The X-Files: Jersey Devil

From what I remember, Mulder falls in love with a wild woman in this episode. That's...about all I remember.

NEW JERSEY, 1947

Some family is driving along a deserted road, singing Bingo, which I didn't realize existed in 1947. They're having way too much fun but don't worry, soon they blow a tire so no more fun for them! The dad knocks his flashlight into the woods while he's changing the tire. He says "darnit," though, not FUDGE. Oh, man, he straight up gets dragged into the woods while his wife watches. Sorry, wife, he's probably dead.

The next day, some dogs and men scout the area but everyone knows that the dogs do all the work in this kind of situation. They find the dead dad, minus one leg, which was eaten off. Someone barfs and it wasn't me, I swear. They find someone, "as tall as a house," in a cave or something and because they're ascared, they all shoot it a million times with a million guns.

Credits! 

FBI HEADQUARTERS
WASHINGTON, D.C.

Hey guess what, it's time for Mulder to present a crazy case to Scully so she can shoot down all of his theories. Scully enters the office and finds Mulder reading a nudie magazine. At work. Sure.

The FBI's HR department is very lenient.

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Doctor Who: The Unquiet Dead

Previously on Doctor Who...the Doctor invited Rose to be his companion, she said yes, and they went to the future to fix some fucked up shit. So now, naturally, they're going to the past to (probably) fix some fucked up shit.

The episode opens with some guy wandering around an old-timey house. We discover he's an undertaker when he comforts a young man who is standing over the dead body of his old aunt or something. The undertaker gives the young man a moment to himself and that's when his aunt comes back to life, kills him, and then escapes from the funeral home.

WE'VE GOT ZOMBIES, Y'ALL.

The undertaker, whose name is Mr. Sneed, orders his assistant or maid or something, Gwyneth (not GOOP Gwyneth, but Gwen Cooper from Torchwood only not really never mind, but anyway, I'll be calling her GOOP) to go find the zombie lady. Meanwhile, the Doctor is telling Rose they're going to 1860 and, with her help, he lands the TARDIS. They fall to the floor (they need to work on the landing) and giggle because they are BFF.

Was it good for you?

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Doctor Who, Episode 2: The End of the World

Netflix synopsis: The Doctor and Rose board the TARDIS and travel to the year 5 billion, the eve of Earth's apocalypse. As various alien emissaries gather to witness the end, one among them has deadly intentions.

The episode begins where the last one ended, with Rose running straight into the TARDIS. The Doctor asks if she wants to go to the past or to the future and here is where Rose and I differ: I would pick going to the past (because of dinosaurs) but she chooses to go to the future. They start by going 100 years into the future, then 10,000 (to the new Roman empire), but the Doctor says that's totally boring. Rose teases the Doctor all, "You think you're so impressive," and he's like, "I AM so impressive," which...yeah. He takes the bait, though, and sets the TARDIS for KICKASS.

They end up in what looks like a spa. But then big window appears and it turns out they are in the best spa ever, floating high above the Earth. IN SPACE. They're 5 billion years in the future, which is way more than 100 years (MATH). They watch the sun rise over the Earth and the Doctor welcomes Rose to the end of the world. Uh, downer. Nice view, though.

Best date ever?

It turns out they're on some space station called Platform One that's orbiting the Earth. Everyone is there for the big Earth Death party. In the future, rich people watch planets burn up for funsies and the Earth is set to burn in half an hour. You know, this seems like an odd place to take Rose for the first time. That's her home and it's about to burn up in the sun. Anyway, the Doctor explains this all to Rose very matter-of-factly, and Rose wonders whether that's what the Doctor does...runs in and saves the Earth at the last minute. Which...yes, but not this time. He says the Earth's time is up, but not to worry, because all the people have left. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE DUCKS? WHAT OF THE POOR, BABY ANIMALS?!

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The X-Files: Deep Throat

Netflix synopsis: Mulder and Scully investigate the mysterious case of a military test pilot who disappeared after experiencing strange psychotic behavior.

It's been years and years since I've seen this episode and this is what I remember: Crazy pilots getting kidnapped, a crazy pilot pulls out his hair and makes fishing lures? Seth Green. Introduction of Deep Throat, Mulder's first informant. Lots of running from helicopters. Um...

NEAR ELLENS AIR BASE,
SOUTHWEST IDAHO

A SWAT team storms a normal suburban house in a normal suburban neighborhood. A woman crosses the police line, demanding to be let through. Her name is Mrs. Budahas and it's her house they're breaking into, thank you very much. The SWAT guy in charge tells her that they're looking for her husband, Colonel Budahas, because he did something bad with some military secrets, which is a no-no.

They break down the door and storm like a SWAT team does. Mrs. Budahas is losing her shit. They find her husband inside and see him before we do. The scared dude who finds him says Budahas is going to need a doctor. Cut to...Colonel Budahas, covered in a gross rash or burns or something. And he's in his underwear. That has to be embarrassing.

Is every episode gonna start with a weird skin thing?

Credits! First time ever! This is Mark Snow's first episode, he of the spooky music-making.

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Scully is at a bar, wearing her glasses and working on something instead of getting drunk like a normal person. You guys, Scully is such a loser sometimes. Mulder comes from behind (heh) and gets all up in her business. He offers to buy her a drink and she's all judgy because it's 2 PM. Whatever, Scully, it's five o'clock somewhere. They get a table because Mulder wants to show her something he couldn't show her at work. Heeheehee.

You're coming on a little strong, Mulder.

It's not his penis, though (bummer). He wanted to show her a file about Colonel Budahas. The Colonel's been hospitalized since we last saw him, but no one will say for what, even though Mulder has I'M SURE been asking in the nicest way possible. Mrs. Budahas hasn't seen her husband in four months and instead of being happy that she gets the whole bed to herself, she reports it to the FBI as a kidnapping.

Mulder tells Scully that six pilots have been reported missing from Ellens Air Base since 1963. He's pissed (as usual) because this case has been shelved for no reason, even though a dude is totally missing. So. They're going to Idaho. Whoo. Hoo. Scully wonders why he wants to investigate when there's nothing paranormal going on. Oh, Scully. Just wait.

Mulder goes to the bathroom, which hardly ever happens on TV shows. This is relevant, I swear. After he washes his hands (whew), he leans down to splash water on his face. When he looks up, there is a man standing behind him, the same man who gave Mulder and Scully the hairy eyeball when they were walking through the bar earlier. This man is Jerry Hardin. You might recognize him from such films as The Firm or, like, a buttload of TV shows. Or you might recognize him because he's Deep Throat on The X-Files, bitches! That's kind of a spoiler because no one calls him Deep Throat in this episode, but I didn't want to keep calling him "that guy" this whole recap.

Deep Throat tells Mulder to leave this case alone. He wants to help Mulder and has an interest in Mulder's work (that makes at least two people) but he won't tell Mulder who he is or who he works for. Deep Throat cautions Mulder that he's exposing himself and Agent Scully to risks, which seems reasonable, but we know Mulder never listens to reason so this is really the wrong tack to take with him. Deep Throat says some more cryptic-y things and leaves the restroom. Mulder rushes after him and looks frantically around the bar, but Deep Throat has disappeared.

Creepy.

F.B.I. HEADQUARTERSMARRIETTE FIELD
SOUTHWEST IDAHO

A plane lands. Mulder and Scully knock on someone's door. Mrs. Budahas answers and they introduce themselves. She invites them in and probably gives them some lemonade and cookies because she seems pretty nice. They all sit and Mrs. Budahas tells them that she first noticed her husband was acting weird about two years ago. He got a rash that they attributed to some paint at the time, but then his personality changed. One night, at a dinner party, he sprinkled fish food on his plate but I think maybe he was trying to be funny and he's just not very good at it. Then he started yelling at the kids for no reason and having seizures, which I guess is more cause for concern than the fish food thing.

She gets upset and says she wants her husband back. Scully says the government is not above the law but I think we all know that's not true, amirite? ZING! Mrs. Budahas worries that he's dead. Mulder gets impatient and sighs heavily, like he is totally bored. Don't be a dick, Mulder. He asks if this has happened to anyone else and Mrs. Budahas says it happened to Verna McClannen's husband, too.

So. They all take a trip to Verna McClannen's house and watch her husband pull hair out of his head and use the strands to tie flies to fishing lures. Sounds like a good time. Verna doesn't think he's being all that weird, he's just suffering from all the stress of being a test pilot. The fly fishing has been good for him, anyway, so they should just take off their judgy pants and get the eff out. She whisper-yells at Mrs. Budahas for bringing the FBI to her house.

What happens when he runs out of hair?

Mrs. Budahas gives Scully some numbers to call, saying that she's called them already but never gets any answers.

