Lois & Clark, Episode 8: The Green, Green Glow of Home

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Sports Night, Episode 2: The Apology

Synopsis from DVD: When Dan is quoted in a national magazine supporting the legalization of marijuana, the network demands an on-air apology, but no one is more sorry than Casey, who is described as the “not-cool-one” in the same article.

And as thorough as the synopsis for the first episode was, this one leaves quite a bit to be explained, so that’s somewhat exciting. Also, it’s unclear from the synopsis who it is that supports pot legalization, Dan or the magazine he’s quoted in. Also, I don’t expect to see Casey go on the air and apologize for not being cool. Though, really, maybe he should. Anyway. Let’s get to it.

As the episode opens, Dan is visibly nervous, though he says it's not about an interview that he gave to Esquire but because one of CSC’s morning aerobics instructors is stalking him. He and Natalie try to determine what the woman’s name is as they prep for the show. He’s totally covering his actual nervousness about the article with this stalker nonsense, but we’ll play along because it’s funny and Dan is just so damn charming. In the control booth, Dana is informed that some pitcher (I don’t remember who, it’s not important) is working on a no-hitter in the 7th inning, and she instructs Dan and Casey to tease it in the live promo that’s coming up. Jeremy insists that they shouldn’t do this because it’s bad luck for the pitcher to do so, but Dana ignores him. Dan and Casey complete the promo, complete with tease, and moments later the pitcher loses the no-hitter. Jeremy consoles Dana, who clearly does not care.

The next day, everyone in the office is reading Dan’s article. Casey and Dana discuss whether Dan might be in trouble, but Casey is more concerned with the fact that he is portrayed in the article as not being cool. Something to think about, Casey: if you’re sitting around worrying about whether or not you’re cool, you are definitely not cool. Dana tells Casey that lawyers from Standards & Practices are in Isaac’s office at the moment discussing what to do about Dan. It seems that Dan mentioned being a member of a group that supports the legalization of marijuana, and this is a problem for the network probably because drugs are bad, m’kay?

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Doctor Who (9th Doctor), Episode 1: Rose

Netflix synopsis: Department store clerk Rose Tyler meets the mysterious Doctor when he rescues her from a squad of killer mannequins. She then faces a tough decision when the Doctor asks her to join him on his dangerous time travels.

I knew nothing of Doctor Who when I watched this episode the first time and at the time, I was all, "killer mannequins, wtf?" I actually thought the whole thing was fairly ridiculous and almost quit watching, but I'm so, SO glad I didn't. I'm excited to watch all of them (the new series) again now that I fully appreciate how much fun this show is. Honestly, the main reason I'm reviewing it is because we finished Series 5 a while ago and I just really, really wanted to watch it all over again. Also, I want Ashley to watch this show already. Heh.

I love the theme song. It's my ringtone.

SPACE! The final frontier. Wait, wrong show. Anyway. The episode opens with an alarm buzzing and a young, blonde woman rushing out of bed. I'm going to tell you right now that her name is Rose. Just like the episode!

Rose kisses her mum (that's british for mom) goodbye and goes to work at a store called Henrik's. Retail. Ugh. She plays kissy face with her boyfriend at lunchtime but has to go back to work. The store closes (FINALLY), but as Rose is leaving, she's handed a bag that she has to take downstairs (to the...basement?) to someone named Wilson.

He's not there, though, and Rose hears a strange noise. She has apparently never seen a horror movie before, so she goes to investigate. That's not really fair, though, because she just thinks someone is messing with her. I would probably do the same thing. And then I would get axe murdered.

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Lois & Clark, Episode 7: Smart Kids

Netflix synopsis: Lois and Clark save Metropolis from the rule of several children who were victims of a chemical experiment to increase their intelligence.

When will we ever learn? Don't make kids super smart.

Beckworth State School

An adorable child is holding a leash, which is attached to an adorable pig. But really all pigs are adorable, so I didn't even really need to say that. I said it anyway, though, because that's what I do. The taller boy next to her is kind of snotty and asks what Socrates is doing there and she's all, "I'm not leaving him!" and I don't blame her because again: adorable pig. Also, the girl looks really familiar.

Another kid is using some crazy bleep bloop remote thing to break into a locked door. There's also another girl there but she doesn't say anything so I guess she's not important. They're breaking into the infirmary, btw.

The kid with the bleep bloop remote is breaking into a safe or something. There are vials of some red liquid (Kool-Aid? OH YEAH) inside the safe and the tall boy says, "OK, let's get smart." Then they do shots of the red liquid out of those medicine cups you get with cough medicine. See:

Mmm, Robitussin.

Yum! They are instantly smart. Or high.

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Sports Night, Episode 1: Pilot

Synopsis from DVD: Casey’s divorce has left him unnerved and uncertain about all he holds dear in life, including his love for sports. It’s up to Dan and Dana to snap him out of his funk before the network brass loses patience. Meanwhile, Dana’s search for a new research analyst ends as she hires the devoted—if slightly overzealous—Jeremy, after a particularly grueling job interview.

Goodness, that’s an amazingly thorough synopsis. It really puts the little Netflix synopses to shame.

