the needle move to indicate that he is lying. What follows is easily the most awkward interview between two people since Crispin Glover appeared on Letterman. Clark is so nervous about not lying that, at one point, he (and the chair he is sitting in) floats into the air. Luckily they crash to the floor before the feds notice, making these guys the worst investigators ever. Eventually they're called away, but not before the lead investigator tells Clark that he knows he's lying because he can see it in Clark's eyes. I'm sure the fidgeting, the sweating, and the accidental flight had nothing to do with it, either.

Perry advises Lois and Clark to avoid being subpoenaed to federal court, and the ever-ignorable Cat Grant, dressed smartly in a hideous floral-print pant...thing (is it a leotard? It's all one piece, I have no idea what it is) takes this as her opportunity to hit on Clark.


Seriously, what is this?

Clark must be the dumbest person ever because he agrees to go back to Cat's place with her. When they arrive, Cat changes into a sweatshirt and jeans and actually looks like a normal person for once in her life. She pours them both glasses of wine, then sets forth in seducing Clark with all the subtlety of a steamroller when his pager goes off. Perry is calling he and Lois back to the office. When he gets there, Lois gives Clark crap for having been at Cat's place (she's feisty, that Lois), and Perry reveals that the warrant that the feds brought them was a fake. Lois and Clark are tasked with finding out who these people are.

The next day, Lois and Clark are working in the office when Cat arrives, dressed again like a dime-store prostitute. She acts all innuendo-y with Clark, and after she walks away, Jimmy tells Clark that the news of he and Cat's tryst is all over the newsroom.

After catching a break on the story, Lois and Clark head out to interview George Thompson, who apparently works for the government. Before they arrive Thompson is on the phone yelling at a man called Trask. He tells Trask that he will take care of the problem with these two reporters. He tells Lois and Clark that he is investigating who the fake feds are, and Clark uses his x-ray vision on Thompson's briefcase and sees a file folder marked Smallville, Kansas, 1966 (presumably the year that Clark's ship landed). Lois and Clark then storm out of his office because Lois doesn't like the way he's talking to them. She's asking the questions around here, mister!

Outside, Lois and Clark split up. Clarks changes into Superman and flies off, while Lois decides that it's a good idea to follow Thompson, who she spies outside of the building. She follows him to a warehouse, where he loses her trail. Inside, Thompson meets with the head federal investigator from the Planet, who is also the man he was talking to on the phone. Trask insists that Superman is the 'advance guard' for invading aliens, and the two men talk about something called Bureau 39 and how Trask is jeopardizing the operation. Thompson orders Trask to stop what he's doing, and Trask backhands Thompson insolently. He's going rogue, like Sarah Palin. Oh golly!

Meanwhile, back in Smallville, Clark has dinner with his parents, and they tell him about when they found him after his ship crashed. Clark doesn't seem to know if he's an alien or some sort of Russian experiment. Pa Kent reveals that he never destroyed the ship Clark arrived in, and he leads Ma and Clark out to where he buried the ship. Clark digs up the site at superspeed to discover that the ship is missing. Dun dun DUN.

After the commercial break and back at the Planet, Clark and Lois are looking at microfilm. In an old newspaper photo, Lois recognizes the person who stormed the Planet as Jason Trask, and they decide to follow up on this. At Clark's desk, Clark confronts Cat about the rumors that are going around, and is then called into Perry's office, presumably because Perry saw Clark talking to Cat. It is here that we are introduced to Perry's obsession with Elvis. He tells some story about some woman that Elvis was supposed to marry but he didn't because some colonel in the army told him not to. In this metaphor, Clark is Elvis and Perry is the colonel. It's really awful. Thankfully Lois interrupts with news that Thompson is dead. Yay!

Later, Lois and Clark are interviewing one of the men who was in the photo with Trask. The old man tells them about the advanced security measures that will surely be surrounding Trask and Bureau 39. He then gives them a key card to the building, pulls out a gun, and tells them to leave by the count of three. Presumably after he got to three and Lois and Clark were gone he shot himself with the gun. Not that they would ever have shown that on this show, but Jennie insists that, if this was the X-Files, that's definitely what would have happened.