Mulder and Scully leave, and Mulder asks what Scully thought of Uncle Fester (nice, Mulder). She's all, "I will answer your question with science," and then she answers his question with science. DUH. Mulder doesn't think it's a good enough explanation because these are test pilots, not zoo animals (it makes sense, I swear). Scully asks if he's heard of the Aurora Project and of course he has. I haven't, though. Apparently it was an unacknowledged code name for supersecret surveillance planes. Scully posits that Colonel Budahas was one of the test pilots and washed out of the program. Mulder doesn't buy it.

They go back to the hotel. Mulder's cell phone is huge and hilarious.

That's the biggest thing I've ever seen THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID

No one will meet with them, probably because Mulder's already bugged them a million times. Scully says someone named Colonel Kissell will meet with them...a week from Friday. They're not hanging around that long, though, I guess because the FBI won't pay for their Ford Taurus rental for that long. They stalk Colonel Kissell by looking him up in the phone book. Remember phone books? Colonel Kissell won't talk to them and runs into his house after telling them to get the hell out of his yard. He's like Mr. Wilson and Mulder and Scully are like Dennis the Menace.

As they stand on his porch, a man, Paul Mossinger, walks up the driveway to introduce himself. He's a local journalist and has heard that Mulder and Scully are looking into the Budahas disappearance. He's surprised to see them, honestly, because he sees more UFO nuts than FBI agents out there. He asks if they're getting anywhere in the case but Mulder No Comments and starts to get in the car. Mulder stops, though, and asks if Paul has ever seen a UFO. Paul says no and that it's all "hooey" anyway and you can tell Scully wants to jump his bones. Mulder asks where he can talk to a UFO nut. They go to a restaurant called The Flying Saucer.

I want to go to there.

They sit at the counter and eat lunch. Mmm, lunch. There are photos of UFOs along the wall and Mulder asks the waitress behind the counter about them. I shall call her Alice. Alice says she took one of the UFO pictures herself, and offers to sell them one. Mulder says to put it on his tab and Scully calls him a sucker. It's cute. Then Mulder asks how he might see a UFO and Scully leaves in a huff and it's not so cute.

Scully's outside looking at a giant map when Mulder comes out of the diner, and she tells him that Ellens Air Base isn't on it. Mulder knows and doesn't really care because Alice drew him his own map.

This is way better than Clark's map.

OUTSIDE ELLENS AIR BASE
6:04 P.M.

Mulder and Scully drive along a barbwire fence. Mulder stops the car and gets some binoculars out of the trunk. Scully is pissed that he's dragging her on a UFO hunt and snipes that this'll look REAL good on her field report. Low blow, Scully. Mulder isn't listening, though, he's climbing a hill with his binoculars.

When the night falls (my lonely heart calls), we see that Scully is sleeping in the car because she's not here to stakeout aliens, dammit. There's a loud noise and she screams as the rear windshield shatters. Mulder throws her door open, says she's gotta see something (again?) and pulls her out of the car.

9:13 P.M.

They stand on a hill overlooking the fenced-in air base and stare as two bright lights fly around the sky. They can't figure out what they are. Scully says they can't be air craft because aircraft can't move like that, so she says they must be lasers. Sure, Scully. They're lasers.

Whatever, it's just Mr. Weasley's flying car.

The lights disappear into the clouds and there's a huge burst of light. Scully OMGs because what kind of lasers do that? As they watch, another light approaches but RUH ROH, this time it's a helicopter. Two teenagers emerge from a hole in the fence. Mulder yells at them but they run away because, well, a guy in a suit is yelling at them while they sneak out of a military base. Mulder and Scully catch them, of course, because part of FBI training is being able to outrun teenagers. It turns out that the teenagers are a long-haired Seth Green and his girlfriend, Zoe. The helicopter catches up to them FINALLY (I guess Mulder and Scully can outrun helicopters as well as teenagers) but don't worry, they hide behind a tree. They all sigh with relief when it flies away and Seth Green says, "that was extreme." Oh, Seth. You're better than that.

5:02 A.M.

They go to a diner and the teenagers stuff their faces because they are obviously high. Scully asks what they were doing out there in secret-militaryland and they giggle. They explain that they sneak in to see the light show and listen to "tunes." Mulder asks if they've ever been chased out before but they haven't. Seth tells them about a place called the yellow base where they're supposed to store all of their secret UFO crap and you know Mulder is already trying to figure out how to break in. Seth says the yellow base is protected by land mines so they've never tried to make it there.

Some dude is watching from outside the diner in his car, talking conspiratorially into a walkie-talkie. That's never good.

Back in the diner, Seth is demonstrating how the UFOs fly with his hamburger.

Willow never would have dated this guy.

Mulder and Scully are totally getting a kick out of these kids. Mulder shows Seth the UFO picture he bought from Alice at The Flying Saucer.

"Do they look anything like this?" Mulder asks, hope shining out of his eyes like...a hope light.

"No," says Seth and Mulder's face falls. "They look exactly like that." Mulder's happy again. It must be hard to be Mulder.

They drop the kids off at some house. Mulder pulls Seth's scooter out of the trunk and hands it off to Seth. Mulder then says "laaaaater, duuuuude" and I'm so embarrassed for him that I bury my face in my hands. He gets back in the car, puts a tape in the car's tape player and starts rocking out. Scully is annoyed (standard) and turns it off. Mulder's all, "kids today, eh?" and it's adorable. I forgive him for saying "later, dude."

Scully accuses him of believing it all and he's like, "of course I believe it all, have you met me?" She laughs because those kids were obviously stoned and Mulder is obviously dumb. Mulder wants to show her something AGAIN. Mulder, just whip it out already. Anyway, he shows her a photo of the UFO from Roswell (it looks like Alice's UFO picture) and she is ready to scoff. But! Mulder explains that Ellens Air Base is rumored to be one of the sites that the Roswell UFO was shipped to. He thinks the pilots are flying planes built using UFO technology. Scully pokes holes all over his theory even though it totally makes sense. Just because Scully can't explain the lights, doesn't mean she thinks they're UFOs. Yep. That's Scully in a nutshell.

Later, Scully runs into Mulder's hotel room, all excited. Here's your chance, Mulder! But no, she just wants to tell him that Colonel Budahas is home.

They drive to the House of Budahas. Mrs. Budahas answers the door crying. She invites them in and takes them to see her husband, who is just sitting in a chair playing with a model airplane. Aww, that's adorable. Mrs. Budahas claims that he's not her husband. Colonel Budahas looks up from his plane, all confused, and asks who Mulder and Scully are.

Mulder introduces himself and tells him why they're there. He asks where he's been. Budahas says he's been in the hospital. Mulder asks Budahas some simple questions, like his DOB, the names of his kids, and he answers them easily. Still, Mrs. Budahas insists that he's not her husband.

Mulder asks him a pilot question about flying that I don't understand, and apparently Budahas doesn't either because he can't answer it. That's kind of weird, him being a pilot and all. He says he can't remember and is freaked, but when he tries to go to his wife for comfort, she runs away from him. Ouch.

Mulder and Scully leave and Mulder says that someone rewired Colonel Budahas's brain. Scully doesn't believe it OF COURSE and thinks it's just amnesia. Scully says the technology to do what Mulder is suggesting doesn't exist. She also wonders why they would do it, even if they could.

They drive and discuss Colonel Budahas some more. Mulder thinks that humans can't handle flying the planes built with UFO technology, because the human body wasn't made for it. Makes sense. Scully laughs derisively and stops arguing, like she is just DONE having this conversation. Two cars approach from the opposite direction and force them to stop their car. A bunch of dudes in suits and sunglasses get out of the cars and ask them to get out of their car. Men in black, you guys!

Tell me something...do I make this look good?

They manhandle Mulder and Scully a bit, even though they play the FBI card. They don't care about their stinking badges. The MIB take all of their evidence (aww, again?) and destroy the roll of film in Mulder's camera. They cannot catch a break. Mulder asks what's going on, which is a fair question, and gets punched in the kidney. One of the MIB tells them to GTFO of town. So they go back to the hotel, presumably to pack and GTFO of town.

Scully asks who those guys were. Mulder supposes that they weren't chasing Seth and Zoe away from the base the other night, they were chasing them. Mulder admits to Scully that there's something he didn't tell her. "Something else?" she asks, all sarcastic and tired. Oh, Scully. Never change. He tells her about the man, Deep Throat, who approached him in DC and that he thinks his phone was being tapped. Scully wonders why they would bother doing that and she has a point, because (we don't know this yet but) Mulder spends most of his time calling phone sex lines.

In any case, Mulder thinks there's a conspiracy which...NO WAY. He thinks that they'll do anything to protect their secret and their secret is that they have like a billion UFOs all over that base. Mulder says that if that's true, it's basically confirmation of the existence of alien life. Scully thinks it's just a plane that the government is testing, not a UFO, and that they should back off. The kidnap victim they were investigating is back, so she says they should leave. Mulder thinks it over for .5 seconds, says he's going to shower and pack, and then they'll leave. That was... way too easy.

He leaves the room and almost immediately, Scully hears a car start. She runs outside to see Mulder driving away, all General Lee style. He's such a dumbass sometimes.

YEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAW!

Seth and Zoe show Mulder where to sneak into the base, but they won't go in with him because they've never gone in during the day before. Mulder asks how to get to the yellow base but they tell him not to go because it's too dangerous. I'm sure he will listen to reason.

Zoe tells Mulder not to go beyond the tall weeds, so of course he goes beyond the tall weeds. And waits. It gets dark. He walks out onto a runway and stands there all dumbfounded as what looks like a UFO hovers over him.

Samantha?

Mulder probably hopes that he'll get abducted so he won't have to deal Scully later because she is going to be piiiiissed. He doesn't get abducted by aliens, unfortunately, but some military guys do strap him down to a gurney and throw him in the back of one of their vehicles.

Mulder's completely restrained and they inject him with something. I would feel sorry for him but this is his own fault.

6:30 A.M.

Scully is trying to reach DC but having trouble getting an outside line. She tries to use the phone in the hotel lobby, but it's not working either. The guy at the desk blames it on the military base.

Back in Mulder's house of pain, he's being transported through an airplane hanger. He's drugged out of his mind but semi-conscious, so he sees a bit of what's going on. There are men working on ships like the one that hovered above him. It looks like a UFO but it's hard to tell because A) it's behind a plastic that's hanging everywhere and B) Mulder is totally high right now.

Scully walks across the parking lot in time to see Paul Mossinger coming out of her room. He makes an excuse, saying he was just looking for her, but she's suspicious and reaches for her gun. Unfortunately, she left it in her room. I don't think that's what they teach you in FBI school. She hears walkie-talkie noises coming from Paul's car. They eye each other and she makes a break for his car. She locks herself inside and finds a gun and security badge from the base hidden in his glove compartment, so she does the only logical thing and takes him hostage.

Seth and Zoe pull up on their scooter as Scully holds the gun on Paul Mossinger. She finds out from them that they took Mulder to the base and he snuck inside. Scully yells at Paul to get on his walkie talkie and find Mulder, now DAMMIT. She's so badass, you guys. I'd much rather have Scully on my side in a life-or-death situation than Mulder...sure she's teeny, but she's feisty and logical. Plus, Mulder drops his gun all the time. You'll see.

Meanwhile, Mulder is lying, restrained, under a bright light and some dude is messing with his eyes. No! Stop it, that freaks me out. They don't care that I'm freaked out, though, and put some weird eye drops in his eyes.

Scully is in the car with Paul, gun trained on him as he drives her to Mulder. He touches his eye like it hurts...did Scully hit him? Awesome. He says there are other ways to go about this, probably ways that don't involve him getting pistol-whipped by a dimutive redhead, but Scully's not having it. He stops the car in front of the gate leading into the base. Scully orders him to start the car again and to keep his hands on the wheel. You can tell she's nervous but she's keeping it together because she's Scully and she's badass.

A Jeep drives out of the base and stops in front of them. Mulder gets out and walks shakily toward Scully's car. Scully orders Paul out of the car and tells Mulder to get in. Mulder stares at her, all dazed and confused, but finally stumbles his way to the car. Paul walks to the Jeep and, as he passes Mulder, he says that Mulder and Scully have acted inappropriately. Mulder is so high that he doesn't understand English right now so he just turns away and gets in Scully's car.

Laaaater, duuuuude.

Scully gets in the car and quickly drives away. This is so unrealistic. That Paul guy was Mulder's height and Scully's my height (read: short) and she didn't adjust the seat at all before she drove away. I call shenanigans! Anyway, once they're a safe distance from the bad guys, Scully asks if Mulder is OK. He says he thinks so but he doesn't remember how he got there. I hope they didn't break his brain but at least his pretty face is OK.

They stop at the Budahas house because they definitely have time for that. Mrs. Budahas answers the door, they ask how Colonel Budahas is doing, and she says he's fine. She's clearly trying to get rid of them as quickly as possible. Colonel Budahas snaps from inside, "who is it now?" and she speedy quick gets rid of them by basically shutting the door in their faces.

Mulder says "they" got to her. Scully doesn't care anymore and is all, "THAT'S ENOUGH, MULDER." She says they don't know anything more than when they got there. And that's what she's gonna write in her field report. She walks away. Yeah, it's weird.

FBI HEADQUARTERS
WASHINGTON, D.C.
ONE WEEK LATER

Scully is typing her report and voiceovering for our benefit. She says Colonel Budahas is home and doesn't remember shit. She makes it sound nicer than that in her reoprt, though. She writes that Mulder thinks Budahas was flying aircraft built using UFO technology, but Scully says it's inconclusive. She CAN, however, corroborate his account of two unidentified flying objects. CASE CLOSED. Yeah, right.

She leans back, looks at Mulder's UFO picture, and...that's it. This voiceover at the end was added because Fox (the network, not the Mulder) wanted more closure for the episode, thinking the average viewer was too stupid to understand it otherwise. They...may have been right. I don't know. In any case, this show ends up using the report-voiceover technique a whole lot, which is fine, but it's super boring to recap.

While Scully's working, Mulder is running because I guess he doesn't have to write reports yet. Maybe that changes when Skinner starts YOU GUYS WHERE IS SKINNER? Anyway, he needs to stay in shape for the next time he sneaks onto an air base so I guess running is a better use of his time.

So...wanna race?

Deep Throat approaches and says their lives may be in danger because they've seen things they weren't supposed to. Oh, just you wait, Mister. Deep Throat says he can provide Mulder with information as long as it's in his best interest, which is vague and annoying. Mulder says he saw something but they erased it from his brain. Mulder asks what it was. Deep Throat doesn't really answer, though, and they have this exchange:

Deep Throat: Mister Mulder, why are those like yourself, who believe in the existence of extraterrestrial life on Earth, not entirely dissuaded by all the evidence to the contrary?
Mulder: Because, all the evidence to the contrary is not entirely dissuasive.
Deep Throat: Precisely.
Mulder: They're here, aren't they?
Deep Throat: Agent Mulder, they've been here for a long, long time.

Which leads me to...

Favorite quotes:

Scully: You believe it all, don't you?
Mulder: Why wouldn't I?
Scully: Mulder, did you see their eyes? If I were that stoned -
Mulder: Oooh...if you were that stoned, what?

Mulder: Tell me I'm crazy.
Scully: Mulder...you're crazy.

Man in Black: Please step out of the car.
Mulder: (to Scully) Do you think if we ignore them they'll go away?
Man in Black: Please step out of the car.
Mulder: Guess not.

Lois & Clark Episode 5: Requiem for a Superhero

Netflix synopsis: When Lois discovers that her father, Dr. Sam Lane, is helping a corrupt boxing promoter create an army of cybernetic athletes, Superman steps into the boxing ring to defeat the killer robots.

Killer robots. KILLER ROBOTS.

Clark finds a baseball glove and bat on some bleachers. He starts playing baseball with himself, which sounds dirty but it isn't. This seems like a gross abuse of his powers, though, it being broad daylight and all, but I like it because it's exactly the sort of thing I'd do if I had superpowers. No one notices him floating in midair, which is lucky.

Wait...did I win or lose?

Over at The Daily Planet, Perry is mad because one of his poker buddies is flaking on that night's poker game. He asks Clark to join and it's worth noting that Clark's hair is far less mullety than it was earlier in the season. Perry basically bullies him into joining and is pretty excited when Clark says he was never good at poker.

Later that night, Clark, Lois, Jimmy, and some no-names are playing poker with Perry. He's wearing an Elvis jacket. It's ugly. Lois is wearing a stupid hat. Stacy and Clinton would have a field day with this crew.

P-p-p-poker face, p-p poker face.

They show Clark's hand and if I knew how to play poker at all, I'd probably know whether it was good or not. I don't know how to play poker, though, so I guess I'll have to wait and see. The suspense, it's killing me. I don't think Clark really knows whether it's a good hand, either.

Jimmy says Superman would be a great poker player and Perry tells him to shut up. I guess all that standing up for himself that Jimmy did a couple of episodes ago didn't really stick. They all argue about whether or not Superman would use his X-ray vision to cheat. Clark almost does, but at the last minute he folds instead of cheating. What a stand up guy. I would totally cheat but that's probably just another reason it's good that I don't have superpowers.

The next day, Perry tells Lois that she and Clark are going to be partners. She bitches and moans but Perry's not hearing it.

"Howdy, Partner," Clark greets her. Ugh, what a dork.

Perry assigns them a boxing story. Lois is mad because she's too good to report sports and boxing is boooooooring. She didn't say that, I said that. Lois asks if this assignment has anything to do with her "connections." Her father, apparently, is part of the boxing world but we already knew that from the Netflix synopsis because Netflix doesn't believe in NO SPOILERS.

They go to the Menken Gym. Clark tries to impress Lois with his boxing knowledge, but she shuts him down because she's like the Rainman of boxing information or something. Anyway, in the course of their verbal sparring (see what I did there?), it's revealed that her father is Dr. Sam Lane WHICH WE ALREADY KNEW. He does reconstructive surgery on injured athletes, which explains why he's so good at building killer robots OH WAIT sorry, spoilers.