I’m going to do this a little differently than the Lois & Clark recaps. Since the episodes are so much shorter at only 22 minutes, the recaps themselves will be much shorter, so I’ll have some analysis and commentary sprinkled in, as well as just general thoughts and musings about the show.

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The X-Files: Squeeze

Netflix synopsis: Mulder and Scully search for a humanoid killer whose savage murder spree reoccurs every 30 years.

What I remember: AWWWWW, YEAH. LIVER! EATING! MUTANT! Ahem. Horace from Lost steals livers. Mulder and Scully are adorable. Donal Logue plays a douchebag. That is all.

YOU GUYS. I love this episode. It might be my favorite from the whole season. Anyway. Let's get to it.

BALTIMORE, MARYLAND

A dude walks out of a building. We find out later that his name is George Usher, so that's what I'm going to call him. He goes all slo-mo and we see that someone or something is watching him from a sewer. All we can see are creepy, creepy eyes THAT ARE CREEPY.

Usher (not this Usher) gets off an elevator and goes into his office. OH NO. Something is crawling up the elevator shaft. Usher makes a phone call and leaves a message for his wife to tell her he'll be at the office late, but we know that he's going to be there forever because he's about to die.

There's a close up of a small heating vent. One of the screws turns and falls out. Dirty fingers poke out of the vent. Usher goes to get some coffee and then comes back to his office, where he is savagely attacked. Luckily, we don't have to see exactly what happens, but we do see blood dripping on the carpet and Usher's totally-dead reflection. There is blood everywhere and the vent closes.

Credits!

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Scully is having lunch with one of her classmates from Quantico, an Agent Tom Colton, played douchetastically by a very young Donal Logue. They're discussing one of their classmates who got a job that Colton thinks is too good for him. Colton is jealous but Scully tells him it'll be him getting an awesome promotion someday, because she's nicer than I am. Colton makes a crack about Scully working with Spooky Mulder and she defends him, saying that Mulder's ideas might be "out there" but that he's a great agent. Also, he's way hotter than you, Colton, so STFU.

Colton tells her about a case he's working on that's "out there," which is a good way to describe a murderer who steals livers. Apparently, George Usher wasn't the only one to be violently murdered lately, though. Go figure. More than one violent murder in DC. The tricksy thing is that they can't figure out the point of entry because everyone was, like, locked up tight in their murder caves. Also, their livers were ripped from their bodies, which is kind of weird because if I've learned anything from TV and movies, it's that serial killers are meticulous and hardly ever use their bare hands to remove body parts. I just made all that up. Anyhow, Scully says it sounds like an x-file. Colton wants Scully to go to the crime scene and look around. Scully asks if she should bring Mulder and you can tell that's what Colton wanted all along but he tries to cover with, "sure, if you want...but make sure Mulder knows this is MY case." Hey. Colton. Why don't you just pee on the crime scene, that ought to do it.

Colton calls Scully, "Dana." Then he calls her Mrs. Spooky. I hate him so hard.

CRIME SCENE
GEORGE USHER'S OFFICE
BALTIMORE, MARYLAND

Mulder asks Scully why they didn't just ask him to come to the crime scene and instead went through Scully. She says they're friends of hers from the academy and probably felt more comfortable dealing with her. Mulder's all, "why do I make them uncomfortable?" She says it's because of his reputation. He pretends not to know what she's talking about, like he doesn't know he's a big weirdo who wants to be BFF with E.T.

Colton enters and Mulder and Scully have to stop flirting. Ugh. Go away, Colton. Scully makes introductions. Colton makes a crack about "little green men" and Mulder acts like a dick and it's awesome. I love when Mulder is a dick to dicks. He finds a teeny piece of...something on the ground and checks out the small vent that the killer crawled through. HE FINDS A FINGERPRINT. Take that, Colton.

Back in the basement of unsolved mysteries, Mulder is showing Scully a slide of the fingerprint he took from the office, as well as a fingerprint from an old x-file. They're a match. They're also really weird, in that they're all stretchy. Mulder's wearing glasses. Here:

Here's a little something...for the ladies.

Mulder says that the old murders match the new ones because of the undetermined points of entry. There were prints discovered at five out of the ten crime scenes for murders that took place in the 1930s and 1960s. AND there was at least one liver-disappearance in 1903. So we're looking at five murders every 30 years. Mulder says there are two more to go this year before the killer disappears. Scully wonders if they are copycat murders and Mulder's all, "remember how no two fingerprints are alike?" Duh, Scully. You're better than that.

She says she can't go tell people that these murders were done by aliens and he's like, "SIGH I know I always say things are aliens but not this time. Try and keep up, Scully." So then she asks if he thinks this is the work of a 100 year old serial killer, which is awesome because even though she's being sarcastic, she's right. Mulder's like, sure, we're looking for a really old guy AND he should stick out in a crowd with ten inch fingers. That's probably true. He's probably also pretty popular with the ladies, if you know what I'm saying and I think you do. Yeah, I went there. Anyway, Scully says this is Colton's case so they should back off, but Mulder says their x-file goes back to 1903 so it's really their case. Mulder suggests that they have their own investigation, totally separate from Colton's, and Scully can't say no to Mulder's pouty face so that's what they do. I'm sure Colton will be fine with this when he finds out.