Having gone back to the warehouse, Clark and Lois break in to Bureau 39. They wander around looking at photos and artifacts. Lois is skeptical that any of this is really from outer space (Scully), while Clark is more willing to accept the possibility (Mulder). After a few moments of wandering, Clark uncovers a ship that he identifies as the ship he came to Earth in, based on the giant Superman S-symbol that is engraved on the front of the ship. He pulls out some sort of an orb that begins to glow in the presence of the ship. This orb hasn't been seen before at all on the show, but presumably it came with Clark in the ship? No explanation for this whatsoever. Clark recognizes the orb as being a model of Krypton just in time for he and Lois to be discovered by Trask. Lois acts all smug about Superman coming to save them, and Trask tells them that he's counting on it. Remember that scene in Batman Forever when Nicole Kidman tells Jim Carrey that Batman is going to save her, and Jim Carrey says that he's counting on it? It's just exactly like that, except Trask isn't wearing question-mark-covered spandex, and Teri Hatcher is nowhere near as hot as Nicole Kidman.


Yes, Jim Carrey, that was over the top, and you can always tell.

Next we have an interlude between Jimmy Olsen and Lucy Lane, Lois's sister. A few times before in the episode Jimmy mentioned that he was thinking of asking Lucy out (I didn't mention this earlier because it clearly was not important to the overall plot of the episode at all). Jimmy tells Lucy that Lois hasn't checked in with the Planet, and Lucy shrugs it off. He then takes this opportunity to ask Lucy out on a date, and Lucy accepts, even though she's just met Jimmy and he basically wormed his way into the apartment so he could see her. I have to say, I take issue with the way the women on this show act. More on this later.

Aboard some sort of fighter jet, Lois and Clark are preparing for their imminent deaths. Lois says something about how she's afraid she'll never meet her true love, and it's a heartwarming moment except that it's not because why is she worrying about this right now? Lois Lane is a smart, headstrong woman. Shouldn't she be trying to figure out a way to get out of this situation? Luckily for her, Trask has a good idea. He's going to throw Clark and Lois out of the plane and hope that Superman arrives to rescue one or both of them. And if he doesn't, oh well, no big loss.

Lois is first, because Trask is a gentleman and ladies should always be thrown out of planes first. She makes one last request, though - she wants to kiss Clark goodbye. WHAT. PSYCH, it was totally a trick so that she and Clark could turn on their captors. A skirmish ensues, Trask throws Lois out of the plane, and Clark dives after her. He takes this opportunity to change into Superman and saves Lois. As he catches her, he STARES STRAIGHT AT THE CAMERA and uses his super-break-the-fourth-wall powers to freak me the fuck out. Seriously. The amount of time that he spends staring at the camera is totally creepy.


"Hi, my name is Superman, and I'm peering into your soul right now."

Meanwhile, on the fighter jet, Trask orders the firing of a missile - directly at Superman! Superman quickly puts Lois down (conveniently back at the Daily Planet), and manages to catch the missile. As he does so the missile explodes and Superman is caught in the blast. Trask and his cronies sneer with delight at having killed that Commie alien scum, and they make their escape onboard the fighter jet. Lois staggers into the Planet, where she reunites with Clark, who is apparently unscathed. Later, Lois and Clark lead Perry, Jimmy, and a bunch of federal stormtroopers agents to the warehouse where Bureau 39 had been set up, only to find the place empty. Lois cries cover-up and plans to write the story with Clark, but Perry puts the kibosh on it seeing as they have no evidence and nothing to corroborate their stories but each other.

That evening, Lois is working late at the Planet (read: she's throwing nuts into the air and catching them in her mouth) when Superman floats up to her desk. He promises to find Trask and the others, and Lois interviews Clark Superman about his origins and his motives. He explains that he's from another planet, and that he's here to help. As he answers her questions, he hears a kitten trapped in a tree, and tells Lois that he has to leave. Lois should really take this as a hint: kittens trapped in trees are a higher priority to Superman than she is. Still, she's left with a warm, fuzzy feeling inside as she sets out to write her story about Superman. Or maybe she just has to pee. That's probably more likely.

REVIEW: This episode was definitely...uh...shorter? Than the last one. Actually, it wasn't all terrible. The idea of government agents being after Superman is totally plausible, and would have been really entertaining if it had been carried out in a less boring manner. The antagonist, Trask, is so cookie-cutter that it's laughable. His dialogue is bad, his motives are boring, even his face is kind of bland. We also get some more whoring from Cat Grant, which I'm pretty sure we can expect to see all season (if memory serves, she is mercifully gone by season 2). She does manage to be a little less annoying in this episode than she was in the pilot, so that is somewhat refreshing.

My biggest complaint about the episode is that Lex Luthor was completely absent. He's Superman's #1 bad guy, and he makes not a single appearance in this episode. Instead he is replaced by lame thug #347. Things will surely improve once he returns. Overall, though, this wasn't as bad as the pilot, but it's still pretty rough. The show is in its infancy at this point. Hopefully the addition of a little more Luthor (and a little more Jimmy Olsen doing something useful) and the subtraction of one Cat Grant will help things along.