Lois yells a question to one of the fighters, who gets pissed at her and orders her out of the gym. NO GIRLS ALLOWED. That guy's got some sand in his vagina. Some old guy named Allie runs out, tells them to ignore the angry fighter, calls Lois "pumpkin" and gives her one of those spin-around hugs you always see on TV but hardly ever in real life. Lois and Clark try to convince Allie to let them talk to the fighters who'll be fighting in the big match (I don't know) on Saturday but he's hesitant. Actually, he looks like he's about to poop his pants, but I didn't want to be crass.

Sandy Vagina throws a towel at Clark and says he'll talk to them if Clark gets in the ring. Yeah, that's a great idea. Clark climbs into the ring and the roid-case starts throwing punches. Clark is like Mr. Miyagi and doesn't want to abuse his power, so he doesn't hit back. Sandy calls Clark "princess" and taunts him a whole bunch until finally Clark pushes him. Even Superman can't control himself when someone implies that he's a girl. Sigh. Someone stops the fight before it escalates any further, but not before I get wicked bored.

The guy who stopped the fight is Max Menken. They don't tell you that yet, but I'm telling you now because I don't feel like making up a nickname for him. He says that the winner of Saturday's bout is going to fight Superman, which seems to be news to Clark. This is weird...they're advertising that one of the fighters will fight Superman without notifying Superman? Superman needs an agent.

Lois and Clark leave because they are as bored as I am and they run into Lois's dad, Dr. Sam Lane, outside the gym. Lois is definitely not happy to see Daddy Dearest. Lois wants Sam to get them access to the fighters but he says he can't help. He asks Lois if they can have dinner soon and she's noncommittal. Daddy issues.

Lex is on the phone at his house, talking to Max Menken and throwing darts at something off screen. He's blah blah blahing about how much money he has and how fast he makes money and he asks if Max sees his point. Max doesn't. I don't, either, for the record. I think he just likes to call people and threaten them for no raisin. Oh, and he's throwing darts at a cardboard cutout of Superman. You might be wondering where he got a cardboard cutout of Superman. My guess is it's left over from the last episode. Also, he's Lex Luthor, you think he can't get a cardboard cutout of Superman?

Lois has one of these at home, too.

Lois and Clark are at The Daily Planet, working for once. Lois wonders why Clark is still there and Clark says he's working. Pay attention, Lois, I just said that. Lois thinks he's still there because he's waiting for her to open up to him about her daddy troubles because IT'S ALL ABOUT HER. She insists that she doesn't want to talk about her father, so of course she then starts complaining about him and how he was too hard on her, he was never home, he only criticized her, you know, the usual. I think we're supposed to feel sorry for her, but I don't really care.

Allie calls and tells Lois he needs to talk to her. Lois wants to go alone because Allie will be more comfortable talking to someone he knows. Clark doesn't even try to argue and Lois says he surprises her sometimes. I think he just needs some "me" time, if you know what I'm saying and I think you do.

Lois goes to meet Allie, but he's hit by a truck as he crosses the street to see her. I guess he's dead? Lois doesn't try to get help or anything, she just stares sadly down at him and quietly says his name. Call 911, Lois, even if he looks dead. Or do CPR. This is TV, where CPR magically brings people back to life even after they've been hanging from a tree for who knows how long YES I'M TALKING TO YOU, LOST. [link warning: SAD LOST MUSIC AHOY] That is my least favorite TV trope and that's the most egregious example I can think of because Charlie was HANGING FROM A TREE and Jack just freaking BEATS ON HIS CHEST and then he's back, all better. Although, I was really happy at the time that Charlie didn't die. But anyway. Right, Lois and Clark.

Lex is on the phone again, being informed that Allie is dead. He hangs up the phone, crosses his arms, and starts talking to someone. He says it's an embarrassment to have someone killed, because it reflects poorly on you, which is totally what I think EVERY TIME I have to have someone killed. Having people killed is such a hassle and it makes him sad, not because the person is dead, but because it feels like he's let himself down somehow. YOU GUYS. He's not talking to anyone. There's no one else in the room. He's talking to himself...IN A MIRROR. Marry me, Lex Luthor.

Who is this handsome fellow?

Lois is back in the office, sadly teabagging some...tea. She's sad face about Allie and we learn that the police are saying he was killed by a drunk driver. Lois insists that it wasn't an accident because he sounded like he was in trouble. Perry asks if her father can help.

She goes to see her father at the gym. He's sitting by himself, gazing at a picture of Allie. You think they had a torrid love affair? I'm going to assume that they did. Lois and Sam reminisce and Lois says she thinks Allie was murdered. Sam is concerned and wonders if the driver saw her. He tells her to stay away from the story. Lois says she can't because she has a duty as a reporter, this is her story, and she's stubborn as shit. Lois asks if he can help her and he says he can't. This quickly turns into a fight about their relationship. "You were hardly a father at all!" Lois shouts. Ouch. She asks again about the murder, he says he knows nothing, and she leaves sadly. This is all very Jack/Sydney Bristow.

Ooh, breaking and entering! Clark and Lois are breaking into Sam's office because Lois says he's hiding something. They go on weird dates. Anyway, she's picking a lock (she saw Jimmy do it once, so she's totally good at it) but having no luck. Clark gets tired of waiting and just rips the doorknob off without her noticing and she thinks her lock-picking skills opened the door. Aww, that's so sweet.

They pull a shitload of files and pile them on a nearby table. How long are they planning on spending there? Maybe they should be a bit quicker. They find files about how all of the fighters "made mincemeat" out of their opponents.

Clark explores a bit and uses his X-ray vision to find a hidden room behind a bookcase. He tells Lois he found it because his uncle has the same secret room in his den. Yeah, cause that's a normal thing to have. If you're a pedophile. Or Batman. In any case, Lois and Clark go in and investigate because that's what they do.

There are a bunch of weird robot skeleton things all over. They kind of look like Giant Jesus after he burned down. Clark hears something with his superhearing and goes to take a look, shutting Lois in the secret room. It's Max and Sandy Vagina! Sandy Vagina is bragging about how he could beat Superman in a fight. Clark creates an earthquake by running in place really fast, which seems like it'd be a really beneficial ability. I would use it at work all the time, just so I could go home early.

RIP

Max and Sandy leave and Clark lets Lois out of the secret room. I'd have left her in there.

Back at The Daily Planet, Jimmy is looking at the pictures Lois and Clark took at her father's office. Lois says it would be the lead story if it weren't for the earthquake and Jimmy is like, "there was no earthquake," and then makes a sex joke that is not only really obvious, but also not funny. This scene is completely pointless.

Lois works on her story and Clark asks her if she really wants to do this, since she'll be implicating her father and possibly putting him in danger.

She thinks it over and decides Clark is right, then writes Allie's death up as a normal hit and run. Perry questions her about her change of heart and is pissed that she ruined his awesome story. Clark is supportive because that's what a partner does, and Lois gives him a look like, "oh, so this is what friendship is like."

Back at the gym, Sam is fixing up one of the boxers, but with bandages, not with robot arms. Lois confronts him about the robot surgeries. She wants to know what's going on and tells him she didn't write the story. He says she should have written it and they fight some more about what a horrible father/daughter he/she is. As much as it pains me, I have to side with Lois here, because she was trying to keep her dad safe AND he's the one who told her not to write the story in the first place. Maybe he forgot about that, though. He should give himself a robot brain.

Anyway, apparently Sam started making robot parts to give to handicapped people. He was doing it for THE GOOD OF MANKIND, YOU GUYS. STOP JUDGING HIM. I don't know how the robot parts magically ended up inside of boxers. Psychic surgery?

Perry assigns Lois to cover an auto show. He says he's giving the auto show story to her to boost her confidence but you know she's being punished because Perry is a total dick. Clark is being punished, too, and is assigned a story about the police academy graduation. Also, they're not partners anymore. Lois says Clark's probably glad and he's all, no, I love you, PLEASE HANG OUT WITH ME. I mean, the guy is playing baseball BY HIMSELF, so I think he could use some friends.

Menken is meeting with Lex, DUN DUN DUUUUN. Menken is going on and on about how his fighters are the best fighters of all the fighters. Lex is forced to totally school him, which is awesome. The five fighters they created are only the beginning, he says. Those men will lead to an invulnerable army, hundreds of supermen, all under Lex's control. That seems like a great idea, I really hope this happens.

Menken goes to Sam and says he needs to make the fighters stronger. Sam doesn't want to because he'd basically be creating terminators and he can't do that because he doesn't work for Skynet. Sam wants out and Menken says he has to stay until the end of his lifetime contract. I think a good lawyer could get him out of that, though, because he definitely never signed anything. Menken threatens to kill Sam some more so Sam goes to Lois.