Scully's at home, typing a profile of the killer. It's pretty boring. Anyway, later she reads her profile to Colton and his group of investigators. They look impressed and say they're going to target the sites of the previous murders. They tell Scully she's welcome to work with them, so long as she doesn't mind working in an area more "down to earth." She looks perturbed, probably because they're acting like dicks for no raisin.

CRIME SCENE

Scully is sitting alone in her car in a parking garage. She hears a suspicious noise and gets out, gun drawn. It's just Mulder, though, carrying a bag of sunflower seeds. Because it's totally normal for him to be wandering around a crime scene having a snack. And he's probably spitting the empty shells everywhere. Gross. But really he's just came to tell Scully that she's dumb for being there because there's no way the killer's coming back. Scully is annoyed and says he's jeopardizing her stakeout. Mulder's offers her a sunflower seed and then wanders away.

On his way out, he hears someone crawling around a heating vent and creepy music starts to play, so you know some shit is about to go down. Mulder runs to Scully, tells her to call for back up and then follow him. She does this because she's good at following orders. They approach the heating vent, Scully points her gun, and she orders the guy to proceed slowly down the vent. Someone crawls out, ass first. He's all dirty. It's Horace! From Lost! Anyway, they arrest him.

The ass of a killer.

Mulder tells Scully she was right because apparently he can tell right away that this is totally the guy they're looking for.

F.B.I. BUREAU
BALTIMORE, MARYLAND

They're giving the suspect a polygraph test. His name is Eugene Victor Tooms and he works for animal control. We don't know if he's lying yet but he's creepy so let's assume that he is. He says he's never removed a liver, he's never killed a human being, he's never been in George Usher's office, and that he didn't kill him. The polygraph lady asks him if he's over 100 years old. Colton mentions that it must be a control question but Mulder says he had her ask it. Anyway, Tooms says he's not over 100 years old. She asks if he's been to Powhattan Mill in 1933, which is where the previous murders from the x-file took place. Colton looks annoyed.

The polygraph lady says Tooms didn't kill those people. They also confirmed that Animal Control had been called in to see about a bad smell in the vents, which turned out to be a dead cat (aww, poor kitty), so his story checks out.

Scully still thinks it's suspicious that Tooms was crawling around a heating duct that late at night without alerting security and Mulder says she's right. One of the agents acts all annoyed and is like, "what do you got, Mulder?" because even though they think he's a weirdo, they also know that Mulder knows his shit.

Mulder says Tooms lied on some of the questions, namely the 100 year old question. The agent gets pissed. Mulder insists that Tooms is the murderer and the agent leaves in a huff. Colton asks if Scully is coming with them and she thanks him for letting her work with them, but she's officially assigned to The X-Files.

Colton says, "I'll see what I can do about that," and Mulder gives him a dark look, all, "I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY SEXY EYES IF YOU TAKE SCULLY FROM ME."

Don't you take away the precious.

Mulder and Scully leave and Scully asks why Mulder purposefully pissed them off. Mulder says he thinks Scully caught the right guy, but OK, yeah, he also gets tired of people being hostile just because his theories are out there. Also, he wanted to mess with them. I don't blame him at all, those guys were awful. Scully says he was acting territorial and he says "of course I was!" while messing with her necklace and almost groping her boobies. I guess she's lucky that Mulder didn't pee all over her, right?

Uh...

Mulder says that even though Scully doesn't always agree with him, at least she respects the journey. He says he won't hold it against her if she wants to continue working with Colton but she cutely says she wants to see what Mulder has to back up his bizarre theory.

They use a fancy-by-1993-standards computer program to examine the stretchy finger print they found in George Usher's office, as well as the fingerprints they took from Tooms. Turns out they match, but only after Mulder stretches Tooms's fingerprint. I'm not sure it'd hold up in court, but I'm convinced.

Cut to a car pulling up to a house. Someone is watching from the shadows and again, all we can see are creepy eyes.

Welcome to my nightmare.

It's Tooms! Duh. He runs up to the house and peeks in the window. He climbs up the side of the house, kind of like Spiderman. Then he crawls down the chimney. The teeny chimney. He's SQUEEZING inside because he can SQUEEZE into small spaces. Get it? Cause...Squeeze is the name of the episode. Anyway.

The guy tries to light a fire but can't get the newspaper to catch. Tooms comes out from behind him and yeah, that guy is dead.

The next day, Colton is yelling at people at the crime scene because he's cranky that he's so out of his league. He says he's willing to give any theory a shot, but when Mulder walks in, he's all, "any sane theory." Dick. Colton tries to get rid of them and Mulder asks if he's worried that Mulder's gonna solve his case. Jesus, you guys, just get a ruler and measure them already. Colton tries to physically stop Mulder from entering and Scully says that if he doesn't let them in it'll make him look bad and Colton can't have that. Colton asks Scully whose side she's on and she says, "the victim's." Also, Mulder's.

The victim's name is Thomas Werner. Scully starts to tell Mulder some facts about the crime scene but Mulder's already decided that it was Tooms. He says Tooms took something, too.

Microfiche time! Mulder is doing research and finds a Eugene Victor who lived on Exeter Street in 1933. Scully comes in and says that Tooms hasn't shown up for work since he was arrested. Mulder still thinks it was Tooms doing all the murders, including the ones from 1903, 1933, and 1963 but Scully thinks maybe it was Tooms's grandfather. What? Mulder says they need to track Tooms down now because if Tooms gets one more liver, he'll go into hibernation in 30 years. That was a weird sentence to type.

Mulder says he's going to keep doing research and asks if Scully has any Dramamine because microfiche makes him seasick. Me too. We had to learn how to use microfiche in high school and it made me dizzy. I'm so happy that Google exists.

Research, research, research. You can tell they're working hard because Mulder takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes. They don't find anything, except the current address of the man who investigated the murders in 1933.

LYNNE ACRES RETIREMENT HOME
BALTIMORE, MARYLAND

They meet with an old man in a wheelchair named Detective Briggs. He was the investigator on the 1933 murders and he says he's been waiting for them to come see him ever since. He says the Powhattan Mills murders stuck with him, because he felt true evil when he walked onto those crime scenes. Only a human monster could have done something like those murders.

Briggs asks Mulder to get a box out of the trunk. The box holds all the evidence he's collected, officially and unofficially. He says he knew the murders in 1963 were done by the same person as the murders in 1933 but could never prove it because he wasn't allowed to investigate. He says that Tooms took trophies from each victim. He shows them pictures he took of Tooms in 1933 and he looks exactly the same as he does now, except he's in front of an old-timey car.

Hey Tooms, Urkel called and he wants his look back.

Detective Briggs directs them to 66 Exeter Street, where Tooms lived in 1933. So, obviously, Mulder and Scully go there immediately.

The building is in ruins. Mulder and Scully walk around with guns and flashlights drawn. They find 103, the apartment Tooms lived in, and burst in. Hey! This part is in the credits.

Do do do do do dooooooo

They walk slowly in and Mulder says that the old man was right, you can feel the evil in the room. I'll bet evil is cold and smells weird.

Scully says there's nothing there but Mulder moves a mattress to reveal a large hole in the wall. Mulder wonders what's down there. Scully calmly says, "let's find out," and then just crawls down a ladder, into the darkness. I know I said this last week, and I'll probably say it every week, but SHE IS SO BADASS.

Mulder follows her and they find an old coal cellar. They also find a pile of junk, which turns out to be the all of the trophies that were taken from the recent victims. There's a weird nest in the wall and...it's gross. It's made out of rags and newspapers. Mulder, of course, sticks his hand in it and gets goo all over his fingers. He's pretty grossed out when Scully tells him he just stuck his hand in bile. This would be grosser if the goo didn't look so much like ectoplasm.

Should I...should I taste it?

Scully says no one could live in there but Mulder thinks the nest is where Tooms hibernates. Mulder's theory is that he's a genetic mutant who can eat five livers every 30 years and then hibernate. That sounds like a pretty terrible mutant power. No wonder Professor Xavier never invited Tooms to join his School for Gifted Youngsters.

Anyway, Scully's like, "...yeah, so anyway, at least we know where to find him now." Mulder tells Scully to go see if she can get a surveillance team to come stake out the building while Mulder keeps watch for now. As they leave, Scully's necklace gets caught on something, but she quickly untangles herself. We see a hand drop down, holding Scully's necklace. It's Tooms. Aww, shit.

66 Exeter St., 11:30 A.M.

Mulder's hanging out in his car when a couple of agents come to relieve him. Mulder shows them a picture of Tooms, so they know who to look for, and says he and Scully will be back in eight hours to relieve them. One of the agents calls Mulder "Spooky" as he leaves. Why is every other FBI agent they work with a total ass?

Scully's wrapping stuff up at the office and Colton bursts in all, "we have to talk." This should be fun. Scully blows him off and says she has to meet Mulder. Colton is pissed that they're using some of his agents to stake out an abandoned building. He says he was looking forward to working with her at first, because she was a "good agent," but that Mulder ruined her. Wait, DID Mulder pee on her? Anyway, Colton says he had the stakeout called off and Scully starts to call Mulder. Colton takes the phone from her and is all, "let ME tell Mulder the news because I haven't acted like a big enough douche and people don't hate me enough yet."

Scully says she can't wait to see Colton fall on his ass, then storms out. She goes home and we see that Tooms is watching her from the shadows.

66 EXETER ST., 7:25 P.M.

Mulder is back to relieve the surveillance team but they're already gone. He's confused because apparently either Scully never called him to tell him what Colton did, or he doesn't listen to his voicemail ever. He runs inside.

Scully is at home and OK NOW she's leaving Mulder a message about how much Colton sucks and how furious she is. She's also drinking. Good call. Do you think if Tooms eats Scully's liver and she's drunk, he gets drunk, too?

She hangs up and starts a bath. Tooms lurks outside her window.

Mulder investigates the trophy station in the coal cellar and finds Scully's necklace. See, when he was messing with her necklace before, it was important and NOT AT ALL borderline inappropriate, because now we know that Mulder knows what Scully's necklace looks like, so we know that he knows that Scully is is DANGER. Cue Mulder freak out. He's in SaveScully! mode now, which is the most frantic of all his modes.