It turns out that Sam was recording Menken's threats. He gives them to Lois and tells Lois to write her story. He walks away, smiling, and Lois runs after him and calls him Daddy, but not in a dirty way. They have a moment and when Lois and Clark walk away, Clark puts a hand on her shoulder. When I was 11, I thought this meant they were MFEO.

This is first base, right?

Perry asks Lois for her piece on the auto show and she says she didn't write it. He gets pissed until he sees she wrote the story about the fighters and their robot junk. So, instead of getting yelled at, Perry praises her for pulling his leg and writing the good story behind his back.

They're going to run the story ASAP so Perry yells at everyone to, like, get it done already. He screams for a while and then says Lane and Clark are the greatest writing team since Woodward and Bernstein. Why isn't anyone calling 911 when Perry has so clearly had a stroke? Instead, everyone cheers.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! It's almost time for the big fight and literally TENS of people have come out to watch it. Lex is at home, I think, reading a newspaper. The headline is hilarious.

This makes me so RoboAngry!

I thought he'd be really pissed but he has a plan. He doesn't really care that the robofighter (heh) thing was exposed, he just doesn't want it to get back to him. He tells Menken to do him a favor, though, and get rid of Dr. Lane. Menken says Dr. Lane has disappeared (good idea) so Lex suggests using Lois as a way to get to him. Lois hasn't been in danger yet this episode, so I guess it's about time.

The fighters are in the locker room getting ready. Sandy Vagina punches a hole in the wall and says he's going to kill Superman. Do the robot parts make them extra aggressive or is this guy just an asshole?

The announcer says that the main fight (which I think is Superman vs. Sandy Vagina but I honestly have no idea) is canceled and everyone goes CRAZY. Especially the fighters. Sandy Vagina jumps into the ring and talks a bunch of smack. He wants to fight Superman! AHHHHHHH! HULK SMASH!

Lex shows up at The Daily Planet and runs into Lois and Clark. He tells Lois that he respects Dr. Lane and wants to help him, and Lois gets all googly eyed. She's so easy, you guys.

Menken comes in and interrupts this touching moment. He has a gun! Oh no! He takes Lois hostage because it wouldn't be an episode of Lois and Clark if Lois didn't need saving. Superman finds Menken and Lois in some alley and it looks like all will be well, until two robot fighters start beating the shit out of him. This doesn't last long, though, because he wraps them up in a fence. Yep. A fence. A little guy comes out to fight him and Superman stares him down until he scampers away.

Bish plz.

Meanwhile, Menken has run away, dragging Lois behind him. Lex emerges from the shadows with a gun. He shoots Menken, saving Lois, and then Superman shows up, asking if everyone is OK. Lois totally ignores him and goes up to Lex, all, "How can I thank you, you mysterious black clad hunk of a night thing?" She is so fickle. Lex kisses her hand and makes a crack to Superman about how it was good that at least one of them could get there in time. OH NO HE DIDN'T.

Sandy Vagina is still yelling about Superman and says Superman's too scared to fight him. So Superman shows up and they fight. Yawn. Sandy hits Superman really hard and Superman fall down go boom. Superman gets up and lets the fighter hit him a bunch of times in the face. It, of course, doesn't phase him at all and Sandy is way confused, but really I think that's his default. Confusion and roid-rage. Superman acts like he's going to hit Sandy but stops just before making contact, and instead flicks him in the forehead. The fighter falls down and gets tangled in the ropes. It's actually pretty hilarious, at least until Superman makes a really bad joke about...hanging...because the guy is "hanging" in the ropes. Sigh. He needs to take some punning lessons from Buffy.

You've got something on your forehead OH WAIT IT'S MY SUPERFINGER.

Everyone cheers. Yay.

Lex is back at his house, pouring champagne into a margarita glass. He's so slick he doesn't even need to use the right glass. He's talking to someone that we can't see...Lois perhaps? But no, he's explaining why he screwed Menken over (and, um, killed him...don't forget about that, Lex), and how it was to impress Lois and make Superman look stupid. So. He's definitely not talking to Lois.

Oh, hey, there's an adorable dog in the room. Is he talking to the adorable dog?

Bark...bark?

He pours another glass of champagne. He sits down across from the dog, takes a sip of his drink, and gives the other glass to the dog. I'm not sure dogs are supposed to drink champagne but Lex Luthor does what he wants. At first I thought Lex was going to be talking to himself in the mirror again, but I think I like the fact that he was talking to the dog even better. Team Luthor.

At The Daily Planet, Perry is reading Lois's follow up to the story. He praises himself for making Lois and Clark such a great team. BUT. He then says they won't be partners all the time, only when the time is right. What? That makes no sense. Perry is the worst editor ever.

Clark pouts because Perry made fun of him for missing everything. Good thing Lex was there! Lois tells Clark not to worry about it because even Superman got there too late. Oh, ouch.

Who has sand in his vagina now?

Perry tells Clark there's another poker game that night, but Clark says he has other plans. Which are...beating the shit out of a punching bag. He punches it all the way across the room. Then he jump ropes really fast. Wheeeeee! I wonder if he can double dutch?

Review: This wasn't a terrible episode. Again, it had a lot of Lex in it, which makes everything better, especially when he's doing things like talking to himself in the mirror or having conversations with his dog. I feel sort of bad that I'm getting all the good Lex episodes and Joe's episodes are Lex-Lite. Sorry, Joe.

Also, I thought that Superman would be fighting a robot-robot, not a human with robot parts. That was disappointing. But Dean Cain made a lot of hilarious faces, so there's that. Two thumbs up!

The X-Files: Pilot

You guys. YOU GUYS. I cannot tell you how excited I am to watch and recap this show. Lois & Clark may have been my first TV obsession, but it was really just my gateway drug to The X-Files. I'll be recapping this show on my own, and Joe will be recapping something else (he is undecided so far), alongside Lois & Clark.

Netflix recap: Agent Dana Scully is instructed to debunk an FBI project dubbed "the X-files," cases linked to the paranormal that have been reopened by agent Fox Mulder.

THE FOLLOWING STORY IS INSPIRED BY ACTUAL DOCUMENTED EVENTS. (I am choosing to pretend that's not true, otherwise I might never go into the woods again.)

A young woman is running through the woods, barefoot and wearing a nightgown. She tumbles down a hill. The wind picks up and there's a bright light shining from the top of a hill. A figure approaches her and I pee my pants. The light gets so bright that we can't see anything OMG WHY CAN'T WE SEE ANYTHING? The light dies down and it's now daylight. The girl is lying face down on the ground, all dead and stuff. Wah wah.

COLLUM NATIONAL FOREST,
NORTHWEST OREGON

Some detectives examine the body. The woman has two marks on her lower back. One detective identifies the woman as Karen Swenson, and reveals that she goes to school with his son. He walks away and the other detective shouts after him, "It's happening again, isn't it?" Whatever "it" is, we probably won't find out what it is for a while. But it's probably pretty freaky. Because this is The X-Files.

Someone needs some Clearasil, like, STAT.

FBI HEADQUARTERS,
WASHINGTON, D.C.

Agent Dana Scully walks through the FBI lobby, looking terribly young. She's wearing an ill-fitting suit that makes me want to submit her name to What Not to Wear. Her hair is long and nowhere near as red as it should be (as you may know, it should be a little TOO red). She looks like Clarice Starling and I think that's on purpose.

90s fashion at its lowest.

It turns out she's on her way to a meeting. She sits down across from two generic old white men (GOWM) but there is a slightly younger man standing in the shadow, smoking a cigarette. RUN, SCULLY. Anyway, for brevity's sake, I'm going to call him CSM from now on because we all know he's the Cigarette Smoking Man. Unless you've never watched this show before, then...oops, spoilers.

One of the GOWMs asks if she's heard of Fox Mulder. Fox. I'll say. She's heard of him and gives his bio (EXPOSITION), which is basically that he's totally smart, impresses people with his catching-bad-guys skills, but everyone thinks he's really weird. Scully tells the men that his nickname at the academy was "Spooky Mulder" and smiles a bit, but no one thinks she's funny because they're jerks. I will always laugh at your jokes, Scully, provided you ever make another one.

Anyway, the point of this meeting is that they're assigning her to The X-Files. But we knew this. Because otherwise there wouldn't be a show. CSM doesn't say anything, he just stands in the corner and smokes because that's what he does.

Scully goes to find Mulder. His office is in the basement, which is probably supposed to be a punishment but I think it seems pretty nice because nobody bothers you when you're stuck in the basement. Just ask Milton. Scully knocks on his office door and is answered with, "Sorry, nobody down here but the FBI's most unwanted." We get our first glimpse of Mulder's "I Want to Believe" poster. Introductions! Oh, these two. I can't wait. Mulder is wearing glasses and generally looking dead sexy.

Glasses McPouty Face.

Mulder already knows who Scully is and acts all smarmy because, well, that's what HE does. He loads some slides because he claims he wants Scully's medical opinion, but really I think he just wants to make her uncomfortable. The first slide is of the dead girl we met earlier. Nice intro, Mulder. Very welcoming.

He asks Scully to ID the marks found on Karen Swenson's body. There's some chemistry talk (booooooooring) about the marks and Mulder says they were also found on some other bodies across the US.

Mulder and Scully stand across from each other and the height difference is hilarious. Mulder asks Scully if she believes in the existence of extraterrestrials in the most ridiculous way possible and she's all, "no, weirdo." Mulder's all, "SIGH, all crazy shit that I don't understand is obviously ALIENS, WHY WON'T ANYONE LISTEN TO ME?" and Scully's like, "SCIENCE SCIENCY SCIENCE."

This height difference is probably going to make all the making out rather difficult.

THEY'RE ON A PLANE. Mulder is lying across a row of seats, which is totally douchey, and listening to headphones. Scully is being a good little FBI agent and doing some reading about the case. The plan goes all Lost-crash for a minute and Scully almost poops herself, naturally, but Mulder doesn't care that the plane almost crashed, probably because his life sucks.

The pair drive along a country rode and Mulder eats some sunflower seeds. I didn't realize that particular quirk made it into the pilot episode. They discuss the case, and Scully impresses Mulder by noticing some small detail that I won't bore you with because it's boring and who cares. The radio goes all wonky and Mulder looks excited. He is easily amused. He stops the car and uses some spray paint that he just happens to have with him to spray a big, orange X on the road. And then doesn't explain shit to Scully. This...happens a lot.

Um, that's a $150 fine, Mulder.

They go to a graveyard, where Mulder has ordered the exhumation of Ray Soames, who was killed in a similar way to Karen Swenson, I think, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention. Dr. Nemman, whose name Scully found in the report, comes to yell at Mulder for being insensitive. He gets very defensive and yells some more until his daughter is all, "Let's go home, Dad, you are totes embarrassing me! BRBLOL."

The exhumation process goes awry when the coffin goes falling down a hill. Yep, that would do it. Oops. Mulder opens the coffin and the body looks...weird. Mulder makes a joke because he's inappropriate. He orders to have the body sealed.

10:56 PM

Scully is trying to do the autopsy on Ray Soames and Mulder circles around her, taking pictures of the body. He thinks it's an alien. Obviously. Scully gets testy with Mulder and says it's an orangutan, and he's all "WTF, why? Is Ray Soames really be a monkey? I don't think so, it's far more likely that this is an ALIEN."

Scully stays up late that night, typing her report. They found a metallic implant in the body's nasal cavity and she looks at it for a while because her life is sad. Mulder knocks on her door and asks if Scully wants to go for a jog with him. At 4:30 in the morning. She declines.

RAYMON COUNTY
STATE PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL

Mulder and Scully interview a psychiatrist about Ray Soames. The doctor had been treating Ray for PTSD symptoms, which is weird for a high school student unless he was the victim of relentless wedgies. The doctor is also treating some of Ray's classmates and two of them, Billy Miles and Peggy O'Dell, are currently at the facility. They've been there for four years. Yikes. Scully asks to talk to them.

It's going to be hard to talk to Billy because he's in a waking coma. Peggy sits at his bedside and reads to him. She's in a wheelchair and presumably cannot walk. This will be important later. They're there because they were in a car accident, the doctor says, NOT because they were anally probed. Mulder says like two words to Peggy and then she FREAKS THE FUCK OUT, which I think is how a lot of people react to Mulder. Her nose starts bleeding and she falls to the ground. Mulder lifts up her shirt, which could be misconstrued, I think, but they see she has the marks on her back. The marks! Ahh! Scully gets pissed and storms out. She yells at Mulder for not giving her all the details. She wants the truth. Mulder says he thinks the kids have been abducted. Scully, obviously, does not believe that. She insists that there must be a logical explanation BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE DOES.

They go to the forest where the bodies were found. Mulder pulls out a compass and it goes crazy, the needle spinning all over. So...the compass isn't so much HELPFUL, really. Scully finds some sand or something and puts it in her pocket, which doesn't seem like it would be FBI procedure. "Here, I'll just put this important evidence in my pocket, it'll be fine." She hears a noise and pulls out her gun. There's a bright light, similar to the one Karen Swenson saw, you know, right before she was found dead. Someone comes walking toward her. OH NOES. But wait, this guy has a gun and he's from the county sheriff's department. Mulder runs up from...somewhere. There is some yelling and the sheriff orders them to leave. Everyone puts their guns away and Mulder and Scully go bye bye.

They drive away. It's raining. Scully pulls the sand out of her pocket and asks if Mulder knows what it is. She wonders if the kids are involved in a cult. What? Mulder checks his watch, it's 9:03, and the compass is still going crazy. There's a bright light and their car dies. Say WHAT. Mulder checks his watch and it says 9:12. They lost 9 minutes! They get out of the car, Mulder whoohoos like a dork, and they see they're next to the orange X Mulder put on the road earlier.

I think your rain dance worked, Mulder.

They're arguing about the missing time and the car starts again. By itself. They go back to their hotel rooms and as Scully works on her report, the power goes out. So she prepares to take a candlelit bath (awwww YEAH) and takes off her robe, revealing some very unimaginative underwear. She finds something on her back and FREAKS OUT.

She goes to Mulder's hotel room, says "I need you to look at something for me," and drops her robe. Mulder's all, "am I dreaming right now?" She points to her back while he stares at her, all practically naked in front of him, and she asks what they are.

Think about baseball, think about baseball.

Mosquito bites, he answers, after inspecting. He's totally a Female Body Inspector right now. Get it? FBI. Female Body Inspector. I'm sorry. Anyway, she puts her robe back on and throws herself at Mulder (like, literally) in relief. He hugs her and she sits down because she is ascared.

Cut to...Scully lying in Mulder's bed. Bow chicka bow wow! This is not appropriate FBI partner behavior. Mulder is telling her the story of his sister's disappearance and how he got involved in The X-Files. While they're bonding, someone sneaks around the hotel.

Apparently, someone higher up is blocking Mulder's attempts to get at classified information. Scully's all "who" and he says she must know because she's part of that agenda and she's all, "shut up, dude, I'm just trying to solve this case." He's not getting any tonight. Apparently she was convincing enough, because Mulder discloses that he thinks his sister was abducted by aliens. Too soon, Mulder. Too soon.

The phone rings. It's someone calling to tell them that Peggy O'Dell is dead, but the caller hangs up without identifying himself. OR HERSELF.

RURAL HWY. 133
BELLEFLEUR, OREGON

So this is weird. Peggy is dead, right? Well, it turns out she was running and got hit by a car. Peggy. Who was previously in a wheelchair. Scully examines Peggy's body and sees that her watch stopped at 9:03. Mulder comes over to Scully and says they have to leave, all huffy because someone trashed the autopsy lab and stole the Ray Soames/orangutan body.

They go back to the hotel...which is on fire. That can't be good. Scully's all "there goes my computer," which would be the least of my concerns but whatever. The x-rays and the pictures and basically all evidence of the weirdo alien/orangutan body were in the hotel, as well, and presumably destroyed. Mulder sad.

ACTING!

A woman walks up to sad Mulder and computerless Scully and says they have to protect her. She's Theresa Nemman, daughter of the investigator who yelled at Mulder and Scully at the beginning of the episode. They take her to a coffee shop and she tells them how she often ends up in the woods and has no idea how she got there. They don't ask her how much she drinks, though, which seems like an important question. Just sayin'. This problem has been happening since she graduated and she's scared she might die. Valid. In case you're interested, she's the one who called Mulder about Peggy's death.

Scully asks Theresa if her father knows about what happens. I guess he does, but he told her never to tell anyone about any of it. Probably because people will assume she's getting blackout drunk all the time and waking up in the woods. Also! She has the marks! Then her nose starts bleeding. On this show, that is never good.

Theresa's father comes in and takes her home. He's with the man who ordered Mulder and Scully out of the woods who turns out to be Billy Miles's father.

Scully is PISSED. She says Dr. Nemman and Detective Miles know exactly what's happening and they're the lying-liars-who-lie-evidence-destroyers. But Mulder, for once, is being somewhat skeptical. Then he suggests they go dig up some graves and Scully is totally down with that.

When they get there, though, someone's already emptied the graves. Mulder says, "I think I know who did it." And that person is...Billy Miles. What? He's in a coma. Scully calls Billy Miles a vegetable which I don't think is very PC.

It's 5:07, btw, and they're standing out in the dark. In a graveyard. In the rain. Mulder says everything fits the profile of an alien abduction. Scully starts laughing hysterically (which is weird because Scully doesn't do that), Mulder says, "you think I'm crazy." Well. Yes. But that doesn't mean you're not right.

Scully tells Mulder that Peggy's watch stopped a little after 9. Scully is at her least skeptical in this episode and Mulder is pretty easily convincing her that he's right about the whole alien abduction thing. She starts laughing hysterically again and you can tell they totally want to make out.