Scully's bath is ready, so she opens a bottle of bath salts or smelly soap or whatever the hell women put in baths on TV. Some ectoplasm bile drips on her hand and she freaks out because A) that's way gross and B) her liver is in danger.

She sees that the bile is dripping from a small vent on the ceiling. She grabs her gun. Mulder's trying to call her but Tooms cut Scully's phone line, which seems like a lot of thought for a liver-eating mutant to be putting into his murders.

Tooms reaches out of a small vent near the floor and grabs Scully's foot. She falls down and he bursts the rest of the way out of the vent. Scully hits him and even digs her thumbs into his eyeballs, but he's stronger than her and is about to rip out her liver WITH HIS BARE HANDS. Mulder finally gets there and runs in to help. Tooms decides at that point to run and tries to get out the window. Scully stops him and Tooms strangles her a little. Stop being so mean, Tooms. Mulder reaches to stop Tooms but gets hit and falls on the floor. As Tooms goes for Mulder, who is lying helplessly on the floor, Scully handcuffs him to her bathtub. Tooms. Not Mulder.

Mulder asks Scully if she's alright and she nods, clearly not OK, but she's handling this a lot better than I would.

This is the face of someone rethinking her career path.

Mulder says Tooms isn't going to get his quota this year and Tooms struggles against the handcuffs. Couldn't Tooms just slide out of those? I mean, he squeezed through a teeny vent, right? So I wouldn't think handcuffs would be a problem. I don't know, maybe he's tired.

Detective Briggs reads in the newspaper that Tooms was caught and he starts crying. Aww, poor old guy. I want to give him a hug.

Meanwhile, Tooms is in the crazy house, tearing newspaper into strips and licking each one, before throwing the pieces in the corner. He's building another nest. Mulder watches him from outside and Scully approaches.

She says she ordered some genetic tests and spews a lot of sciency talk. Basically, Tooms is a genetic mutant. Scully seems pretty accepting of it, I guess because there's science to back it up. Mulder says something about how people putting bars on their windows and buying security systems are screwed if people like Tooms are in the world. Tooms could still get in and eat their livers. Maybe with some fava beans. Or a nice chianti. Aren't you guys so impressed that it took me the whole recap to make a Hannibal Lector joke? Scully touches Mulder's arm (whoooooooooo!) and breaks him out of his depressing reverie. They walk away together.

An orderly slides a food tray through a small opening in the door to Tooms's room, then locks it. Tooms sits creepily, staring at the slot in the door, and then smiles. Eff. You guys. He freaks me out. Whenever Doug Hutchinson showed up on Lost, I spent the whole time worried that he was going to spew bile everywhere and rip out someone's liver.

Hello, Clarice.

The End except not really. To be continued in like 18 episodes.

Favorite quotes:

Mulder: Why would I make them so uncomfortable?
Scully: It probably has to do with your reputation.
Mulder: Reputation? I have a reputation?
Scully: Mulder, look, Colton plays by the book and you don't. They feel your methods, your theories are...
Mulder: Spooky? Do you think I'm spooky?

Agent Colton: So, Mulder, what do you think? Does this look like the work of little green men?
Mulder: Grey.
Agent Colton: Excuse me?
Mulder: Grey. You said green men. A Reticulan's skin tone is actually grey. They're notorious for their extraction of terrestrial human livers. Due to iron depletion in the Reticulan galaxy.
Agent Colton: You can't be serious.
Mulder: Do you have any idea what liver and onions go for on Reticula?

Scully: Oh my god, Mulder. It smells like...I think it's bile.
Mulder: Is there any way I can get it off my fingers quickly without betraying my cool exterior?

Lois & Clark, Episode 6: I've Got A Crush On You

Netflix Synopsis: Lois and Clark infiltrate a criminal gang they suspect of setting destructive fires throughout Metropolis.

This seems like a good idea.


Superman prefers to fly crotch-first into danger.
The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! No, seriously, there's a building on fire. It looks pretty serious. The Metropolis fire department is working hard to put out the blaze, the sixth in the last twenty-four hours, according to the handy TV news reporter/expository character who is on hand. Superman arrives on the scene and rescues a man who was trapped in the building. Mr. Exposition asks Superman if he has any idea who's behind the fires, saying they're rumored to be gang-related. Gang-related fires? Let me be the first to say: what the hell? Some cities have drive-by shootings, but apparently Metropolis has middle-of-the-day arson. Before Superman can respond to the reporter, he hears on the police band that there's another fire across town and flies off.

Elsewhere, Johnny, an obvious Sopranos reject, is holding auditions for chorus girls in a night club. Is he a 1920s gangster? If he is, he is sorely lacking in the pinstripe suit department. The auditions are interrupted by Ms. Exposition, who needs to tell Johnny right away that there was another fire, and that the owner of the building pays "The Metro Organization" for protection. I assume that she is referring to the gang that Johnny runs, and not the series of interconnected railways in the Washington DC area. Johnny calls for the next auditioner, and who should walk out but Lois Lane, lookin' fiiiiine. Johnny takes one look at her and hires her. He didn't even make her tapdance! That's just not fair to the other applicants.


DAAAAAAAAMN, girl.
Back at the Planet, Lois is defending her decision to go undercover to Clark and Jimmy. She explains that she needs to go undercover to find out why the West River area, which is Metro Gang-controlled territory, is on fire. Honestly, yeah, it's dangerous, but I have to side with Lois on this one. If she really wants to be an investigative journalist, she's got to be willing to take risks like this, and there's really no other way to get this story than to infiltrate this gang. Good on you, Lane. I hope this works out for you. Perry agrees and says that he will back his reporters 100%, even if Clark were to go up to the roof and say that he could fly. Get it? Because Clark is Superman, so he really can fly. Anyway. Clark tells Lois that she should have consulted with him first, and Lois condescends to him with what amounts to "you win some, you lose some." She goes on to say that she would never do anything to compromise her safety or her journalistic integrity, at which point Jimmy walks up to her desk carrying a dry cleaning bag that had been delivered for her. He says the cleaners had some problems with the feathers, and pulls out what appears to be a skimpy chicken costume. Lois hides the outfit in disgust, but I'm sure she could pull it off.

Lex Luthor is holding a press conference regarding some urban renewal projects that he is investing in that just happen to be in the West River area. He doesn't seem worried about the fires, and delights in the fact that not even Superman can keep up with them. He refers to the area is a blight on Metropolis, and says that the newly-rechristened Lex Harbor will be the crown jewel of the city. Clark, who is in attendance, asks Lex about allegations of coercion made by city council members, and Lex brushes him off before abruptly leaving. Clark watches him leave and looks back at the model of Lex Harbor pensively.


"Costa Del Lex. Luthorville. Marina del Lex. Otisburg... Otisburg?"
Meanwhile, at the Metro Club, Lois is being trained as a waitress. The trainer warns Lois to watch out for the wandering hands of the men in this club. A group of suited men enter a back room of the club, and Lois offers $20 to the woman training her to let her serve the men their drinks. In the back room, the gambinos are stressing about the fires, but Johnny reassures them that he'll take care of them. Ms. Exposition interjects, asking how he plans to take care of them, and Johnny looks pissed as Lois enters with some drinks. Johnny grabs Lois's butt non-chalantly, being sure to get a really good handful there.


"Yeah, that's the stuff. That is nice, kid. You must work out.
He then goes back to berating Ms. Exposition (whom Johnny refers to as 'Ms. MBA', so I think that will be her name from now on), saying that the old-style gangster tactics that they're using now worked just fine for his father (their father? the implication is that they are siblings), and that if their father were here he would "be the first to tell you to get a good husband, start having babies, and leave the real work to the men". Ms. MBA shoots back that that's what their father did tell her, not realizing that Johnny would ruin everything. BURN! Johnny pulls a gun and fires three times at the wall, proving that he is the more level-headed of the two. Ms. MBA strolls out, and everyone else gets up from off of the floor, having hidden there when the gun made its appearance.

That evening, a mangy sailor enters the Metro Club. He wears a stocking cap, mustache, chin beard, and glasses. Yep, it's Clark. Just soak this in for a minute:


Honestly, it's a better disguise than just putting on a pair of glasses and slouching, but still. That's just damn ridiculous. Anyway. Let's move on. Clark strolls over to the bar, orders a beer, and peruses the club, immediately finding the head gangsters. He moves along the back wall of the club when, from behind a curtain, a feathered hand grabs him. Naturally it's Lois, in full skimpy chicken getup.


"You look ridiculous!"
She yells at Clark for even being there, but Clark doesn't magically disappear for some reason, probably because he wants to protect Lois. He asks her how she plans to get close to Johnny, to which Lois replies, "He's a man, I'm a woman. Do you want me to draw you a diagram?" So...she's going to have sex with him? I've seen diagrams like the ones she's talking about, and I'm pretty sure that's what she's implying. Lois gets a call to the stage, and Clark heads back out to watch the show. He strolls back up to the bar and orders two double Whiskeys, which he downs immediately, then starts to complain to the bartender about how he got thrown off of his ship today. Wow, Clark, you are a convincing sailor. Maybe you should throw in a couple of 'gash darnits' just to really drive it home. As Clark whines, the show starts, and Lois dances around in her chicken costume. It's the most not-hot thing I've ever seen. Clark asks the bartender if the club has any job openings, and the bartender says that Clark isn't the type. Clark acts all indignant, and the manager - Ms. MBA - approaches, saying they don't have any openings and that he'll need to leave, as he is violating the club's dress code policy. It is at that point that these four enter the club:


Oh my God! It's DEVO!
One of the guys in silver screams at Johnny that he's a dead man, and all four of them open fire with their flame throwers. Clark leaps across the room and knocks Johnny out of the way of the flames as the four set the place ablaze. Several gangsters shoot at the silver guys, and the four run away. Clark helps Johnny to his feet, then sees that Ms. MBA is trapped behind a wall of flames. He leaps through them and saves her, then rushes everyone else, chicken-suited Lois included, out of the club. As they all leave, he uses his super-breath to put out the fire. As the fire dies down, Lois rushes back in and asks Clark who those guys were. Clarks points to the wall, where the word 'TOASTERS' has been burned. This gang is called The Toasters. Or they really hate appliances. Either way, wow is that awful.