HAHAHA GRAVEROBBING IS HILARIOUS.

They go see Billy Miles and some nurse blah blah blahs about how he'll never get out of that bed as Scully examines Billy's body. She looks at his feet and they are dirty and gross. Like, either the hospital is not bathing him or he was running around the woods.

Scully's sure that Billy killed everyone but Mulder, MULDER YOU GUYS, talks her down and says they need more evidence. WTF is happening? Did they swap bodies? Cause I don't remember that ever happening.

They go to the woods and see Detective Miles's car. They hear a woman scream and go tearing off into the woods. They're running with flashlights, which is totally what they do ALL THE TIME in future episodes, so this is good practice for them. Someone hits Scully in the head. It was Detective Miles. Dick. Mulder runs and runs until Detective Miles catches up and points his gun at him. Mulder says he knows it was Billy.

Mulder guilts Detective Miles into stopping his son from, you know, murdering Theresa. The dude almost shoots Billy! WTF, you're his dad! Anyway, Mulder stops Detective Miles before he can shoot his kid, Billy picks up Theresa (that's who the screaming girl was, obviously), and a bright light shines on them. Uh-oh. All goes to white and when everyone can see again, Billy says, "Dad?" and his marks are gone. Which is probably good. Usually vegetables can't talk. Of course, they usually can't walk around murdering people either, but whatever. Mulder realizes he hasn't seen Scully in a while and runs off to make sure she's not dead. She missed the big show, although she did see the light. Mulder says it was "incredible." Scully always misses the good stuff. I guess so she can remain all skeptical and junk. No fair.

MARCH 22, 1992
FBI HEADQUARTERS,
WASHINGTON, D.C.

Billy is being questioned under deep hypnosis. He says he first saw the light in the woods when he was at a party with his friends, and the light took him away to the testing place. But not like SAT testing, I don't think. His job was to gather the others for testing. They (the aliens, or whatever) put something in his head and he'd wait for their orders. The tests didn't work so they wanted everything destroyed, which was why he was straight up murdering everyone, only I'm not sure if he actually killed anyone or if the light people killed everyone.

CSM, Scully, and two old white dudes are watching this from the next room, but then they all leave because it's time for Scully to get yelled at.

Scully gets in trouble for her report, because there are so many holes in it. They ask about the time loss and she's all, "I actually don't know whether that happened," which I guess is not a good enough answer. Where the hell is Skinner? They debunk her work and say she has no physical evidence. So she pulls out the implant they found in the corpse. BOOYA. IN YO FACE. It wasn't destroyed in the fire because she kept it in her pocket. Lucky. Maybe it IS FBI procedure to keep evidence in your pocket. She said she ran a lab test on it and it could not be identified.

They want to know what Agent Mulder thinks. She says he believes they are not alone and they tell her to GTFO of their faces. She walks down the hall and passes CSM in the hallway. He goes into the office she just came out of and SHE NOTICES. OH YES SHE DOES.

Spooky.

Later, Scully lies awake in bed and the clock shows that it's 11:21 (it's always 10:13 or 11:21 on this show). Her phone rings. It's Mulder. The paperwork they filed on Billy Miles has disappeared. Sad face.

CSM is walking down a long hallway lined with files. He puts the implant Scully found in a compartment with a bunch of other implants. It's kind of like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, which I think is on purpose. Ooh, the room is at the Pentagon! I don't know about you guys, but I think this might be a CONSPIRACY.

This is also where Toby Flenderson hides all of Dwight's complaints about Jim.

Lois & Clark, Episode 3: Neverending Battle

Note: I think there was some confusion as to how we're doing these reviews. Joe and I reviewed the pilot together and are alternating episodes from now on. We'll also start reviewing some other shows on our own soon. WHOO!

Netflix Synopsis: The staff of The Daily Planet is assigned to uncover more about Superman. Lex Luthor threatens to cause an endless succession of disasters in Metropolis to prove that Superman can't save everyone simultaneously.

Oh, that Lex Luthor, he's incorrigible.

The episode opens, as it so often does, on The Daily Planet office. Perry comes in all, "where are my pictures of Superman?" and Jimmy's like, "wah wah, we don't have them," and Perry says, for realsies, "GREAT SHADES OF ELVIS." What does that even mean? I think he's trying to be intimidating, but he's no J. Jonah Jameson. He calls for a meeting at 6 AM (what?) with blow ups, and I don't know what those are, so I'm going to assume they're blow up dolls.

Meanwhile, Lois and Clark (hey, that's the name of the show!) are working with an artist who is trying to sketch a picture of Superman. Clark! Take off your glasses! That might help. They discuss whether or not Superman ever wants to "get down" if you know what I'm saying and I think you do. Cat, of course, says she wants to take him for a test drive, which is gross, and Lois tries to pretend she wasn't thinking the same thing. Also, she's mean to Clark a whole bunch. I feel like I shouldn't have to say that anymore. From now on, if Lois and Clark are in the same scene, let's assume that Lois is being mean to him.

Superman is Hulking out.

Lex Luthor is on his balcony looking at pigeons with what looks like a viewfinder. A bird dive bombs into the cement and dies. Suicide bird! Did Lex kill that bird with his mind powers? I know this episode aired like a billion years ago but still...topical.

How do you change the picture?

Lex reads some newspapers and they're all about Superman. He's totally jealous. He is the Gretchen Wieners to Superman's Regina George.  Also, it turns out he didn't make any birds commit suicide, but his hawk did eat all the pigeons Lex had been looking at. I'm sorry that I misled you all.

Back to The Daily Planet! It's the 6 AM meeting but there are no blow up dolls anywhere. What a tease. Perry is yelling at everyone for not getting the Superman story yet. Why doesn't Clark just put on his outfit and go find someone at The Daily Planet who can take some pretty pictures of him or something? Sort of like how Peter Parker used to take pictures of himself being Spidey. Peter Parker is way smarter than Clark Kent, yes?

Lois yells at everyone that SUPERMAN IS HERS. Because he saved her that one time. Clark and Cat make fun of her. I approve of this. Then Cat hits on Clark and puts a magnifying glass up to her cleavage. Subtle.

LOVE ME.

Clark gets a phone call from, we're assuming, someone tipping him off to Superman's whereabouts. Lois overhears and follows him. Naturally. It turns out he's just checking out an apartment that he's thinking about renting.The apartment is gross. The water runs black, there are cobwebs everywhere, and the floor is littered with garbage. Clark, your prison cell is better than this place. Lois burts in demanding to see Superman, and of course he's not there (well...he is...because Clark is there...but you know what I mean) and Clark is all, "Ur dum. You cannot has Superman."  Clark thinks in LOLcat sometimes.  Not a lot of people know that.

Meanwhile, Lex is holding some sort of focus group or something on Superman. They're all in a dark room. It looks sort of like the war room in that movie Joe's always trying to get me to watch. Lex wants to know how powerful Superman is. More powerful than an avalanche? A locomotive? Can he leap tall buildings in a single bound?  (Probably, probably, and why would he do that when he can fly?)

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the war room.

Some lady is all, "he's still a man," because she wants to ride Superman's locomotive. All women do, amirite, ladies? Actually, she's just pointing out that Superman, because he is a man, is weak. Lex explains that he's going to test Superman. The lady is all, "can't we just shoot him?" and Lex is like, "no, and I'll explain why we can't just shoot him by using a lot of words so Jennie gets really bored."

Over at the newsroom, Lois overhears something on her police scanner. There's trouble! Right here in River City! Lois assumes that Superman will show up, which is actually pretty smart, because he likes to save people and stuff.  This dude is threatening to jump off of a building and I guess that's bad, although it really doesn't seem like anyone's business except the dude threatening to jump but WHATEVER.  Hey! That dude is one of Lex's dudes! He was also in Juwanna Man. You're welcome.

Superman music! He flies down and tells the jumper all the normal stuff...you don't want to do this, you have so much to live for, blah blah blah. The jumper was never going to actually jump ANYWAY so he's all, "sweet, let's go get some cappuccino."

Lex is watching from, like, a dark cave or something and he tells one of his minions to push the annoying lady from earlier off of another building. She screams, like I assume one does when one is thrown off of a building. Superman saves her. Obviously. Yawn. Lex says that Superman saved her, "faster than a speeding bullet." Oh no they didn't.

Clark, of course, pretends that he saw the whole thing once Lois finally shows up. He says he's going to call the story in, but Lois convinces him to just start writing it instead. Without telling anyone. Oh, she's up to something. That wily minx.

The next day, Lucy Lane brings Lois some lunch at The Daily Planet. Lois yells at Lucy for being out all night (With Jimmy, perhaps?  Ooh la la!) and Lucy shames Lois for stealing Clark's story. SISTERS. So Lois stole Clark's story. Of course. But she feels really bad about it. She uses her Lois!Logic and somehow blames it on Superman. And then she refuses to apologize to Clark.