The next day, the club is being cleaned up. They try to paint over the burn marks, but to no avail - the word TOASTERS is still plainly visible. You know, if they renamed the place Toasters, that might actually work to their advantage. But then their club wouldn't be named after their gang, and that would just be silly. There's a secret meeting going on in the back room, and no waitresses are allowed in, so Lois can't get in to spy on them. She does the next best thing, though: she sneaks into the room adjacent and spies through the bullet holes that Johnny shot earlier, which apparently afford her a clear view of the whole room. Nice shootin', Johnny. In the meeting, Ms. MBA has organized a coup against her brother. She orders Johnny removed from the room, and tells everyone else that she plans to take their organization "out of the back room and into the board room". Corporations are evil. Throw rocks at them.

Lois rushes back to the Planet and tells Clark what she heard about Johnny's sister, Toni, taking over (finally, she has a name!). Lois sets to work on the story, and Clark tells her that Toni asked him to meet her at the club later that day. She is shocked and asks why, to which Clark replies, "I'm a man, she's a woman. Do you want me to draw you a diagram?" Again, is Clark planning on having sex with this woman? What kind of reporters are these two? The sexy kind, that's what.

The next next day, Toni is furious that the story of the Metro Gang's power shift is in the Planet. She fumes and wonders where the leak came from, as this information could only have come from inside the organization. She orders one of her lackeys to find the leak, and as she does Clark arrives in his sailor disguise. Toni offers him a bartending job, as a token of appreciation for his having saved her life. She also gives him some money to buy better clothes and to shave. Well done, Toni. Whatever that thing is on his face was really driving me crazy. As they talk, another of Toni's lackeys approaches her and tells her that the club's singer just quit and that they need to find a new one.

Later that evening, a clean-shaven Clar...er, Charlie King (That's his alias. CK, get it?) is tending bar. Lois spies him and is outraged that he is there. Toni approaches the bar and advises them against fraternization, and Clark gives Lois a nice pat on the butt as she walks away. Clark fixes Toni a drink, using his powers to freeze up some ice, and asks if she heard about The Toasters' latest hit: burning a police station to the ground. He asks Toni how she plans to stop them, and before she answers Toni turns and looks across the room, where Lex Luthor is entering the club. She tells Clark that they will talk later and she and Lex get a table. Clark listens in with his super-hearing as Toni tells Lex that everything is under control. She says that she's worried about The Toasters, and before Clark can hear more, the music starts and the announcer introduces Ms. Lola Dane - a sequin-dressed Lois Lane. As they listen to her sing, both Clark and Lex look at her with that TV show look that you know means they're both falling in love with her. The song she sings is called "I've Got A Crush On You," which finally explains the title of the episode. Lois makes eye contact with Lex and smiles, and Clark notices and gets jealous. The song ends, everyone applauds, and Lex throws Lois a rose. Clark abandons his post at the bar and meets Lois backstage. He warns Lois to get out of there, but Lois insists that she and Lex are friends. Suddenly they're ambushed by Toni, and Clark says that he found their leak: Lois Lane, reporter for the Daily Planet. Toni tells him to throw her out, which he does by slinging her over his shoulder and carrying her out of the club. He approaches two dumpsters and uses his x-ray vision to see what's in them. One has straw and other soft materials in it, while the other has rotten vegetables in it. So Clark tosses Lois into the dumpster full of rotten vegetables. Clark, I forgive you for the horrible disguise from earlier in the episode. This was the most badass thing you've ever done.


I'm sure that, some day, when they're in couples counseling,
Clark and Lois will look back on this and laugh.
Back at Clark's apartment, Lois storms in, still wearing the dress and presumably stinking like rotten tomatoes. She yells at him about blowing her cover, and Clark explains that at least now Toni won't be looking for a leak, and his cover is still safe, so la-di-frickin'-da, Lane, get over it. Before Lois can yell at him some more, there's a knock at the door. Clark sees with his x-ray vision that it's Toni, and he shoos Lois away, forcing her to hide behind a pillar in the apartment. Lois resists, and Clark accuses her of being jealous, which she denies.


I'm mostly showing you this because that pillar in Clark's
apartment looks just like Plastic Man in disguise.
Clark opens the door, and Toni enters with a bag of groceries, offering to cook Clark some homemade lasagna. According to Jennie, 'lasagna' is code for 'vagina'. Use your imagination, kids, it's totally true. Toni and Clark have some sexually-charged banter about each getting what they want, and Clark grabs Toni and kisses her, giving Lois a chance to make her exit. Lois gets home and scoffs at the idea that she is jealous of Toni. As she scarfs down ice cream from the container (just like a woman!), she realizes that she actually is jealous.