Clark comes over to yell at her and she insists that one day he'll thank her for being a total see you next Tuesday. He storms off and some random dude walks up to Lois, asking for Eduardo Somethingsomething. He pretends to be all annoyed and mentions that he's going to another newspaper with his story about Superman.

Lois follows him, of course. She bullies him into a conference room and Clark bitches to Jimmy about Lois. He asks if Lois is always so aggressive when going after a story, and Jimmy says, "yeah, pretty much," but then admits that she's being even worse about the Superman story. Probably because Superman is all dreamy but that's just a guess.  Clark says someone ought to teach her a lesson. Jimmy says that Godzilla could teach Lois a lesson (huh?), which I suppose is true if the lesson they want to teach her is...don't get stepped on? I don't know.  Jimmy's kind of a tool.

Perry has Jimmy fixing his foot massager and it makes Jimmy sad. He's a journalist! Not Mr. Fixit! Clark advises him to stand up for himself but, let's face it, Jimmy is the Zeppo and will never stand up for himself.  Perry sends Clark and some random guys out to cover a story about a bomb. Jimmy tries to go but Perry yells at him and GUESS WHAT Jimmy just slinks away like a kicked puppy.

Lois is interviewing the random dude from earlier, whose name is Mr. Cleveland. He says that Superman is an alien, from the planet Tropax. He says he's been on the ship. So...Mr. Cleveland nuts, basically. He tells Lois that he's up for reelection and that his first name is Grover. Uuuuuugh.  Sometimes I want to punch this show in the face.

While Lois is preoccupied with Faux-ver Cleveland, Superman shows up at the bomb site. Lex blows up the building after Superman runs inside. Superman comes out of the building, looking fine (awww yeah), and Lex calls him a "man of steel." I wish they'd stop doing that.

They find Lex's cameras inside the building and deduce that someone lured Superman there in order to set off the bomb. Lois gets all sad for poor Superman, probably because of their "connection." "Who would want to kill Superman?" she asks. Clark doesn't say anything, I guess because he's wondering the same thing. He's probably a bit more invested, though, since he's the dead one in the "LET'S KILL SUPERMAN!" scenario.

Later, Clark is on the phone with his mom, asking her how to get the bomb stains out of his costume. Sure. His dad is totally worried about Clark, thinking that someone is trying to kill his son, and it's adorable. Clark tells them he's fine and gets to renovating his craphole apartment. He turns on some crappy 90s music and uses his powers to make his apartment less craphole. There are some hijinks involving his landlord sort of witnessing this mysterious renovation, but it's too stupid to spend time on. So. Moving on.

Clark's back in the newsroom, doing whatever it is journalists do when they're not being almost blown up or sneaking onto space stations or stealing stories. It looks boring. Lois tries to worm herself into working with Clark. And it works. Because she's pretty, I guess. It's sure not because of her charm. They discuss the two would-be jumpers that Superman saved and, well, there's weird stuff going on. Obviously.

Jimmy comes over and says he has an idea for how to track Superman but Perry yells at him about...soda...before he can tell them. Jimmy storms into his office, looking like he's going to yell and finally stand up for himself, but instead tells Perry that he's a huge Elvis fan. That leads to an Elvis speech from Perry and I'd tell you what he said but I fell asleep.

Lois and Clark discover that both jumpers worked for LexCorp. DUN DUN DUUUUUN.

Lex is busy picking out some new suits. He orders a dozen. He likes to suit up, just like Barney.

Superman shows up to yell at Lex for putting people in danger.  "You want to know how strong I am?" he asks, and bends a sword in half, which is really no big deal. Any bending robot can do the same thing.

"You want to know how fast I am?" he asks, picks up a gun, shoots at a wide-eyed Luthor, and then catches the bullet before it can hit him.  That's a dangerous game.  Can you imagine if he'd juuuust missed that bullet?  SuperOopsies. 

Lex calmly asks if that concludes his demonstration, because Lex is a badass. Superman tells him the tests are over but Lex is all, "I'm not saying it was me, but it was totally me and I'm not going to stop, ever, because my daddy didn't love me." He has daddy issues, right? Lex tells Superman that as long as he stays in Metropolis, innocent people will die.

This sends Clark into a tailspin of guilt, even though it's totally not his fault, and he doesn't know what to do. His parents are nice to him and offer to help, but he's still all emo when he leaves their house. He flies around the city for a bit and then goes back to his not-so-craphole apartment. He gets out a suitcase and folds his Superman outfit into it. No! What will give you purpose now, Clark?

The next day, Lois is sketching Superman's S symbol onto a piece of paper and wonders where Superman has been because no one has seen him for three days. Cat says Clark looks depressed and tries to cheer him up with her boobs but Clark is NOT. IN. THE. MOOD. Lois asks Jimmy how they should find Superman but his idea is totally stupid. Just like Jimmy. Anyway, his idea is that Superman is an alien, right? So he must have a spaceship. If they find his spaceship, they find Superman. Oh, Jimmy. Go away.

Lois and Clark look sad some more. Lois walks away with her sad pad of paper and sits at her desk.  She makes a phone call to get some satellite images, I guess to find Superman's alien spaceship. Clark is all, "We're listening to Jimmy now? OH, FML." He sits at his desk and devises the stupidest plan imaginable. He draws a map, superfast, and it looks like a 10 year old drew it. Just...here.

And you know my name is Simon...and I like to do drawrings.

He calls someone to get a messenger to pick up his map and take it to Lois's apartment later. This...this is just so stupid. I mean, Lois is a reporter, right? So I'm thinking she could easily track this map back to Clark, given that he just called for a messenger to pick this map up FROM HIS DESK.

Lex is staring off of his balcony, rejoicing in the fact that Superman hasn't shown up in so long. His manservant is all, "shall I bring your guest in?" and Lex is all, "sure, fine, whatever," and there's a cheerleading outfit sitting on a chair nearby. WHAT. This is never explained so I think we can safely assume that Lex has a cheerleader fetish.

Lois is watching a riot or something on TV. Superman isn't around to save anyone so SHIT IS GOING CRAZY. Lois wishes that Superman would come back and Clark thinks it just so she can get a great story. But Lois HAS LAYERS and insists that she doesn't even care about that story, it's that Metropolis needs Superman. She gives Clark an inspirational speech and it's a good thing Clark is Superman, because I bet it helped. She leaves and Clark goes home to get his pretty costume out and he flies around the city, looking for trouble or kittens in trees.

There are some men outside The Daily Planet, hanging up a new sign. This isn't going to end well, right? A little old lady and two adorable blond girls are holding hands and laughing and OH NO the sign is going to fall on them! One of the girls drops her teddy bear as they run to safety, and of course she goes back to get it. You know what? Maybe this is controversial but if that little girl is stupid enough to run after her bear and get crushed by a sign...maybe we should just let it crush her. Survival of the fittest, you know? This is also why I think school zones are stupid, too. Let's thin the herd, the world is overpopulated.

Superman saves the little girl, of course, and it's pretty cute. Lex decides to stop his testing because...I don't now, he's probably bored. I know I am. Anyway, he decides that Superman is the opponent he's been waiting for. Also, I think he has a crush on Superman. He says that Superman is tough, but not unbeatable, because he has morals and Lex doesn't. Lex Luthor is no one's bitch.

Lex sends his hawk, Faust, out to hunt. "Let's go kill some pigeons," he says and Faust is all, "CAW!" or whatever hawks say.  Why does Lex hate pigeons so much? 

Everyone is happy happy joy joy back in the newsroom. Especially when Lois comes in, covered in mud and carrying her broken heel. Oh. Right. Clark's map to Superman's spaceship. Lois got it and followed it. All she found was a Godzilla doll dressed as Superman. Remember how Jimmy said Godzilla was the only one who could teach Lois a lesson? Har har, show.

So. Lois is pretty pissed. She's even more pissed to see that Clark got the Superman story. Clark is smug and Lois is mad and everyone else is happy. I guess they used up their party planning money in the pilot, though, because there are no balloons around. Maybe only Lois Lane's stories get a party.

Lesson learned: don't follow maps drawn by 10-year-olds.

Clark's "lesson" to Lois inspires Jimmy to finally stand up for himself. Perry's all, "good for you, kid," and he's not mad at all so Jimmy probably should have done that a long time ago.

A calmer Lois approaches Clark later and congratulations him for winning. Then she's mean to him again. And refuses to work with him as a team. She's all, "we'll never be a we," and he's like, "we'll see," and she says, "how long can you hold your breath?" and walks away. He grins and says, "a very long time," and it's totally cheesy but I'm sure I loved it when I was 12 and wanted Lois and Clark to get married and have all the babies.

REVIEW: This episode wasn't all that terrible, really, probably because Lex Luthor was in it and he makes everything more entertaining. I like his hair, it's very curly. Really, since he's the number one bad guy and Superman's arch nemesis, it would make sense for him to be in every episode, so hopefully he'll be around a lot more as the season progresses. I still don't know what he has against pigeons, though.