I know that women do this because I've seen it on Lifetime.
Just then, a knock comes at the door, and it's Lex Luthor, tux-clad and dashing as ever. His first words to her: "Let's do it." Apparently he's referring to the song she sang earlier, but we all know he really just wants to get on her. Lois invites Lex in and explains to him that she was undercover at the club and that she was fired. She asks Lex what he was doing at the club, and Lex explains that he was meeting with the new leader of the Metro Gang. They both have plans for the West River area, and Lex says that he doesn't trust Toni. He warns Lois to be careful, kisses her cheek, and leaves.

Back at Clark's place, he and Toni are on the balcony, having finished eating Toni's vagina lasagna. They talk about feelings and their families, and Toni says she wants to make the Metro Gang a legitimate organization, as long as they can get past The Toasters. Clark pledges to help her, but before they can get down to business time (you know what I'm sayin'), Toni says she has to leave because she has a prior engagement. She leaves Clark's apartment, and is followed by Lois, who emerges from the shadows. Toni makes her way to the West River district and sneaks into the building that was on fire at the beginning of the episode. There she meets up with The Toasters.


It's not DEVO, it's the Red Hot Chili Peppers!
Toni gives them $100,000, and berates them for botching the attempt on her brother's life. She tells them that she wants the toasters back, and I assume she's talking about the flame throwers and not about a bunch of household appliances that they borrowed from her. The gang refuses to give them back to her and instead takes her hostage. They tell her they're planning to set a string of fires leading from the wharf all the way to the Metro Club, and that she'll just have to wait until then to burn to death. Lois, having followed Toni and hidden herself inside the building, hears the whole thing.

She then proceeds to fall asleep, and is awoken by one of The Toasters trying to catch a rat. She takes this opportunity to leave and head to Clark's place. She tells Clark everything she heard the previous night, and Clarks turns on the TV to see that the wharf is already on fire. Lois runs out to head to the scene, and Clark takes off his glasses, instantly becoming Superman! He also takes off his shirt, presumably because he needs to put the rest of his costume on.


Burn it! Burn it good!
Down at the wharf, Devo The Red Hot Chili Peppers The Toasters are running amok! Superman arrives and makes a bad pun about people playing with fire. The Toasters attempt to burn Superman, but he uses his super-breath to freeze them in place. He makes several more puns about cooling people off and toasty jail cells, and just generally displays a complete lack of a sense of humor. He really needs to talk to Buffy Summers about how to properly pun.

Inside the burnt-out building, Lex Luthor finds Toni. Lex gloats about how he and Toni had a plan to reshape West River, but how Toni got careless and Lex made out like a bandit buying cheap, burnt-out real estate. As he's talking, he takes out a handkerchief and lays it on a chair so that he can sit down. He's so casually awesome that it makes my head explode. Toni threatens to reveal Lex's connection to The Toasters, but Lex scoffs, saying that no matter where she goes he has connections and that she'd better keep her mouth shut. He welcomes her to the world of big business, and leaves her tied up there. You're the man, Lex. Seriously, you're the best character on this show.

Superman flies over the area that is ablaze and uses...some sort of powers to make it rain. I'm not sure what he does, honestly. He blows some clouds around, and it starts to storm. He's Superman, just go with it. Back at the abandoned building, Clark enters and unties Toni, telling her that she let him down. She explains that she had to take control of the Metro Gang somehow, and Clark explains that he's a reporter for the Daily Planet and not Charlie King, hired goon. Toni asks what happens now as sirens approach. If this had been any other show, she would have shot herself in the head rather than go to jail, but Toni just shrugs and accepts her fate.

Back at LexCorp, Lex is celebrating his victory with a cigar. Lex Luthor, you magnificent bastard. Even when you lose, you win!


He also celebrates by talking on his Zach Morris phone.
Back at the Planet, Clark and Lois are wrapping things up on their end. There are a bunch of sports metaphors thrown around about quarterbacks and receivers and the sexual tension is palpable between the two of them even though they're at each other's throats about who actually got the story, and eventually they agree to drop the metaphors thank you baby Jesus because it was annoying. Clark smiles smugly and asks Lois again if she was at all jealous of he and Toni Taylor (her last name was Taylor! Good to know, here at the end of the episode). Lois again scoffs, saying that he just wishes it were true. The two smile longingly at each other, and they should just kiss already because they're clearly in love with each other. THE END.


TOP SHIP.
REVIEW: This episode was extremely entertaining. Aside from the cookie cutter gangster characters, the main villainess was a fairly interesting character, and her plot with Lex Luthor just made it all the better. I'm a big fan of the idea that Lex Luthor is somehow involved in every criminal dealing in Metropolis, and I think that was used perfectly in this episode. The showdown between Superman and The Toasters lasted all of 30 seconds, so there wasn't very much super-powered action at all in this episode, but it was great to see Lois and Clark being journalists. Lois in particular hasn't really had a chance, in my opinion, to show why she's such a highly-respected reporter - she's mostly, up until this point, been portrayed as an impulsive, stubborn, hapless buffoon - and I really enjoyed her story in this episode (and not just because she wore skimpy outfits throughout, though that certainly didn't hurt). Plus we get the beginnings of Lois having feelings for Clark, which is definitely a big milestone, as well as some foundation being laid for the Clark/Lois/Lex love triangle, which is great because anything that features Lex prominently is enjoyable. Man, this episode was enjoyable. Bring on more like this.